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cheery confidenceHis simple and inexpensive tastesHis
appearanceHow to get rid of himGeorge as prophetThe gentle
art of making oneself disagreeable in a foreign tongueGeorge as a
student of human natureHe proposes an experimentHis Prudence
Harris's support secured； upon conditions。
On Monday afternoon Harris came round； he had a cycling paper in
his hand。
I said： 〃If you take my advice； you will leave it alone。〃
Harris said： 〃Leave what alone？〃
I said： 〃That brand…new； patent； revolution in cycling； record…
breaking； Tomfoolishness； whatever it may be； the advertisement of
which you have there in your hand。〃
He said： 〃Well； I don't know； there will be some steep hills for
us to negotiate； I guess we shall want a good brake。〃
I said： 〃We shall want a brake； I agree； what we shall not want is
a mechanical surprise that we don't understand； and that never acts
when it is wanted。〃
〃This thing；〃 he said； 〃acts automatically。〃
〃You needn't tell me；〃 I said。 〃I know exactly what it will do； by
instinct。 Going uphill it will jamb the wheel so effectively that
we shall have to carry the machine bodily。 The air at the top of
the hill will do it good； and it will suddenly come right again。
Going downhill it will start reflecting what a nuisance it has
been。 This will lead to remorse； and finally to despair。 It will
say to itself： 'I'm not fit to be a brake。 I don't help these
fellows； I only hinder them。 I'm a curse； that's what I am；' and；
without a word of warning； it will 'chuck' the whole business。
That is what that brake will do。 Leave it alone。 You are a good
fellow；〃 I continued； 〃but you have one fault。〃
〃What？〃 he asked； indignantly。
〃You have too much faith；〃 I answered。 〃If you read an
advertisement； you go away and believe it。 Every experiment that
every fool has thought of in connection with cycling you have
tried。 Your guardian angel appears to be a capable and
conscientious spirit； and hitherto she has seen you through； take
my advice and don't try her too far。 She must have had a busy time
since you started cycling。 Don't go on till you make her mad。〃
He said： 〃If every man talked like that there would be no
advancement made in any department of life。 If nobody ever tried a
new thing the world would come to a standstill。 It is by〃
〃I know all that can be said on that side of the argument；〃 I
interrupted。 〃I agree in trying new experiments up to thirty…five；
AFTER thirty…five I consider a man is entitled to think of himself。
You and I have done our duty in this direction； you especially。
You have been blown up by a patent gas lamp〃
He said： 〃I really think； you know； that was my fault； I think I
must have screwed it up too tight。〃
I said： 〃I am quite willing to believe that if there was a wrong
way of handling the thing that is the way you handle it。 You
should take that tendency of yours into consideration； it bears
upon the argument。 Myself； I did not notice what you did； I only
know we were riding peacefully and pleasantly along the Whitby
Road； discussing the Thirty Years' War； when your lamp went off
like a pistol…shot。 The start sent me into the ditch； and your
wife's face； when I told her there was nothing the matter and that
she was not to worry； because the two men would carry you upstairs；
and the doctor would be round in a minute bringing the nurse with
him； still lingers in my memory。〃
He said： 〃I wish you had thought to pick up the lamp。 I should
like to have found out what was the cause of its going off like
that。〃
I said： 〃There was not time to pick up the lamp。 I calculate it
would have taken two hours to have collected it。 As to its 'going
off；' the mere fact of its being advertised as the safest lamp ever
invented would of itself； to anyone but you； have suggested
accident。 Then there was that electric lamp；〃 I continued。
〃Well； that really did give a fine light；〃 he replied； 〃you said so
yourself。〃
I said： 〃It gave a brilliant light in the King's Road； Brighton；
and frightened a horse。 The moment we got into the dark beyond
Kemp Town it went out； and you were summoned for riding without a
light。 You may remember that on sunny afternoons you used to ride
about with that lamp shining for all it was worth。 When lighting…
up time came it was naturally tired； and wanted a rest。〃
〃It was a bit irritating； that lamp；〃 he murmured； 〃I remember it。〃
I said： 〃It irritated me； it must have been worse for you。 Then
there are saddles；〃 I went onI wished to get this lesson home to
him。 〃Can you think of any saddle ever advertised that you have
NOT tried？〃
He said： 〃It has been an idea of mine that the right saddle is to
be found。〃
I said： 〃You give up that idea； this is an imperfect world of joy
and sorrow mingled。 There may be a better land where bicycle
saddles are made out of rainbow； stuffed with cloud； in this world
the simplest thing is to get used to something hard。 There was
that saddle you bought in Birmingham； it was divided in the middle；
and looked like a pair of kidneys。〃
He said： 〃You mean that one constructed on anatomical principles。〃
〃Very likely；〃 I replied。 〃The box you bought it in had a picture
on the cover； representing a sitting skeletonor rather that part
of a skeleton which does sit。〃
He said： 〃It was quite correct； it showed you the true position of
the〃
I said： 〃We will not go into details； the picture always seemed to
me indelicate。〃
He said： 〃Medically speaking； it was right。〃
〃Possibly；〃 I said； 〃for a man who rode in nothing but his bones。
I only know that I tried it myself； and that to a man who wore
flesh it was agony。 Every time you went over a stone or a rut it
nipped you； it was like riding on an irritable lobster。 You rode
that for a month。〃
〃I thought it only right to give it a fair trial；〃 he answered。
I said： 〃You gave your family a fair trial also； if you will allow
me the use of slang。 Your wife told me that never in the whole
course of your married life had she known you so bad tempered； so
un…Christian like； as you were that month。 Then you remember that
other saddle； the one with the spring under it。〃
He said： 〃You mean 'the Spiral。'〃
I said： 〃I mean the one that jerked you up and down like a Jack…
in…the…box； sometimes you came down again in the right place； and
sometimes you didn't。 I am not referring to these matters merely
to recall painful memories； but I want to impress you with the
folly of trying experiments at your time of life。〃
He said。 〃I wish you wouldn't harp so much on my age。 A man at
thirty…four〃
〃A man at what？〃
He said： 〃If you don't want the thing； don't have it。 If your
machine runs away with you down a mountain； and you and George get
flung through a church roof； don't blame me。〃
〃I cannot promise for George；〃 I said； 〃a little thing will
sometimes irritate him； as you know。 If such an accident as you
suggest happen； he may be cross； but I will undertake to explain to
him that it was not your fault。〃
〃Is the thing all right？〃 he asked。
〃The tandem；〃 I replied； 〃is well。〃
He said： 〃Have you o