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up trying it at all； and prefers to eke out an uncertain existence by
sponging upon good…natured old Irish women and generous but weak…
minded young artisans who have left their native village to follow him and
enjoy the advantage of his company and conversation。
And so he drags out his life during the middle of the piece； raving at
fortune； raging at humanity； and whining about his miseries until the last
act。
Then he gets back those 〃estates〃 of his into his possession once again；
and can go back to the village and make more moral speeches and be
happy。
Moral speeches are undoubtedly his leading article； and of these； it
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must be owned； he has an inexhaustible stock。 He is as chock…full of
noble sentiments as a bladder is of wind。 They are weak and watery
sentiments of the sixpenny tea…meeting order。 We have a dim notion that
we have heard them before。 The sound of them always conjures up to
our mind the vision of a dull long room； full of oppressive silence； broken
only by the scratching of steel pens and an occasional whispered 〃Give us
a suck； Bill。 You know I always liked you；〃 or a louder 〃Please； sir；
speak to Jimmy Boggles。 He's a…jogging my elbow。〃
The stage hero； however； evidently regards these meanderings as gems
of brilliant thought； fresh from the philosophic mine。
The gallery greets them with enthusiastic approval。 They are a
warm…hearted people； galleryites； and they like to give a hearty welcome
to old friends。
And then； too； the sentiments are so good and a British gallery is so
moral。 We doubt if there could be discovered on this earth any body of
human beings half so moralso fond of goodness； even when it is slow
and stupidso hateful of meanness in word or deedas a modern theatrical
gallery。
The early Christian martyrs were sinful and worldly compared with an
Adelphi gallery。
The stage hero is a very powerful man。 You wouldn't think it to look
at him； but you wait till the heroine cries 〃Help！ Oh； George； save me！〃
or the police attempt to run him in。 Then two villains； three extra hired
ruffians and four detectives are about his fighting…weight。
If he knocks down less than three men with one blow； he fears that he
must be ill； and wonders 〃Why this strange weakness？〃
The hero has his own way of making love。 He always does it from
behind。 The girl turns away from him when he begins （she being； as we
have said； shy and timid）； and he takes hold of her hands and breathes his
attachment down her back。
The stage hero always wears patent…leather boots； and they are always
spotlessly clean。 Sometimes he is rich and lives in a room with seven
doors to it； and at other times he is starving in a garret； but in either event
he still wears brand…new patent…leather boots。
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STAGE…LAND。
He might raise at least three…and…sixpence on those boots； and when
the baby is crying for food； it occurs to us that it would be better if； instead
of praying to Heaven； he took off those boots and pawned them； but this
does not seem to occur to him。
He crosses the African desert in patent…leather boots； does the stage
hero。 He takes a supply with him when he is wrecked on an uninhabited
island。 He arrives from long and trying journeys； his clothes are ragged
and torn； but his boots are new and shiny。 He puts on patent…leather
boots to tramp through the Australian bush； to fight in Egypt； to discover
the north pole。
Sometimes he is a gold…digger； sometimes a dock laborer； sometimes a
soldier； sometimes a sailor； but whatever he is he wears patent…leather
boots。
He goes boating in patent leather boots； he plays cricket in them； he
goes fishing and shooting in them。 He will go to heaven in patent…leather
boots or he will decline the invitation。
The stage hero never talks in a simple； straightforward way； like a
mere ordinary mortal。
〃You will write to me when you are away； dear； won't you？〃 says the
heroine。
A mere human being would reply：
〃Why； of course I shall； ducky； every day。〃
But the stage hero is a superior creature。 He says：
〃Dost see yonder star； sweet？〃
She looks up and owns that she does see yonder star； and then off he
starts and drivels on about that star for full five minutes； and says he will
cease to write to her when that pale star has fallen from its place amid the
firmament of heaven。
The result of a long course of acquaintanceship with stage heroes has
been； so far as we are concerned； to create a yearning for a new kind of
stage hero。 What we would like for a change would be a man who
wouldn't cackle and brag quite so much； but who was capable of taking
care of himself for a day without getting into trouble。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE VILLAIN。
He wears a clean collar and smokes a cigarette； that is how we know
he is a villain。 In real life it is often difficult to tell a villain from an
honest man； and this gives rise to mistakes； but on the stage； as we have
said villains wear clean collars and smoke cigarettes； and thus all fear of
blunder is avoided。
It is well that the rule does not hold off the stage； or good men might
be misjudged。 We ourselves； for instance； wear a clean collar
sometimes。
It might be very awkward for our family； especially on Sundays。
He has no power of repartee； has the stage villain。 All the good
people in the play say rude and insulting things to him； and smack at him；
and score off him all through the act； but he can never answer them back
can never think of anything clever to say in return。
〃Ha！ ha！ wait till Monday week；〃 is the most brilliant retort that he can
make； and he has to get into a corner by himself to think of even that。
The stage villain's career is always very easy and prosperous up to
within a minute of the end of each act。 Then he gets suddenly let in；
generally by the com