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MARTHA。 Yes； here I am； my dear little Sasha； and proud to
congratulate you。 ＇They kiss each other＇ Many happy returns of
the day； dear！
SASHA。 Thank you！ ＇She goes and sits down by her father。＇
LEBEDIEFF。 As you were saying； Avdotia Nazarovna； husbands are
hard to find。 I don't want to be rude； but I must say that the
young men of the present are a dull and poky lot； poor fellows！
They can't dance or talk or drink as they should do。
AVDOTIA。 Oh； as far as drinking goes； they are all experts。 Just
give themgive them…
LEBEDIEFF。 Simply to drink is no art。 A horse can drink。 No； it
must be done in the right way。 In my young days we used to sit
and cudgel our brains all day over our lessons； but as soon as
evening came we would fly off on some spree and keep it up till
dawn。 How we used to dance and flirt； and drink； too！ Or
sometimes we would sit and chatter and discuss everything under
the sun until we almost wagged our tongues off。 But now ＇He
waves his hand＇ Boys are a puzzle to me。 They are not willing
either to give a candle to God or a pitchfork to the devil！ There
is only one young fellow in the country who is worth a penny； and
he is married。 ＇Sighs＇ They say； too； that he is going crazy。
MARTHA。 Who is he？
LEBEDIEFF。 Nicholas Ivanoff。
MARTHA。 Yes； he is a fine fellow； only ＇Makes a face＇ he is very
unhappy。
ZINAIDA。 How could he be otherwise； poor boy！ ＇She sighs＇ He made
such a bad mistake。 When he married that Jewess of his he thought
of course that her parents would give away whole mountains of
gold with her； but； on the contrary； on the day she became a
Christian they disowned her； and Ivanoff has never seen a penny
of the money。 He has repented of his folly now； but it is too
late。
SASHA。 Mother； that is not true！
MARTHA。 How can you say it is not true； Sasha； when we all know
it to be a fact？ Why did he have to marry a Jewess？ He must have
had some reason for doing it。 Are Russian girls so scarce？ No； he
made a mistake； poor fellow； a sad mistake。 ＇Excitedly＇ And what
on earth can he do with her now？ Where could she go if he were to
come home some day and say： 〃Your parents have deceived me； leave
my house at once！〃 Her parents wouldn't take her back。 She might
find a place as a house…maid if she had ever learned to work；
which she hasn't。 He worries and worries her now； but the Count
interferes。 If it had not been for the Count； he would have
worried her to death long ago。
AVDOTIA。 They say he shuts her up in a cellar and stuffs her with
garlic； and she eats and eats until her very soul reeks of it。
＇Laughter。＇
SASHA。 But； father； you know that isn't true！
LEBEDIEFF。 What if it isn't； Sasha？ Let them spin yarns if it
amuses them。 ＇He calls＇ Gabriel！
GABRIEL brings him another glass of vodka and a glass of water。
ZINAIDA。 His misfortunes have almost ruined him； poor man。 His
affairs are in a frightful condition。 If Borkin did not take such
good charge of his estate he and his Jewess would soon be
starving to death。 ＇She sighs＇ And what anxiety he has caused us！
Heaven only knows how we have suffered。 Do you realise； my dear；
that for three years he has owed us nine thousand roubles？
MARTHA。 ＇Horrified＇ Nine thousand！
ZINAIDA。 Yes； that is the sum that my dear Paul has undertaken to
lend him。 He never knows to whom it is safe to lend money and to
whom it is not。 I don't worry about the principal； but he ought
to pay the interest on his debt。
SASHA。 ＇Hotly＇ Mamma； you have already discussed this subject at
least a thousand times！
ZINAIDA。 What difference does it make to you？ Why should you
interfere？
SASHA。 What is this mania you all have for gossiping about a man
who has never done any of you any harm？ Tell me； what harm has he
done you？
THIRD GUEST。 Let me say two words； Miss Sasha。 I esteem Ivanoff；
and have always found him an honourable man； but； between
ourselves； I also consider him an adventurer。
SASHA。 I congratulate you on your opinion！
THIRD GUEST。 In proof of its truth； permit me to present to you
the following facts； as they were communicated to me by his
secretary； or shall I say rather； by his factotum； Borkin。 Two
years ago； at the time of the cattle plague； he bought some
cattle and had them insured
ZINAIDA。 Yes； I remember hearing' of that。
THIRD GUEST。 He had them insured； as you understand； and then
inoculated them with the disease and claimed the insurance。
SASHA。 Oh； what nonsense； nonsense； nonsense！ No one bought or
inoculated any cattle！ The story was invented by Borkin； who then
went about boasting of his clever plan。 Ivanoff would not forgive
Borkin for two weeks after he heard of it。 He is only guilty of a
weak character and too great faith in humanity。 He can't make up
his mind to get rid of that Borkin； and so all his possessions
have been tricked and stolen from him。 Every one who has had
anything to do with Ivanoff has taken advantage of his generosity
to grow rich。
LEBEDIEFF。 Sasha； you little firebrand； that will do！
SASHA。 Why do you all talk like this？ This eternal subject of
Ivanoff； Ivanoff； and always Ivanoff has grown insufferable； and
yet you never speak of anything else。 ＇She goes toward the door；
then stops and comes back＇ I am surprised； ＇To the young men＇ and
utterly astonished at your patience； young men！ How can you sit
there like that？ Aren't you bored？ Why； the very air is as dull
as ditchwater！ Do； for heaven's sake say something； try to amuse
the girls a little； move about！ Or if you can't talk of anything
except Ivanoff； you might laugh or sing or dance…
LEBEDIEFF。 ＇Laughing＇ That's right； Sasha！ Give them a good
scolding。
SASHA。 Look here； will you do me a favour？ If you refuse to dance
or sing or laugh； if all that is tedious； then let me beg you；
implore you； to summon all your powers； if only for this once；
and make one witty or clever remark。 Let it be as impertinent and
malicious as you like； so long as it is funny and original。 Won't
you perform this miracle； just once； to surprise us and make us
laugh？ Or else you might think of some little thing which you
could all do together； something to make you stir about。 Let the
girls admire you for once in their lives！ Listen to me！ I suppose
you want them to like you？ Then why don't try to make them do it？
Oh； dear！ There is something wrong with you all！ You are a lot of
sleepy stick…in…the…muds！ I have told you so a thousand times and
shall always go on repeating it； there is something wrong with
every one of you； something wrong； wrong； wrong！
Enter IVANOFF and SHABELSKI through the door on the right。
SHABELSKI。 Who is making a speech here？ Is it you； Sasha？ ＇He
laughs and shakes hands with her＇ Many happy returns of the day；
my dear child。 May you live as long as possible in this life； but
never be born again！
ZINAIDA。 ＇Joyfully＇ My dear Count！
LEBEDIEFF。 Who can this be？ Not you； Count？
SHABELSKI。 ＇Sees ZINAIDA and MARTHA sitting side by side＇ Two
gold mines side by side！ What a pleasant picture it makes！ ＇He
shakes hands with ZINAIDA＇ Good evening； Zuzu！ ＇Shakes hands with
MARTHA＇ Good evening； Birdie！
ZINAIDA。 I am