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elbows with my palms and found that I was rubbing prodigious
calluses。 There was no surprise in this。 I accepted the calluses
as of long time and a matter of course。
I opened my eyes。 My shelter was a small cave； no more than three
feet in height and a dozen in length。 It was very hot in the cave。
Perspiration noduled the entire surface of my body。 Now and again
several nodules coalesced and formed tiny rivulets。 I wore no
clothing save a filthy rag about the middle。 My skin was burned to
a mahogany brown。 I was very thin； and I contemplated my thinness
with a strange sort of pride； as if it were an achievement to be so
thin。 Especially was I enamoured of my painfully prominent ribs。
The very sight of the hollows between them gave me a sense of solemn
elation； or； rather； to use a better word； of sanctification。
My knees were callused like my elbows。 I was very dirty。 My beard；
evidently once blond； but now a dirt…stained and streaky brown；
swept my midriff in a tangled mass。 My long hair； similarly stained
and tangled； was all about my shoulders； while wisps of it
continually strayed in the way of my vision so that sometimes I was
compelled to brush it aside with my hands。 For the most part；
however； I contented myself with peering through it like a wild
animal from a thicket。
Just at the tunnel…like mouth of my dim cave the day reared itself
in a wall of blinding sunshine。 After a time I crawled to the
entrance； and； for the sake of greater discomfort； lay down in the
burning sunshine on a narrow ledge of rock。 It positively baked me；
that terrible sun； and the more it hurt me the more I delighted in
it； or in myself rather； in that I was thus the master of my flesh
and superior to its claims and remonstrances。 When I found under me
a particularly sharp； but not too sharp； rock…projection； I ground
my body upon the point of it； rowelled my flesh in a very ecstasy of
mastery and of purification。
It was a stagnant day of heat。 Not a breath of air moved over the
river valley on which I sometimes gazed。 Hundreds of feet beneath
me the wide river ran sluggishly。 The farther shore was flat and
sandy and stretched away to the horizon。 Above the water were
scattered clumps of palm…trees。
On my side； eaten into a curve by the river； were lofty； crumbling
cliffs。 Farther along the curve； in plain view from my eyrie；
carved out of the living rock； were four colossal figures。 It was
the stature of a man to their ankle joints。 The four colossi sat；
with hands resting on knees； with arms crumbled quite away； and
gazed out upon the river。 At least three of them so gazed。 Of the
fourth all that remained were the lower limbs to the knees and the
huge hands resting on the knees。 At the feet of this one；
ridiculously small； crouched a sphinx； yet this sphinx was taller
than I。
I looked upon these carven images with contempt； and spat as I
looked。 I knew not what they were； whether forgotten gods or
unremembered kings。 But to me they were representative of the
vanity of earth…men and earth…aspirations。
And over all this curve of river and sweep of water and wide sands
beyond arched a sky of aching brass unflecked by the tiniest cloud。
The hours passed while I roasted in the sun。 Often； for quite
decent intervals； I forgot my heat and pain in dreams and visions
and in memories。 All this I knewcrumbling colossi and river and
sand and sun and brazen skywas to pass away in the twinkling of an
eye。 At any moment the trumps of the archangels might sound； the
stars fall out of the sky； the heavens roll up as a scroll； and the
Lord God of all come with his hosts for the final judgment。
Ah； I knew it so profoundly that I was ready for such sublime event。
That was why I was here in rags and filth and wretchedness。 I was
meek and lowly； and I despised the frail needs and passions of the
flesh。 And I thought with contempt； and with a certain
satisfaction； of the far cities of the plain I had known； all
unheeding； in their pomp and lust； of the last day so near at hand。
Well； they would see soon enough； but too late for them。 And I
should see。 But I was ready。 And to their cries and lamentations
would I arise； reborn and glorious； and take my well…earned and
rightful place in the City of God。
At times； between dreams and visions in which I was verily and
before my time in the City of God； I conned over in my mind old
discussions and controversies。 Yes； Novatus was right in his
contention that penitent apostates should never again be received
into the churches。 Also； there was no doubt that Sabellianism was
conceived of the devil。 So was Constantine； the arch…fiend； the
devil's right hand。
Continually I returned to contemplation of the nature of the unity
of God； and went over and over the contentions of Noetus； the
Syrian。 Better； however； did I like the contentions of my beloved
teacher； Arius。 Truly； if human reason could determine anything at
all； there must have been a time； in the very nature of sonship；
when the Son did not exist。 In the nature of sonship there must
have been a time when the Son commenced to exist。 A father must be
older than his son。 To hold otherwise were a blasphemy and a
belittlement of God。
And I remembered back to my young days when I had sat at the feet of
Arius； who had been a presbyter of the city of Alexandria； and who
had been robbed of the bishopric by the blasphemous and heretical
Alexander。 Alexander the Sabellianite； that is what he was； and his
feet had fast hold of hell。
Yes； I had been to the Council of Nicea； and seen it avoid the
issue。 And I remembered when the Emperor Constantine had banished
Arius for his uprightness。 And I remembered when Constantine
repented for reasons of state and policy and commanded Alexander
the other Alexander； thrice cursed； Bishop of Constantinopleto
receive Arius into communion on the morrow。 And that very night did
not Arius die in the street？ They said it was a violent sickness
visited upon him in answer to Alexander's prayer to God。 But I
said； and so said all we Arians； that the violent sickness was due
to a poison； and that the poison was due to Alexander himself；
Bishop of Constantinople and devil's poisoner。
And here I ground my body back and forth on the sharp stones； and
muttered aloud； drunk with conviction：
〃Let the Jews and Pagans mock。 Let them triumph； for their time is
short。 And for them there will be no time after time。〃
I talked to myself aloud a great deal on that rocky shelf
overlooking the river。 I was feverish； and on occasion I drank
sparingly of water from a stinking goatskin。 This goatskin I kept
hanging in the sun that the stench of the skin might increase and
that there might be no refreshment of coolness in the water。 Food
there was； lying in the dirt on my cave…floora few roots and a
chunk of mouldy barley…cake； an