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misery in masquerade。 It would be wrong to say that I am
miserable。 But I may be on the way to it； I am anxious。
To…day； when he did not know that I was observing him； I
discovered a preoccupied look in Philip's eyes。 He laughed when I
asked if anything had happened to vex him。 Was it a natural
laugh？ He put his arm round me and kissed me。 Was it done
mechanically？ I daresay I am out of humor myself。 I think I had a
little headache。 Morbid； probably。 I won't think of it any more。
It has occurred to me this morning that he may dislike being left
by himself； while I am engaged in my household affairs。 If this
is the case； intensely as I hate her； utterly as I loathe the
idea of putting her in command over my domestic dominions； I
shall ask Miss Jillgall to take my place as housekeeper。
I was away to…day in the kitchen regions rather longer than
usual。 When I had done with my worries； Philip was not to be
found。 Maria； looking out of one of the bedroom windows instead
of doing her work； had seen Mr。 Dunboyne leave the house。 It was
possible that he had charged Miss Jillgall with a message for me。
I asked if she was in her room。 No； she； too； had gone out。 It
was a fine day； and Philip had no doubt taken a strollbut he
might have waited till I could join him。 There were some orders
to be given to the butcher and the green…grocer。 I； too； left the
house； hoping to get rid of some little discontent； caused by
thinking of what had happened。 Returning by the way of High
StreetI declare I can hardly believe it even nowI did
positively see Miss Jillgall coming out of a pawnbroker's shop！
The direction in which she turned prevented her from seeing me。
She was quite unaware that I had discovered her； and I have said
nothing about it since。 But I noticed something unusual in the
manner in which her watch…chain was hanging； and I asked her what
o'clock it was。 She said； 〃You have got your own watch。〃 I told
her my watch had stopped。 〃So has mine；〃 she said。 There is no
doubt about it now； she has pawned her watch。 What for？ She lives
here for nothing； and she has not had a new dress since I have
known her。 Why does she want money？
Philip had not returned when I got home。 Another mysterious
journey to London？ No。 After an absence of more than two hours；
he came back。
Naturally enough； I asked what he had been about。 He had been
taking a long walk。 For his health's sake？ No： to think。 To think
of what？ Well； I might be surprised to hear it； but his idle life
was beginning to weigh on his spirits； he wanted employment。 Had
he thought of an employment？ Not yet。 Which way had he walked？
Anyway： he had not noticed where he went。 These replies were all
made in a tone that offended me。 Besides； I observed there was no
dust on his boots （after a week of dry weather）； and his walk of
two hours did not appear to have heated or tired him。 I took an
opportunity of consulting Mrs。 Tenbruggen。
She had anticipated that I should appeal to her opinion； as a
woman of the world。
I shall not set down in detail what she said。 Some of it
humiliated me； and from some of it I recoiled。 The expression of
her opinion came to this。 In the absence of experience； a certain
fervor of temperament was essential to success in the art of
fascinating men。 Either my temperament was deficient； or my
intellect overpowered it。 It was natural that I should suppose
myself to be as susceptible to the tender passion as the most
excitable woman living。 Delusion； my Helena； amiable delusion！
Had I ever observed or had any friend told me that my pretty
hands were cold hands？ I had beautiful eyes； expressive of
vivacity； of intelligence； of every feminine charm； except the
one inviting charm that finds favor in the eyes of a man。 She
then entered into particulars； which I don't deny showed a true
interest in helping me。 I was ungrateful； sulky；
self…opinionated。 Dating from that day's talk with Mrs。
Tenbruggen； my new friendship began to show signs of having
caught a chill。
But I did my best to follow her instructionsand failed。
It is perhaps true that my temperament is overpowered by my
intellect。 Or it is possibly truer still that the fire in my
heart； when it warms to love； is a fire that burns low。 My belief
is that I surprised Philip instead of charming him。 He responded
to my advances； but I felt that it was not done in earnest； not
spontaneously。 Had I any right to complain？ Was I in earnest？ Was
I spontaneous？ We were making love to each other under false
pretenses。 Oh； what a fool I was to ask for Mrs。 Tenbruggen's
advice！
A humiliating doubt has come to me suddenly。 Has his heart been
inclining to Eunice again？ After such a letter as she has written
to him？ Impossible！
Three events since yesterday； which I consider； trifling as they
may be； intimations of something wrong。
First； Miss Jillgall； who at one time was eager to take my place；
has refused to relieve me of my housekeeping duties。 Secondly；
Philip has been absent again； on another long walk。 Thirdly； when
Philip returned； depressed and sulky； I caught Miss Jillgall
looking at him with interest and pity visible in her skinny face。
What do these things mean？
I am beginning to doubt everybody。 Not one of them； Philip
included； cares for mebut I can frighten them； at any rate。
Yesterday evening； I dropped on the floor as suddenly as if I had
been shot： a fit of some sort。 The doctor honestly declared that
he was at a loss to account for it。 He would have laid me under
an eternal obligation if he had failed to bring me back to life
again。
As it is； I am more clever than the doctor。 What brought the fit
on is well known to me。 Ragefurious； overpowering； deadly
ragewas the cause。 I am now in the cold…blooded state； which
can look back at the event as composedly as if it had happened to
some other girl。 Suppose that girl had let her sweetheart know
how she loved him as she had never let him know it before。
Suppose she opened the door again the instant after she had left
the room； eager； poor wretch； to say once more； for the fiftieth
time； 〃My angel； I love you！〃 Suppose she found her angel
standing with his back toward her； so that his face was reflected
in the glass。 And suppose she discovered in that face； so smiling
and so sweet when his head had rested on her bosom only the
moment before； the most hideous expression of disgust that
features can betray。 There could be no doubt of it； I had made my
poor offering of love to a man who secretly loathed me。 I wonder
that I survived my sense of my own degradation。 Well！ I am alive；
and I know him in his true character at last。 Am I a woman who
submits when an outrage is offered to her？ What will happen next？
Who knows？ I am in a fine humor。 What I have just written has set
me laughing at myself。 Helena Gracedieu has one merit at
leastshe is a very amusing person。
I slept last night。
This morning； I am strong again； calm； wickedly capable of
deceiving Mr。 Philip Dunboyne； as he has deceived me。 He has not
the faintest suspicion that I have discovered him。 I wish he had
courage enough to kill somebody。 How I should enjoy hirin