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and of lowly origin； or you can be well…to…do and without any sense of
humor。 Peers and policemen are the people most utterly devoid of humor
on the stage。
The chief duty of the comic man's life is to make love to servant…girls；
and they slap his face； but it does not discourage him； he seems to be more
smitten by them than ever。
The comic man is happy under any fate； and he says funny things at
funerals and when the bailiffs are in the house or the hero is waiting to be
hanged。
This sort of man is rather trying in real life。 In real life such a man
would probably be slaughtered to death and buried at an early period of
his career； but on the stage they put up with him。
He is very good； is the comic man。 He can't bear villainy。 To thwart
villainy is his life's ambition； and in this noble object fortune backs him up
grandly。 Bad people come and commit their murders and thefts right
under his nose； so that he can denounce them in the last act。
They never see him there； standing close beside them； while they are
performing these fearful crimes。
It is marvelous how short…sighted people on the stage are。 We always
thought that the young lady in real life was moderately good at not seeing
folks she did not want to when they were standing straight in front of her；
but her affliction in this direction is as nothing compared with that of her
brothers and sisters on the stage。
16
… Page 17…
STAGE…LAND。
These unfortunate people come into rooms where there are crowds of
people aboutpeople that it is most important that they should see； and
owing to not seeing whom they get themselves into fearful trouble； and
they never notice any of them。 They talk to somebody opposite； and they
can't see a third person that is standing bang between the two of them。
You might fancy they wore blinkers。
Then； again； their hearing is so terribly weak。 It really ought to be
seen to。 People talk and chatter at the very top of their voices close
behind them； and they never hear a worddon't know anybody's there；
even。 After it has been going on for half an hour； and the people 〃up
stage〃 have made themselves hoarse with shouting； and somebody has
been boisterously murdered and all the furniture upset； then the people
〃down stage〃 〃think they hear a noise。〃
The comic man always rows with his wife if he is married or with his
sweetheart if he is not married。 They quarrel all day long。 It must be a
trying life； you would think； but they appear to like it。
How the comic man lives and supports his wife （she looks as if it
wanted something to support her； too） and family is always a mystery to
us。 As we have said； he is not a rich man and he never seems to earn any
money。 Sometimes he keeps a shop； and in the way he manages business
it must be an expensive thing to keep； for he never charges anybody for
anything； he is so generous。 All his customers seem to be people more or
less in trouble； and he can't find it in his heart to ask them to pay for their
goods under such distressing circumstances。
He stuffs their basket full with twice as much as they came to buy；
pushes their money back into their hands； and wipes away a tear。
Why doesn't a comic man come and set up a grocery store in our
neighborhood？
When the shop does not prove sufficiently profitable （as under the
above…explained method sometimes happens to be the case） the comic
man's wife seeks to add to the income by taking in lodgers。 This is a bad
move on her part； for it always ends in the lodgers taking her in。 The hero
and heroine； who seem to have been waiting for something of the sort；
immediately come and take possession of the whole house。
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… Page 18…
STAGE…LAND。
Of course the comic man could not think of charging for mere board
and lodging the man who knocked him down when they were boys
together！ Besides； was not the heroine （now the hero's wife） the sweetest
and the blithest girl in all the village of Deepdale？ （They must have been
a gloomy band； the others！） How can any one with a human heart
beneath his bosom suggest that people like that should pay for their rest
and washing？ The comic man is shocked at his wife for even thinking of
such a thing； and the end of it is that Mr。 and Mrs。 Hero live there for the
rest of the play rent free； coals； soap； candles； and hair…oil for the child
being provided for them on the same terms。
The hero raises vague and feeble objections to this arrangement now
and again。 He says he will not hear of such a thing； that he will stay no
longer to be a burden upon these honest folk； but will go forth unto the
roadside and there starve。 The comic man has awful work with him； but
wins at last and persuades the noble fellow to stop on and give the place
another trial。
When； a morning or so after witnessing one of these beautiful scenes；
our own landlady knocks at our door and creates a disturbance over a
paltry matter of three or four weeks' rent； and says she'll have her money
or out we go that very day； and drifts slowly away down toward the
kitchen； abusing us in a rising voice as she descends； then we think of
these things and grow sad。
It is the example of the people round him that makes the comic man so
generous。 Everybody is generous on the stage。 They are giving away
their purses all day long； that is the regulation 〃tip〃 on the stageone's
purse。 The moment you hear a tale of woe； you grab it out of your
pocket； slap it in to the woe…er's palm； grip his hand； dash away a tear； and
exit； you don't even leave yourself a 'bus fare home。 You walk back
quickly and get another purse。
Middle…class people and others on the stage who are short of purses
have to content themselves with throwing about rolls of bank…notes and
tipping servants with five…pound checks。 Very stingy people on the stage
have been known to be so cussed mean as t