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it climb up to six hundred and fifty dollarsand alas； even that is not
the end！ For I have wives all over this Territory of Utah。 I have
dozens of wives whose numbers； even； I do not know without looking in the
family Bible。 They are scattered far and wide among the mountains and
valleys of my realm。 And mark you； every solitary one of them will hear
of this wretched breast pin； and every last one of them will have one or
die。 No。 6's breast pin will cost me twenty…five hundred dollars before
I see the end of it。 And these creatures will compare these pins
together； and if one is a shade finer than the rest； they will all be
thrown on my hands； and I will have to order a new lot to keep peace in
the family。 Sir； you probably did not know it； but all the time you were
present with my children your every movement was watched by vigilant
servitors of mine。 If you had offered to give a child a dime； or a stick
of candy； or any trifle of the kind； you would have been snatched out of
the house instantly； provided it could be done before your gift left your
hand。 Otherwise it would be absolutely necessary for you to make an
exactly similar gift to all my childrenand knowing by experience the
importance of the thing； I would have stood by and seen to it myself that
you did it； and did it thoroughly。 Once a gentleman gave one of my
children a tin whistlea veritable invention of Satan； sir； and one
which I have an unspeakable horror of； and so would you if you had eighty
or ninety children in your house。 But the deed was donethe man
escaped。 I knew what the result was going to be； and I thirsted for
vengeance。 I ordered out a flock of Destroying Angels； and they hunted
the man far into the fastnesses of the Nevada mountains。 But they never
caught him。 I am not cruel； sirI am not vindictive except when sorely
outragedbut if I had caught him； sir； so help me Joseph Smith； I would
have locked him into the nursery till the brats whistled him to death。
By the slaughtered body of St。 Parley Pratt （whom God assail！） there
was never anything on this earth like it！ I knew who gave the whistle to
the child； but I could； not make those jealous mothers believe me。 They
believed I did it； and the result was just what any man of reflection
could have foreseen： I had to order a hundred and ten whistlesI think
we had a hundred and ten children in the house then； but some of them are
off at college nowI had to order a hundred and ten of those shrieking
things； and I wish I may never speak another word if we didn't have to
talk on our fingers entirely； from that time forth until the children got
tired of the whistles。 And if ever another man gives a whistle to a
child of mine and I get my hands on him； I will hang him higher than
Haman！ That is the word with the bark on it！ Shade of Nephi！ You don't
know anything about married life。 I am rich； and everybody knows it。 I
am benevolent； and everybody takes advantage of it。 I have a strong
fatherly instinct and all the foundlings are foisted on me。
Every time a woman wants to do well by her darling； she puzzles her brain
to cipher out some scheme for getting it into my hands。 Why； sir； a
woman came here once with a child of a curious lifeless sort of
complexion （and so had the woman）； and swore that the child was mine and
she my wifethat I had married her at such…and…such a time in such…and…
such a place； but she had forgotten her number； and of course I could not
remember her name。 Well； sir； she called my attention to the fact that
the child looked like me； and really it did seem to resemble mea common
thing in the Territoryand； to cut the story short； I put it in my
nursery； and she left。 And by the ghost of Orson Hyde； when they came to
wash the paint off that child it was an Injun！ Bless my soul； you don't
know anything about married life。 It is a perfect dog's life； sira
perfect dog's life。 You can't economize。 It isn't possible。 I have
tried keeping one set of bridal attire for all occasions。 But it is of
no use。 First you'll marry a combination of calico and consumption
that's as thin as a rail； and next you'll get a creature that's nothing
more than the dropsy in disguise； and then you've got to eke out that
bridal dress with an old balloon。 That is the way it goes。 And think of
the wash…bill（excuse these tears）nine hundred and eighty…four pieces
a week！ No； sir； there is no such a thing as economy in a family like
mine。 Why； just the one item of cradlesthink of it！ And vermifuge！
Soothing syrup！ Teething rings！ And 'papa's watches' for the babies to
play with！ And things to scratch the furniture with！ And lucifer
matches for them to eat； and pieces of glass to cut themselves with！
The item of glass alone would support your family； I venture to say； sir。
Let me scrimp and squeeze all I can； I still can't get ahead as fast as I
feel I ought to； with my opportunities。 Bless you； sir； at a time when I
had seventy…two wives in this house； I groaned under the pressure of
keeping thousands of dollars tied up in seventy…two bedsteads when the
money ought to have been out at interest； and I just sold out the whole
stock； sir； at a sacrifice； and built a bedstead seven feet long and
ninety…six feet wide。 But it was a failure； sir。 I could not sleep。
It appeared to me that the whole seventy…two women snored at once。
The roar was deafening。 And then the danger of it！ That was what I was
looking at。 They would all draw in their breath at once； and you could
actually see the walls of the house suck inand then they would all
exhale their breath at once； and you could see the walls swell out； and
strain； and hear the rafters crack； and the shingles grind together。
My friend； take an old man's advice； and don't encumber yourself with a
large familymind； I tell you； don't do it。 In a small family； and in a
small family only； you will find that comfort and that peace of mind
which are the best at last of the blessings this world is able to afford
us； and for the lack of which no accumulation of wealth； and no
acquisition of fame； power； and greatness can ever compensate us。
Take my word for it； ten or eleven wives is all you neednever go over
it。〃
Some instinct or other made me set this Johnson down as being unreliable。
And yet he was a very entertaining person； and I doubt if some of the
information he gave us could have been acquired from any other source。
He was a pleasant contrast to those reticent Mormons。
CHAPTER XVI。
All men have heard of the Mormon Bible； but few except the 〃elect〃 have
seen it； or； at least； taken the trouble to read it。 I brought away a
copy from Salt Lake。 The book is a curiosity to me； it is such a
pretentious affair； and yet so 〃slow；〃 so sleepy； such an insipid mess of
inspiration。 It is chloroform in print。 If Joseph Smith composed this
book； the act was a miraclekeeping awake while he did it was； at any
rate。 If he； according to tradition； merely translated it from certain
ancient and mysteriously…engraved plates of copper； which he declares he
found under a stone； in an out…of…the…way locality； the work of
translating