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perhaps in an asylum。 In this helpless condition； doubt and
fright seem to be driving me back to my Journal。 I wonder whether
I shall find harmless employment here。
I have heard of old people losing their memories。 What would I
not give to be old！ I remember！ oh； how I remember！ One day after
another I see Philip； I see Helena； as I first saw them when I
was among the trees in the park。 My sweetheart's arms； that once
held me； hold my sister now。 She kisses him； kisses him； kisses
him。
Is there no way of making myself see something else？ I want to
get back to remembrances that don't burn in my head and tear at
my heart。 How is it to be done？
I have tried booksno！ I have tried going out to look at the
shopsno！ I have tried saying my prayersno！ And now I am
making my last effort； trying my pen。 My black letters fall from
it； and take their places on the white paper。 Will my black
letters help me？ Where can I find something consoling to write
down？ Where？ Where？
Selinapoor Selina； so fond of me； so sorry for me。 When I was
happy； she was happy； too。 It was always amusing to hear her
talk。 Oh； my memory； be good to me！ Save me from Philip and
Helena。 I want to remember the pleasant days when my kind little
friend and I used to gossip in the garden。
No： the days in the garden won't come back。 What else can I think
of？
。 。 。 。 。 。 。
The recollections that I try to encourage keep away from me。 The
other recollections that I dread； come crowding back。 Still
Philip！ Still Helena！
But Selina mixes herself up with them。 Let me try again if I can
think of Selina。
How delightfully good to me and patient with me she was； on our
dismal way home from the park！ And how affectionately she excused
herself for not having warned me of it； when she first suspected
that my own sister and my worst enemy were one and the same！
〃I know I was wrong； my dear； to let my love and pity close my
lips。 But remember how happy you were at the time。 The thought of
making you miserable was more than I could endureI am so fond
of you！ Yes； I began to suspect them； on the day when they first
met at the station。 And； I am afraid； I thought it just likely
that you might be as cunning as I was； and have noticed them；
too。〃
Oh； how ignorant she must have been of my true thoughts and
feelings！ How strangely people seem to misunderstand their
dearest friends！ knowing； as I did； that I could never love any
man but Philip； could I be wicked enough to suppose that Philip
would love any woman but me？
I explained to Selina how he had spoken to me； when we were
walking together on the bank of the river。 Shall I ever forget
those exquisite words？ 〃I wish I was a better man； Eunice； I wish
I was good enough to be worthy of you。〃 I asked Selina if she
thought he was deceiving me when he said that。 She comforted me
by owning that he must have been in earnest； at the timeand
then she distressed me by giving the reason why。
〃My love； you must have innocently said something to him； when
you and he were alone； which touched his conscience （when he
_had_ a conscience）； and made him ashamed of himself。 Ah； you
were too fond of him to see how he changed for the worse； when yo
ur vile sister joined you； and took possession of him again。 It
made my heart ache to see you so unsuspicious of them。 You asked
me； my poor dear； if they had quarreledyou believed they were
tired of walking by the river； when it was you they were tired
ofand you wondered why Helena took him to see the school。 My
child！ she was the leading spirit at the school； and you were
nobody。 Her vanity saw the chance of making him compare you at a
disadvantage with your clever sister。 I declare； Euneece； I lose
my head if I only think of it！ All the strong points in my
character seem to slip away from me。 Would you believe it？I
have neglected that sweet infant at the cottage； I have even let
Mrs。 Molly have her baby back again。 If I had the making of the
laws； Philip Dunboyne and Helena Gracedieu should be hanged
together on the same gallows。 I see I shock you。 Don't let us
talk of it！ Oh； don't let us talk of it！〃
And here am I writing of it！ What I had determined not to do； is
what I have done。 Am I losing my senses already？ The very names
that I was most anxious to keep out of my memory stare me in the
face in the lines that I have just written。 Philip again！ Helena
again！
。 。 。 。 。 。 。
Another day； and something new that must and will be remembered；
shrink from it as I may。 This afternoon； I met Helena on the
stairs。
She stopped； and eyed me with a wicked smile； she held out her
hand。 〃We are likely to meet often； while we are in the same
house；〃 she said； 〃hadn't we better consult appearances； and
pretend to be as fond of each other as ever？〃
I took no notice of her hand； I took no notice of her shameless
proposal。 She tried again： 〃After all； it isn't my fault if
Philip likes me better than he likes you。 Don't you see that？〃 I
still refused to speak to her。 She still persisted。 〃How black
you look； Eunice！ Are you sorry you didn't kill me； when you had
your hands on my throat？〃
I said： 〃Yes。〃
She laughed； and left me。 I was obliged to sit down on the
stairI trembled so。 My own reply frightened me。 I tried to find
out why I had said Yes。 I don't remember being conscious of
meaning anything。 It was as if somebody else had said Yesnot I。
Perhaps I was provoked； and the word escaped me before I could
stop it。 Could I have stopped it？ I don't know。
。 。 。 。 。 。 。
Another sleepless night。
Did I pass the miserable hours in writing letters to Philip and
then tearing them up？ Or did I only fancy that I wrote to him？ I
have just looked at the fireplace。 The torn paper in it tells me
that I did write。 Why did I destroy my letters？ I might have sent
one of them to Philip。 After what has happened？ Oh； no！ no！
Having been many days away from the Girls' Scripture Class； it
seemed to be possible that going back to the school and the
teaching might help me to escape from myself。
Nothing succeeds with me。 I found it impossible to instruct the
girls as usual； their stupidity soon reached the limit of my
patiencesuffocated me with rage。 One of them； a poor； fat；
feeble creature； began to cry when I scolded her。 I looked with
envy at the tears rolling over her big round cheeks。 If I could
only cry； I might perhaps bear my hard fate with submission。
I walked toward home by a roundabout way； feeling as if want of
sleep was killing me by inches。
In the High Street； I saw Helena； she was posting a letter； and
was not aware that I was near her。 Leaving the post…office； she
crossed the street； and narrowly escaped being run over。 Suppose
the threatened accident had really taken placehow should I have
felt； if it had ended fatally？ What a fool I am to be putting
questions to myself about things that have not happened！
The walking tired me； I went straight home。
Before I could ring the bell； the house door opened； and the
doctor came out。 He stopped to speak to me。 While I had been away
（he said）； something had happened at home （he neither knew nor
wished to know what） w