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choose between the two oppositesthe recognition that holding
land was unjust and the heritage from his mother？ How atone for
his sin against Katusha？ This last； at any rate； could not be
left as it was。 He could not abandon a woman he had loved； and
satisfy himself by paying money to an advocate to save her from
hard labour in Siberia。 She had not even deserved hard labour。
Atone for a fault by paying money？ Had he not then； when he gave
her the money； thought he was atoning for his fault？
And he clearly recalled to mind that moment when； having caught
her up in the passage； he thrust the money into her bib and ran
away。 〃Oh； that money！〃 he thought with the same horror and
disgust he had then felt。 〃Oh； dear！ oh； dear！ how disgusting；〃
he cried aloud as he had done then。 〃Only a scoundrel； a knave；
could do such a thing。 And I am that knave； that scoundrel！〃 He
went on aloud： 〃But is it possible？〃he stopped and stood
still〃is it possible that I am really a scoundrel？ 。 。 。
Well； who but I？〃 he answered himself。 〃And then； is this the
only thing？〃 he went on； convicting himself。 〃Was not my conduct
towards Mary Vasilievna and her husband base and disgusting？ And
my position with regard to money？ To use riches considered by me
unlawful on the plea that they are inherited from my mother？ And
the whole of my idle； detestable life？ And my conduct towards
Katusha to crown all？ Knave and scoundrel！ Let men judge me as
they like； I can deceive them； but myself I cannot deceive。〃
And； suddenly； he understood that the aversion he had lately； and
particularly to…day； felt for everybodythe Prince and Sophia
Vasilievna and Corney and Missywas an aversion for himself。
And； strange to say； in this acknowledgement of his baseness
there was something painful yet joyful and quieting。
More than once in Nekhludoff's life there had been what he called
a 〃cleansing of the soul。〃 By 〃cleansing of the soul〃 he meant a
state of mind in which； after a long period of sluggish inner
life； a total cessation of its activity； he began to clear out
all the rubbish that had accumulated in his soul； and was the
cause of the cessation of the true life。 His soul needed
cleansing as a watch does。 After such an awakening Nekhludoff
always made some rules for himself which he meant to follow
forever after； wrote his diary； and began afresh a life which he
hoped never to change again。 〃Turning over a new leaf；〃 he called
it to himself in English。 But each time the temptations of the
world entrapped him； and without noticing it he fell again； often
lower than before。
Thus he had several times in his life raised and cleansed
himself。 The first time this happened was during the summer he
spent with his aunts； that was his most vital and rapturous
awakening； and its effects had lasted some time。 Another
awakening was when he gave up civil service and joined the army
at war time； ready to sacrifice his life。 But here the choking…up
process was soon accomplished。 Then an awakening came when he
left the army and went abroad； devoting himself to art。
From that time until this day a long period had elapsed without
any cleansing； and therefore the discord between the demands of
his conscience and the life he was leading was greater than it
had ever been before。 He was horror…struck when he saw how great
the divergence was。 It was so great and the defilement so
complete that he despaired of the possibility of getting
cleansed。 〃Have you not tried before to perfect yourself and
become better； and nothing has come of it？〃 whispered the voice
of the tempter within。 〃What is the use of trying any more？ Are
you the only one？All are alike； such is life；〃 whispered the
voice。 But the free spiritual being； which alone is true； alone
powerful； alone eternal； had already awakened in Nekhludoff； and
he could not but believe it。 Enormous though the distance was
between what he wished to be and what he was； nothing appeared
insurmountable to the newly…awakened spiritual being。
〃At any cost I will break this lie which binds me and confess
everything； and will tell everybody the truth； and act the truth；
〃he said resolutely； aloud。 〃I shall tell Missy the truth； tell
her I am a profligate and cannot marry her； and have only
uselessly upset her。 I shall tell Mary Vasilievna。 。 。 Oh； there
is nothing to tell her。 I shall tell her husband that I；
scoundrel that I am； have been deceiving him。 I shall dispose of
the inheritance in such a way as to acknowledge the truth。 I
shall tell her； Katusha； that I am a scoundrel and have sinned
towards her； and will do all I can to ease her lot。 Yes； I will
see her； and will ask her to forgive me。
〃Yes； I will beg her pardon； as children do。〃 。 。 。 He
stopped…〃will marry her if necessary。〃 He stopped again； folded
his hands in front of his breast as he used to do when a little
child； lifted his eyes； and said； addressing some one： 〃Lord；
help me； teach me； come enter within me and purify me of all this
abomination。〃
He prayed； asking God to help him； to enter into him and cleanse
him； and what he was praying for had happened already： the God
within him had awakened his consciousness。 He felt himself one
with Him； and therefore felt not only the freedom； fulness and
joy of life； but all the power of righteousness。 All； all the
best that a man could do he felt capable of doing。
His eyes filled with tears as he was saying all this to himself；
good and bad tears： good because they were tears of joy at the
awakening of the spiritual being within him； the being which had
been asleep all these years； and bad tears because they were
tears of tenderness to himself at his own goodness。
He felt hot； and went to the window and opened it。 The window
opened into a garden。 It was a moonlit； quiet； fresh night； a
vehicle rattled past； and then all was still。 The shadow of a
tall poplar fell on the ground just opposite the window； and all
the intricate pattern of its bare branches was clearly defined on
the clean swept gravel。 To the left the roof of a coach…house
shone white in the moonlight； in front the black shadow of the
garden wall was visible through the tangled branches of the
trees。
Nekhludoff gazed at the roof； the moonlit garden； and the shadows
of the poplar； and drank in the fresh； invigorating air。
〃How delightful； how delightful； oh； God； how delightful〃 he
said； meaning that which was going on in his soul。
CHAPTER XXIX。
MASLOVA IN PRISON。
Maslova reached her cell only at six in the evening； tired and
footsore； having； unaccustomed as she was to walking； gone 10
miles on the stony road that day。 She was crushed by the
unexpectedly severe sentence and tormented by hunger。 During the
first interval of her trial； when the soldiers were eating bread
and hard…boiled eggs in her presence； her mouth watered and she
realised she was hungry； but considered it beneath her dignity to
beg of them。 Three hours later the desire to eat had passed； and
she felt only weak。 It was then she received the unexpected
sentence。 At first she thought she had made a mistake； she could
not imagine herself as a convict in Siberia； and could n