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The grass never grew under the feet of Mr。 Lavender； No sooner had he
formed his sudden resolve than he wrote to what he conceived to be the
proper quarter； and receiving no reply； went down to the centre of the
official world。 It was at time of change and no small national
excitement； brooms were sweeping clean； and new offices had arisen
everywhere。 Mr。 Lavender passed bewildered among large stone buildings
and small wooden buildings； not knowing where to go。 He had bought no
clothes since the beginning of the war； except the various Volunteer
uniforms which the exigencies of a shifting situation had forced the
authorities to withdraw from time to time； and his； small shrunken figure
struck somewhat vividly on the eye； with elbows and knees shining in the
summer sunlight。 Stopping at last before the only object which seemed
unchanged； he said：
〃Can you tell me where the Ministry is？〃
The officer looked down at him。
〃What for？〃
〃For speaking about the country。〃
〃Ministry of Propagation？ First on the right； second door on the left。〃
〃Thank you。 The Police are wonderful。〃
〃None of that；〃 said the officer coldly。
〃I only said you were wonderful。〃
〃I 'eard you。〃
〃But you are。 I don't know what the country would do without you。 Your
solid qualities； your imperturbable bonhomie； your truly British
tenderness towards〃
〃Pass away！〃 said the officer。
〃I am only repeating what we all say of you；〃 rejoined Mr。 Lavender
reproachfully。
〃Did you 'ear me say 'Move on；'〃 said the officer； 〃or must I make you an
example？〃
〃YOU are the example；〃 said Mr。 Lavender warmly。
〃Any more names；〃 returned the officer； 〃and I take you to the station。〃
And he moved out into the traffic。 Puzzled by his unfriendliness Mr。
Lavender resumed his search； and； arriving at the door indicated； went
in。 A dark； dusty； deserted corridor led him nowhere； till he came on a
little girl in a brown frock； with her hair down her back。
〃Can you tell me； little one〃 he said； laying his hand on her head。
〃Chuck it！〃 said the little girl。
〃No； no！〃 responded Mr。 Lavender； deeply hurt。 〃Can you tell me where I
can find the Minister？〃
〃'Ave you an appointment？
〃No； but I wrote to him。 He should expect me。〃
〃Wot nyme？〃
〃John Lavender。 Here is my card。〃
〃I'll tyke it in。 Wyte 'ere！〃
〃Wonderful！〃 mused Mr。 Lavender； 〃the patriotic impulse already stirring
in these little hearts！ What was the stanza of that patriotic poet？
〃'Lives not a babe who shall not feel the pulse
Of Britain's need beat wild in Britain's wrist。
And； sacrificial； in the world's convulse
Put up its lips to be by Britain kissed。'
So young to bring their lives to the service of the country！〃
〃Come on；〃 said the little girl； reappearing suddenly； 〃e'll see you。〃
Mr。 Lavender entered a room which had a considerable resemblance to the
office of a lawyer save for the absence of tomes。 It seemed furnished
almost exclusively by the Minister； who sat with knees crossed； in a pair
of large round tortoiseshell spectacles； which did not； however； veil the
keenness of his eyes。 He was a man with close
cropped grey hair； a broad； yellow； clean…shaven face； and thrusting grey
eyes。
〃Mr。 Lavender；〃 he said； in a raw； forcible voice； 〃sit down； will you？〃
〃I wrote to you；〃 began our hero； 〃expressing the wish to offer myself as
a speaker。〃
〃Ah！〃 said the Minister。 〃Let's seeLavender； Lavender。 Here's your
letter。〃 And extracting a letter from a file he read it； avoiding with
difficulty his tortoiseshell spectacles。 〃You want to stump the country？
M。A。； Barrister； and Fellow of the Zoological。 Are you a good speaker？〃
〃If zeal… 〃 began Mr。 Lavender。
〃That's it； spark！ We're out to win this war； sir。〃
〃Quite so；〃 began Mr。 Lavender。 〃If devotion〃
〃You'll have to use gas；〃 said the Minister； and we don't pay。〃
〃Pay！〃 cried Mr。 Lavender with horror； 〃no； indeed！〃
The Minister bent on him a shrewd glance。
〃What's your line？ Anything particular； or just general patriotism？
I recommend that； but you'll have to put some punch into it； you
know。〃
〃I have studied all the great orators of the war； sir；〃 said Mr。
Lavender； 〃and am familiar with all the great writers on； it。 I should
form myself on them； and if enthusiasm〃
〃Quite！〃 said the Minister。 〃If you want any atrocities we can give you
them。 No facts and no figures； just general pat。〃
〃I shall endeavour〃 began Mr。 Lavender。
〃Well； good…bye；〃 said the Minister； rising。 〃When do you start？〃
Mr。 Lavender rose too。 〃To…morrow；〃 he said； 〃if I can get inflated。〃
The Minister rang a bell。
〃You're on your own； mind；〃 he said。 〃No facts； what they want is
ginger。 Yes； Mr。 Japes？ 〃
And seeing that the Minister was looking over his tortoiseshell。
spectacles at somebody behind him； Mr。 Lavender turned and went out。 In
the corridor he thought； 〃What terseness！ How different from the days
when Dickens wrote his 'Circumlocution Office'！ Punch！〃 And opening the
wrong door； he found himself in the presence of six little girls in brown
frocks； sitting against the walls with their thumbs in their mouths。
〃Oh！〃 he said； 〃I'm afraid I've lost my way。〃
The eldest of the little girls withdrew a thumb。
〃What d'yer want？〃
〃The door；〃 said Mr。 Lavender。
〃Second on the right。〃
〃Goodbye；〃 said Mr。 Lavender。
The little girls did not answer。 And he went out thinking； 〃These
children are really wonderful！ What devotion one sees！ And yet the
country is not yet fully roused！〃
II
THE VALET
Joe Petty stood contemplating the car which； purchased some fifteen years
before had not been used since the war began。 Birds had nested in its
hair。 It smelled of mould inside； it creaked from rust。 〃The Guv'nor
must be cracked；〃 he thought； 〃to think we can get anywhere in this old
geyser。 Well； well； it's summer； if we break down it won't break my
'eart。 Government jobbetter than diggin' or drillin'。 Good old Guv。！〃
So musing； he lit his pipe and examined the recesses beneath the driver's
seat。 〃A bottle or three；〃 he thought； 〃in case our patriotism should
get us stuck a bit off the beaten； a loaf or two； some 'oney in a pot；
and a good old 'am。
A life on the rollin' road' 'Ow they can give 'im the job I can't
think！〃 His soliloquy was here interrupted by the approach of his wife；
bearing a valise。
〃Don't you wish you was comin'； old girl？〃 he remarked to her lightly。
〃I do not； I'm glad to be shut of you。 Keep his feet dry。 What have you
got under there？〃
Joe Petty winked。
〃What a lumbering great thing it looks！〃 said Mrs。 Petty； gazing upwards。
〃Ah！〃 retu