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Carley saw two forces in lifethe destructive and constructive。 On the one side greed; selfishness; materialism: on the other generosity; sacrifice; and idealism。 Which of them builded for the future? She saw men as wolves; sharks; snakes; vermin; and opposed to them men as lions and eagles。 She saw women who did not inspire men to fare forth to seek; to imagine; to dream; to hope; to work; to fight。 She began to have a glimmering of what a woman might be。
That night she wrote swiftly and feverishly; page after page; to Glenn; only to destroy what she had written。 She could not keep her heart out of her words; nor a hint of what was becoming a sleepless and eternal regret。 She wrote until a late hour; and at last composed a letter she knew did not ring true; so stilted and restrained was it in all passages save those concerning news of Glenn's comrade and of her own friends。 〃I'll never…never write him again;〃 she averred with stiff lips; and next moment could have laughed in mockery at the bitter truth。 If she had ever had any courage; Glenn's letter had destroyed it。 But had it not been a kind of selfish; false courage; roused to hide her hurt; to save her own future? Courage should have a thought of others。 Yet shamed one moment at the consciousness she would write Glenn again and again; and exultant the next with the clamouring love; she seemed to have climbed beyond the self that had striven to forget。 She would remember and think though she died of longing。
Carley; like a drowning woman; caught at straws。 What a relief and joy to give up that endless nagging at her mind! For months she had kept ceaselessly active; by associations which were of no help to her and which did not make her happy; in her determination to forget。 Suddenly then she gave up to remembrance。 She would cease trying to get over her love for Glenn; and think of him and dream about him as much as memory dictated。 This must constitute the only happiness she could have。
The change from strife to surrender was so novel and sweet that for days she felt renewed。 It was augmented by her visits to the hospital in Bedford Park。 Through her bountiful presence Virgil Rust and his comrades had many dull hours of pain and weariness alleviated and brightened。 Interesting herself in the condition of the seriously disabled soldiers and possibility of their future took time and work Carley gave willingly and gladly。 At first she endeavored to get acquaintances with means and leisure to help the boys; but these overtures met with such little success that she quit wasting valuable time she could herself devote to their interests。
Thus several weeks swiftly passed by。 Several soldiers who had been more seriously injured than Rust improved to the extent that they were discharged。 But Rust gained little or nothing。 The nurse and doctor both informed Carley that Rust brightened for her; but when she was gone he lapsed into somber indifference。 He did not care whether he ate or not; or whether he got well or died。
〃If I do pull out; where'll I go and what'll I do?〃 he once asked the nurse。
Carley knew that Rust's hurt was more than loss of a leg; and she decided to talk earnestly to him and try to win him to hope and effort。 He had come to have a sort of reverence for her。 So; biding her time; she at length found opportunity to approach his bed while his comrades were asleep or out of hearing。 He endeavored to laugh her off; and then tried subterfuge; and lastly he cast off his mask and let her see his naked soul。
〃Carley; I don't want your money or that of your kind friendswhoever they areyou say will help me to get into business;〃 he said。 〃God knows I thank you and it warms me inside to find some one who appreciates what I've given。 But I don't want charity。 。 。 。 And I guess I'm pretty sick of the game。 I'm sorry the Boches didn't do the job right。〃
〃Rust; that is morbid talk;〃 replied Carley。 〃You're ill and you just can't see any hope。 You must cheer upfight yourself; and look at the brighter side。 It's a horrible pity you must be a cripple; but Rust; indeed life can be worth living if you make it so。〃
〃How could there be a brighter side when a man's only half a man〃 he queried; bitterly。
〃You can be just as much a man as ever;〃 persisted Carley; trying to smile when she wanted to cry。
〃Could you care for a man with only one leg?〃 he asked; deliberately。
〃What a question! Why; of course I could!〃
〃Well; maybe you are different。 Glenn always swore even if he was killed no slacker or no rich guy left at home could ever get you。 Maybe you haven't any idea how much it means to us fellows to know there are true and faithful girls。 But I'll tell you; Carley; we fellows who went across got to see things strange when we came home。 The good old U。 S。 needs a lot of faithful girls just now; believe me。〃
〃Indeed that's true;〃 replied Carley。 〃It's a hard time for everybody; and particularly you boys who have lost soso much。〃
〃I lost all; except my lifeand I wish to God I'd lost that;〃 he replied; gloomily。
〃Oh; don't talk so!〃 implored Carley in distress。 〃Forgive me; Rust; if I hurt you。 But I must tell youthatthat Glenn wrote meyou'd lost your girl。 Oh; I'm sorry! It is dreadful for you now。 But if you got welland went to workand took up life where you left itwhy soon your pain would grow easier。 And you'd find some happiness yet。〃
〃Never for me in this world。〃
〃But why; Rust; why? You're nonoOh! I mean you have intelligence and courage。 Why isn't there anything left for you?〃
〃Because something here's been killed;〃 he replied; and put his hand to his heart。
〃Your faith? Your love ofof everything? Did the war kill it?〃
〃I'd gotten over that; maybe;〃 he said; drearily; with his somber eyes on space that seemed lettered for him。 〃But she half murdered itand they did the rest。〃
〃They? Whom do you mean; Rust?〃
〃Why; Carley; I mean the people I lost my leg for!〃 he replied; with terrible softness。
〃The British? The French?〃 she queried; in bewilderment。
〃No!〃 he cried; and turned his face to the wall。
Carley dared not ask him more。 She was shocked。 How helplessly impotent all her earnest sympathy! No longer could she feel an impersonal; however kindly; interest in this man。 His last ringing word had linked her also to his misfortune and his suffering。 Suddenly he turned away from the wall。 She saw him swallow laboriously。 How tragic that thin; shadowed face of agony! Carley saw it differently。 But for the beautiful softness of light in his eyes; she would have been unable to endure gazing longer。
〃Carley; I'm bitter;〃 he said; 〃but I'm not rancorous and callous; like some of the boys。 I know if you'd been my girl you'd have stuck to me。〃
〃Yes;〃 Carley whispered。
〃That makes a difference;〃 he went on; with a sad smile。 〃You see; we soldiers all had feelings。 And in one thing we all felt alike。 That was we were going to fight for our homes and our women。 I should say women first。 No matter what we read or heard about standing by our allies; fighting for liberty or civilization; the truth was we all felt the same; even if we never breathed it。 。 。 。 Glenn fought for you。 I fought for Nell。 。 。 。 We we