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Polonia； at Rome； and his brother； the Duke of Strachino；
are also remarkable for their hospitalities。 I like the
spirit of the first…named nobleman。 Titles not costing
much in the Roman territory； he has had the head clerk of
the banking…house made a Marquis； and his Lordship will
screw a BAJOCCO out of you in exchange as dexterously as
any commoner could do。 It is a comfort to be able to
gratify such grandees with a farthing or two； it makes
the poorest man feel that he can do good。 'The Polonias
have intermarried with the greatest and most ancient
families of Rome； and you see their heraldic cognizance
（a mushroom or on an azure field） quartered in a hundred
places in the city with the arms of the Colonnas and
Dorias。
City Snobs have the same mania for aristocratic
marriages。 I like to see such。 I am of a savage and
envious nature；I like to see these two humbugs which；
dividing； as they do； the social empire of this kingdom
between them； hate each other naturally； making truce and
uniting； for the sordid interests of either。 I like to
see an old aristocrat； swelling with pride of race； the
descendant of illustrious Norman robbers； whose blood has
been pure for centuries； and who looks down upon common
Englishmen as a free American does on a nigger；I like
to see old Stiffneck obliged to bow down his head and
swallow his infernal pride； and drink the cup of
humiliation poured out by Pump and Aldgate's butler。
'Pump and Aldgate； says he； 'your grandfather was a
bricklayer； and his hod is still kept in the bank。 Your
pedigree begins in a workhouse； mine can be dated from
all the royal palaces of Europe。 I came over with the
Conqueror； I am own cousin to Charles Martel； Orlando
Furioso； Philip Augustus； Peter the Cruel； and Frederick
Barbarossa。 I quarter the Royal Arms of Brentford in my
coat。 I despise you； but I want money； and I will sell
you my beloved daughter； Blanche Stiffneck； for a hundred
thousand pounds； to pay off my mortgages。 Let your son
marry her； and she shall become Lady Blanche Pump and
Aldgate。'
Old Pump and Aldgate clutches at the bargain。 And a
comfortable thing it is to think that birth can be bought
for money。 So you learn to value it。 Why should we； who
don't possess it； set a higher store on it than those who
do？ Perhaps the best use of that book； the 'Peerage；' is
to look down the list； and see how many have bought and
sold birth；how poor sprigs of nobility somehow sell
themselves to rich City Snobs' daughters； how rich City
Snobs purchase noble ladiesand so to admire the double
baseness of the bargain。
Old Pump and Aldgate buys the article and pays the money。
The sale of the girl's person is blessed by a Bishop at
St。 George's； Hanover Square； and next year you read； 'At
Roehampton； on Saturday； the Lady Blanche Pump； of a son
and heir。
After this interesting event； some old acquaintance； who
saw young Pump in the parlour at the bank in the City；
said to him； familiarly； 'How's your wife； Pump； my boy？'
Mr。 Pump looked exceedingly puzzled and disgusted； and；
after a pause； said； 'LADY BLANCHE PUMP' is pretty well；
I thank you。'
'OH； I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR WIFE！' said the familiar
brute； Snooks； wishing him good…bye； and ten minutes
after； the story was all over the Stock Exchange； where
it is told； when young Pump appears； to this very day。
We can imagine the weary life this poor Pump； this martyr
to Mammon； is compelled to undergo。 Fancy the domestic
enjoyments of a man who has a wife who scorns him； who
cannot see his own friends in his own house； who having
deserted the middle rank of life； is not yet admitted to
the higher； but who is resigned to rebuffs and delay and
humiliation； contented to think that his son will be more
fortunate。
It used to be the custom of some very old…fashioned clubs
in this city； when a gentleman asked for change a guinea；
always to bring it to him in WASHED SILVER： that which
had passed immediately out of the hands of vulgar being
considered 'as too coarse to soil a gentleman's fingers。'
So； when the City Snob's money has been washed during a
generation or so； has been washed into estates； and
woods； and castles； and town…mansions； it is allowed to
pass current as real aristocratic coin。 Old Pump sweeps
a shop； runs of messages； becomes a confidential clerk
and partner。 Pump the Second becomes chief of the house；
spins more and more money； marries his son to an Earl's
daughter。 Pump Tertius goes on with the bank； but his
chief business in life is to become the father of Pump
Quartus； who comes out a full…blown aristocrat； and takes
his seat as Baron Pumpington； and his race rules
hereditarily over this nation of Snobs。
CHAPTER IX
ON SOME MILITARY SNOBS
As no society in the world is more agreeable than that of
well…bred and well…informed military gentlemen； so；
likewise； none is more insufferable than that of Military
Snobs。 They are to be found of all grades； from the
General Officer； whose padded old breast twinkles over
with a score of stars； clasps； and decorations； to the
budding cornet； who is shaving for a beard； and has just
been appointed to the Saxe…Coburg Lancers。
I have always admired that dispensation of rank in our
country； which sets up this last…named little creature
（who was flogged only last week because he could not
spell） to command great whiskered warriors； who have
faced all dangers of climate and battle； which； because
he has money； to lodge at the agent's； will place him
over the heads of men who have a thousand times more
experience and desert： and which； in the course of time；
will bring him all the honours of his profession； when
the veteran soldier he commanded has got no other reward
for his bravery than a berth in Chelsea Hospital； and the
veteran officer he superseded has slunk into shabby
retirement； and ends his disappointed life on a
threadbare half…pay。
When I read in the GAZETTE such announcements as
'Lieutenant and Captain Grig； from the Bombardier Guards；
to be Captain； vice Grizzle； who retires；' I know what
becomes of the Peninsular Grizzle； I follow him in spirit
to the humble country town； where he takes up his
quarters； and occupies himself with the most desperate
attempts to live like a gentleman； on the stipend of half
a tailor's foreman； and I picture to myself little Grig
rising from rank to rank； skipping from one regiment to
another； with an increased grade in each； avoiding
disagreeable foreign service； and ranking as a colonel at
thirty；all because he has money； and Lord Grigsby is
his father； who had the same luck before him。 Grig must
blush at first to give his orders to old men in every way
his betters。 And as it is very difficult for a spoiled
child to escape being selfish and arrogant； so it is a
very hard task indeed for this spoiled child of fortune
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