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out of blond sleeves in her famous red satin gown： ay； or
of having Mr。 Toole every day； in a white waistcoat； at
my back； shouting； 'Silence FAW the chair！'
Now； if this be the case； if the Brummagem…plate pomp and
the processions of disguised footmen are odious and
foolish in everyday life； why not always？ Why should
Jones and I； who are in the middle rank； alter the modes
of our being to assume an ECLAT which does not belong to
usto entertain our friends； who （if we are worth
anything and honest fellows at bottom；） are men of the
middle rank too； who are not in the least deceived by our
temporary splendour； and who play off exactly the same
absurd trick upon us when they ask us to dine？
If it be pleasant to dine with your friends； as all
persons with good stomachs and kindly hearts will； I
presume； allow it to be； it is better to dine twice than
to dine once。 It is impossible for men of small means to
be continually spending five…and…twenty or thirty
shillings on each friend who sits down to their table。
People dine for less。 I myself have seen； at my
favourite Club （the Senior United Service）； His Grace the
Duke of Wellington quite contented with the joint； one…
and…three； and half…pint of sherry； nine； and if his
Grace； why not you and I？
This rule I have made； and found the benefit of。
Whenever I ask a couple of Dukes and a Marquis or so to
dine with me； I set them down to a piece of beef； or a
leg…of…mutton and trimmings。 The grandees thank you for
this simplicity； and appreciate the same。 My dear Jones；
ask any of those whom you have the honour of knowing； if
such be not the case。
I am far from wishing that their Graces should treat me
in a similar fashion。 Splendour is a part of their
station； as decent comfort （let us trust）； of yours and
mine。 Fate has comfortably appointed gold plate for
some； and has bidden others contentedly to wear the
willow…pattern。 And being perfectly contented （indeed
humbly thankfulfor look around； O Jones； and see the
myriads who are not so fortunate；） to wear honest linen；
while magnificos of the world are adorned with cambric
and point…lace； surely we ought to hold as miserable；
envious fools； those wretched Beaux Tibbs's of society；
who sport a lace dickey； and nothing besides；the
poor silly jays； who trail a peacock's feather
behind them； and think to simulate the gorgeous bird
whose nature it is to strut on palace…terraces； and to
flaunt his magnificent fan…tail in the sunshine！
The jays with peacocks' feathers are the Snobs of this
world： and never； since the days of Aesop； were they more
numerous in any land than they are at present in this
free country。
How does this most ancient apologue apply to the subject
in hand？the Dinner…giving Snob。 The imitation of the
great is universal in this city； from the palaces of
Kensingtonia and Belgravia； even to the remotest corner
of Brunswick Square。
Peacocks' feathers are stuck in the tails of most
families。 Scarce one of us domestic 2birds but imitates
the lanky； pavonine strut； and shrill； genteel scream。
O you misguided dinner…giving Snobs； think how much
pleasure you lose； and how much mischief you do with your
absurd grandeurs and hypocrisies！ You stuff each other
with unnatural forced…meats； and entertain each other to
the ruin of friendship （let alone health） and the
destruction of hospitality and good…fellowshipyou； who
but for the peacock's tail might chatter away so much at
your ease； and be so jovial and happy！
When a man goes into a great set company of dinner…giving
and dinner…receiving Snobs； if he has a philosophical
turn of mind； he will consider what a huge humbug the
whole affair is： the dishes； and the drink； and the
servants； and the plate； and the host and hostess； and
the conversation； and the company；the philosopher
included。
The host is smiling； and hob…nobbing； and talking up and
down the table； but a prey to secret terrors and
anxieties； lest the wines he has brought up from the
cellar should prove insufficient； lest a corked bottle
should destroy his calculations； or our friend the
carpet…beater； by making some BEVUE； should disclose his
real quality of greengrocer； and show that he is not the
family butler。
The hostess is smiling resolutely through all the
courses； smiling through her agony； though her heart is
in the kitchen； and she is speculating with terror lest
there be any disaster there。 If the SOUFFLE should
collapse； or if Wiggins does not send the ices in time
she feels as if she would commit suicidethat smiling；
jolly woman！
The children upstairs are yelling； as their maid is
crimping their miserable ringlets with hot tongs； tearing
Miss Emmy's hair out by the roots； or scrubbing Miss
Polly's dumpy nose with mottled soap till the little
wretch screams herself into fits。 The young males of the
family are employed； as we have stated； in piratical
exploits upon the landing…place。
The servants are not servants； but the before…mentioned
retail tradesmen。
The plate is not plate； but a mere shiny Birmingham
lacquer； and so is the hospitality； and everything else。
The talk is Birmingham talk。 The wag of the party； with
bitterness in his heart； having just quitted his
laundress； who is dunning him for her bill； is firing off
good stories； and the opposition wag is furious that he
cannot get an innings。 Jawkins； the great
conversationalist； is scornful and indignant with the
pair of them； because he is kept out of court。 Young
Muscadel； that cheap dandy； is talking Fashion and
Almack's out of the MORNING POST； and disgusting his
neighbour； Mrs。 Fox； who reflects that she has never been
there。 The widow is vexed out of patience； because her
daughter Maria has got a place beside young Cambric； the
penniless curate； and not by Colonel Goldmore； the rich
widower from India。 The Doctor's wife is sulky； because
she has not been led out before the barrister's lady； old
Doctor Cork is grumbling at the wine； and Guttleton
sneering at the cookery。
And to think that all these people might be so happy； and
easy； and friendly； were they brought together in a
natural unpretentious way； and but for an unhappy passion
for peacocks' feathers in England。 Gentle shades of
Marat and Robespierre！ when I see how all the honesty of
society is corrupted among us by the miserable fashion…
worship； I feel as angry as Mrs。 Fox just mentioned； and
ready to order a general BATTUE of peacocks。
CHAPTER XXI
SOME CONTINENTAL SNOBS
Now that September has come； and all our Parliamentary
duties are over； perhaps no class of Snobs are in such
high feather as the Continental Snobs。 I watch these
daily as they commence their migrations from the beach at
Folkestone。 I see shoals of them depart （not perhaps
without an innate longing too to quit the Island along
wit