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and splendid。 My head and my hands tremble with weakness； my neck； as Turgenev says of one of his heroines； is like the handle of a double bass； my chest is hollow； my shoulders narrow； when I talk or lecture； my mouth turns down at one corner； when I smile； my whole face is covered with aged…looking； deathly wrinkles。 There is nothing impressive about my pitiful figure； only； perhaps； when I have an attack of tic douloureux my face wears a peculiar expression； the sight of which must have roused in every one the grim and impressive thought； 〃Evidently that man will soon die。〃
I still； as in the past； lecture fairly well； I can still； as in the past； hold the attention of my listeners for a couple of hours。 My fervour； the literary skill of my exposition； and my humour； almost efface the defects of my voice； though it is harsh； dry； and monotonous as a praying beggar's。 I write poorly。 That bit of my brain which presides over the faculty of authorship refuses to work。 My memory has grown weak； there is a lack of sequence in my ideas； and when I put them on paper it always seems to me that I have lost the instinct for their organic connection； my construction is monotonous； my language is poor and timid。 Often I write what I do not mean； I have forgotten the beginning when I am writing the end。 Often I forget ordinary words； and I always have to waste a great deal of energy in avoiding superfluous phrases and unnecessary parentheses in my letters； both unmistakable proofs of a decline in mental activity。 And it is noteworthy that the simpler the letter the more painful the effort to write it。 At a scientific article I feel far more intelligent and at ease than at a letter of congratulation or a minute of proceedings。 Another point： I find it easier to write German or English than to write Russian。
As regards my present manner of life； I must give a foremost place to the insomnia from which I have suffered of late。 If I were asked what constituted the chief and fundamental feature of my existence now； I should answer； Insomnia。 As in the past； from habit I undress and go to bed exactly at midnight。 I fall asleep quickly； but before two o'clock I wake up and feel as though I had not slept at all。 Sometimes I get out of bed and light a lamp。 For an hour or two I walk up and down the room looking at the familiar photographs and pictures。 When I am weary of walking about； I sit down to my table。 I sit motionless； thinking of nothing； conscious of no inclination； if a book is lying before me； I mechanically move it closer and read it without any interest in that way not long ago I mechanically read through in one night a whole novel； with the strange title 〃The Song the Lark was Singing〃； or to occupy my attention I force myself to count to a thousand； or I imagine the face of one of my colleagues and begin trying to remember in what year and under what circumstances he entered the service。 I like listening to sounds。 Two rooms away from me my daughter Liza says something rapidly in her sleep； or my wife crosses the drawing…room with a candle and invariably drops the matchbox； or a warped cupboard creaks； or the burner of the lamp suddenly begins to hum and all these sounds； for some reason； excite me。
To lie awake at night means to be at every moment conscious of being abnormal； and so I look forward with impatience to the morning and the day when I have a right to be awake。 Many wearisome hours pass before the cock crows in the yard。 He is my first bringer of good tidings。 As soon as he crows I know that within an hour the porter will wake up below； and； coughing angrily； will go upstairs to fetch something。 And then a pale light will begin gradually glimmering at the windows； voices will sound in the street。 。 。 。
The day begins for me with the entrance of my wife。 She comes in to me in her petticoat； before she has done her hair； but after she has washed； smelling of flower…scented eau…de…Cologne； looking as though she had come in by chance。 Every time she says exactly the same thing： 〃Excuse me； I have just come in for a minute。 。 。 。 Have you had a bad night again？〃
Then she puts out the lamp； sits down near the table； and begins talking。 I am no prophet； but I know what she will talk about。 Every morning it is exactly the same thing。 Usually； after anxious inquiries concerning my health； she suddenly mentions our son who is an officer serving at Warsaw。 After the twentieth of each month we send him fifty roubles； and that serves as the chief topic of our conversation。
〃Of course it is difficult for us；〃 my wife would sigh； 〃but until he is completely on his own feet it is our duty to help him。 The boy is among strangers； his pay is small。 。 。 。 However； if you like； next month we won't send him fifty； but forty。 What do you think？〃
Daily experience might have taught my wife that constantly talking of our expenses does not reduce them； but my wife refuses to learn by experience； and regularly every morning discusses our officer son； and tells me that bread； thank God； is cheaper； while sugar is a halfpenny dearer with a tone and an air as though she were communicating interesting news。
I listen； mechanically assent； and probably because I have had a bad night； strange and inappropriate thoughts intrude themselves upon me。 I gaze at my wife and wonder like a child。 I ask myself in perplexity； is it possible that this old； very stout； ungainly woman； with her dull expression of petty anxiety and alarm about daily bread； with eyes dimmed by continual brooding over debts and money difficulties； who can talk of nothing but expenses and who smiles at nothing but things getting cheaper is it possible that this woman is no other than the slender Varya whom I fell in love with so passionately for her fine； clear intelligence； for her pure soul； her beauty； and； as Othello his Desdemona； for her 〃sympathy〃 for my studies？ Could that woman be no other than the Varya who had once borne me a son？
I look with strained attention into the face of this flabby； spiritless； clumsy old woman； seeking in her my Varya； but of her past self nothing is left but her anxiety over my health and her manner of calling my salary 〃our salary；〃 and my cap 〃our cap。〃 It is painful for me to look at her； and； to give her what little comfort I can； I let her say what she likes； and say nothing even when she passes unjust criticisms on other people or pitches into me for not having a private practice or not publishing text…books。
Our conversation always ends in the same way。 My wife suddenly remembers with dismay that I have not had my tea。
〃What am I thinking about； sitting here？〃 she says； getting up。 〃The samovar has been on the table ever so long； and here I stay gossiping。 My goodness！ how forgetful I am growing！〃
She goes out quickly； and stops in the doorway to say：
〃We owe Yegor five months' wages。 Did you know it？ You mustn't let the servants' wages run on； how many times I have said it！ It's much easier to pay ten roubles a month than fifty roubles every five months！〃
As she goes out； she stops to say：
〃The person I am sorriest for is our Liza。 The girl studies at the Conservatoire； always mixes with people