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ragged lady, v2-第20章

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The letter went early in the morning; though not so early but it was put
in Gregory's hand as he was leaving his hotel to go to Mrs。 Lander's。  He
tore it open; and read it on the way; and for the first moment it seemed
as if it were Providence leading him that he might lighten Clementina's
heart of its doubts with the least delay。  He had reasoned that if she
would share for his sake the life that he should live for righteousness'
sake they would be equally blest in it; and it would be equally
consecrated in both。  But this luminous conclusion faded in his thought
as he hurried on; and he found himself in her presence with something
like a hope that she would be inspired to help him。

His soul lifted at the sound of the gay voice in which she asked; 〃Did
you get my letta?〃 and it seemed for the instant as if there could be no
trouble that their love could not overcome。

〃Yes;〃 he said; and he put his arms around her; but with a provisionality
in his embrace which she subtly perceived。

〃And what did you think of it?〃 she asked。  〃Did you think I was silly?〃

He was aware that she had trusted him to do away her misgiving。  〃No;
no;〃 he answered; guiltily。  〃Wiser than I am; always。  II want to talk
with you about it; Clementina。  I want you to advise me。〃

He felt her shrink from him; and with a pang he opened his arms to free
her。  But it was right; he must。  She had been expecting him to say that
there was nothing in her misgiving; and he could not say it。

〃Clementina;〃 he entreated; 〃why do you think you are not religious?〃

〃Why; I have never belonged to chu'ch;〃 she answered simply。  He looked
so daunted; that she tried to soften the blow after she had dealt it。
〃Of course; I always went to chu'ch; though father and motha didn't。
I went to the Episcopalto Mr。 Richling's。  But I neva was confirmed。〃

〃But…you believe in God?〃

〃Why; certainly!〃

〃And in the Bible?〃

〃Why; of cou'se!〃

〃And that it is our duty to bear the truth to those who have never heard
of it?〃

〃I know that is the way you feel about it; but I am not certain that I
should feel so myself if you didn't want me to。  That's what I got to
thinking about last night。〃  She added hopefully; 〃But perhaps it isn't
so great a thing as I〃

〃It's a very great thing;〃 he said; and from standing in front of her; he
now sat down beyond a little table before her sofa。  〃How can I ask you
to share my life if you don't share my faith?〃

〃Why; I should try to believe everything that you do; of cou'se。〃

〃Because I do?〃

〃Well…yes。〃

〃You wring my heart!  Are you willing to studyto look into these
questionstoto〃 It all seemed very hopeless; very absurd; but she
answered seriously:

〃Yes; but I believe it would all come back to just where it is; now。〃

〃What you say; Clementina; makes me so happy; but it ought to make me
miserable!  And you would do all this; be all this for me; a wretched and
erring creature of the dust; and yet not do it forGod?〃

Clementina could only say; 〃Perhaps if He meant me to do it for Him; He
would have made me want to。  He made you。〃

〃Yes;〃 said Gregory; and for a long time he could not say any more。  He
sat with his elbow on the table; and his head against his lifted hand。

〃You see;〃 she began; gently; 〃I got to thinking that even if I eva came
to believe what you wanted me to; I should be doing it after all; because
you wanted me to〃

〃Yes; yes;〃 he answered; desolately。  〃There is no way out of it。  If you
only hated me; Clementina; despised meI don't mean that。  But if you
were not so good; I could have a more hope for youfor myself。  It's
because you are so good that I can't make myself wish to change you; and
yet I knowI am afraid that if you told me my life and objects were
wrong; I should turn from them; and be whatever you said。  Do you tell me
that?〃

〃No; indeed!〃 cried Clementina; with abhorrence。  〃Then I should despise
you。〃

He seemed not to heed her。  He moved his lips as if he were talking to
himself; and he pleaded; 〃What shall we do?〃

〃We must try to think it out; and if we can'tif you can't let me give
up to you unless I do it for the same reason that you do; and if I can't
let you give up for me; and I know I could neva do that; then
we mustn't!〃

〃Do you mean; we must part?  Not see each other again?〃

〃What use would it be?〃

〃None;〃 he owned。  She had risen; and he stood up perforce。  〃May Imay
I come back to tell you?〃

〃Tell me what?〃 she asked。

〃You are right!  If I can't make it right; I won't come。  But I won't say
good bye。  Ican't。〃

She let him go; and Maddalena came in at the door。  〃Signorina;〃 she
said; 〃the signora is not well。  Shall I send for the doctor?〃

〃Yes; yes; Maddalena。  Run!〃 cried Clementina; distractedly。  She hurried
to Mrs。 Lander's room; where she found her too sick for reproaches; for
anything but appeals for help and pity。  The girl had not to wait for
Doctor Welwright's coming to understand that the attack was severer than
any before。

It lasted through the day; and she could see that he was troubled。  It
had not followed upon any imprudeuce; as Mrs。 Lander pathetically called
Clementina to witness when her pain had been so far quelled that she
could talk of her seizure。

He found her greatly weakened by it the next day; and he sat looking
thoughtfully at her before he said that she needed toning up。  She caught
at the notion。  〃Yes; yes!  That's what I need; docta!  Toning up!
That's what I need。〃

He suggested; 〃 How would you like to try the sea air; and the bathsat
Venice?〃

〃Oh; anything; anywhere; to get out of this dreadful hole!  I ha'n't had
a well minute since I came。  And Clementina;〃 the sick woman whimpered;
〃is so taken up all the time; he'a; that I can't get the right
attention。〃

The doctor looked compassionately away from the girl; and said; 〃 Well;
we must arrange about getting you off; then。〃

〃But I want you should go with me; doctor; and see me settled all right。
You can; can't you?  I sha'n't ca'e how much it costs?〃

The doctor said gravely he thought he could manage it and he ignored the
long unconscious sigh of relief that Clementina drew。

In all her confusing anxieties for Mrs。 Lander; Gregory remained at the
bottom of her heart a dumb ache。  When the pressure of her fears was
taken from her she began to suffer for him consciously; then a letter
came from him:

     〃I cannot make it right。  It is where it was; and I feel that I must
     not see you again。  I am trying to do right; but with the fear that
     I am wrong。  Send some word to help me before I go away to…morrow。
     F。 G。〃

It was what she had expected; she knew now; but it was none the less to
be borne because of her expectation。  She wrote back:

     〃I believe you are doing the best you can; and I shall always
     believe that。

Her note brought back a long letter from him。  He said that whatever he
did; or wherever he went; he should try to be true to her ideal of him。
If they renounced their love now for the sake of what seemed higher than
their love; they might suffer; but they could not choose but do as they
were doing。

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