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struggling chaos of puerilities； meanness； vague capricious memories； and
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indolent make…shift thoughts； from which human words and deeds emerge
like leaflets covering a fermenting heap。
At Basle we were joined by my brother Alfred； now a handsome； self…
confident man of six…and…twentya thorough contrast to my fragile；
nervous； ineffectual self。 I believe I was held to have a sort of half…
womanish； half…ghostly beauty； for the portrait…painters； who are thick as
weeds at Geneva； had often asked me to sit to them； and I had been the
model of a dying minstrel in a fancy picture。 But I thoroughly disliked my
own physique and nothing but the belief that it was a condition of poetic
genius would have reconciled me to it。 That brief hope was quite fled；
and I saw in my face now nothing but the stamp of a morbid organization；
framed for passive sufferingtoo feeble for the sublime resistance of
poetic production。 Alfred； from whom I had been almost constantly
separated； and who； in his present stage of character and appearance； came
before me as a perfect stranger； was bent on being extremely friendly and
brother…like to me。 He had the superficial kindness of a good…humoured；
self…satisfied nature； that fears no rivalry； and has encountered no
contrarieties。 I am not sure that my disposition was good enough for me
to have been quite free from envy towards him； even if our desires had not
clashed； and if I had been in the healthy human condition which admits of
generous confidence and charitable construction。 There must always
have been an antipathy between our natures。 As it was； he became in a
few weeks an object of intense hatred to me； and when he entered the
room； still more when he spoke； it was as if a sensation of grating metal
had set my teeth on edge。 My diseased consciousness was more
intensely and continually occupied with his thoughts and emotions； than
with those of any other person who came in my way。 I was perpetually
exasperated with the petty promptings of his conceit and his love of
patronage； with his self…complacent belief in Bertha Grant's passion for
him； with his half…pitying contempt for meseen not in the ordinary
indications of intonation and phrase and slight action； which an acute and
suspicious mind is on the watch for； but in all their naked skinless
complication。
For we were rivals； and our desires clashed； though he was not aware
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of it。 I have said nothing yet of the effect Bertha Grant produced in me
on a nearer acquaintance。 That effect was chiefly determined by the fact
that she made the only exception； among all the human beings about me；
to my unhappy gift of insight。 About Bertha I was always in a state of
uncertainty： I could watch the expression of her face； and speculate on
its meaning； I could ask for her opinion with the real interest of ignorance；
I could listen for her words and watch for her smile with hope and fear：
she had for me the fascination of an unravelled destiny。 I say it was this
fact that chiefly determined the strong effect she produced on me： for； in
the abstract； no womanly character could seem to have less affinity for that
of a shrinking； romantic； passionate youth than Bertha's。 She was keen；
sarcastic； unimaginative； prematurely cynical； remaining critical and
unmoved in the most impressive scenes； inclined to dissect all my
favourite poems； and especially contemptous towards the German lyrics
which were my pet literature at that time。 To this moment I am unable to
define my feeling towards her： it was not ordinary boyish admiration； for
she was the very opposite； even to the colour of her hair； of the ideal
woman who still remained to me the type of loveliness； and she was
without that enthusiasm for the great and good； which； even at the moment
of her strongest dominion over me； I should have declared to be the
highest element of character。 But there is no tyranny more complete than
that which a self…centred negative nature exercises over a morbidly
sensitive nature perpetually craving sympathy and support。 The most
independent people feel the effect of a man's silence in heightening their
value for his opinionfeel an additional triumph in conquering the
reverence of a critic habitually captious and satirical： no wonder； then；
that an enthusiastic self…distrusting youth should watch and wait before the
closed secret of a sarcastic woman's face； as if it were the shrine of the
doubtfully benignant deity who ruled his destiny。 For a young enthusiast is
unable to imagine the total negation in another mind of the emotions
which are stirring his own： they may be feeble； latent； inactive； he thinks；
but they are therethey may be called forth； sometimes； in moments of
happy hallucination； he believes they may be there in all the greater
strength because he sees no outward sign of them。 And this effect； as I
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have intimated； was heightened to its utmost intensity in me； because
Bertha was the only being who remained for me in the mysterious
seclusion of soul that renders such youthful delusion possible。 Doubtless
there was another sort of fascination at workthat subtle physical
attraction which delights in cheating our psychological predictions； and in
compelling the men who paint sylphs； to fall in love with some bonne et
brave femme； heavy… heeled and freckled。
Bertha's behaviour towards me was such as to encourage all my
illusions； to heighten my boyish passion； and make me more and more
dependent on her smiles。 Looking back with my present wretched
knowledge； I conclude that her vanity and