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stock was quite exhausted； procured an appointment in the
honourable corps of spies and eavesdroppers employed by the
government。 As one of these wretched underlings； he did his
drudgery； sometimes abroad； sometimes at home； and long
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endured the various miseries of such a station。 Ten or a dozen
years ago—not more—a meagre； wan old man； diseased and
miserably poor； was found dead in his bed at an obscure inn in the
Borough； where he was quite unknown。 He had taken poison。
There was no clue to his name； but it was discovered from certain
entries in a pocket…book he carried； that he had been secretary to
Lord George Gordon in the time of the famous riots。
Many months after the re…establishment of peace and order；
and even when it had ceased to be the town…talk； that every
military officer； kept at free quarters by the City during the late
alarms； had cost for his board and lodging four pounds four per
day； and every private soldier two and twopence halfpenny； many
months after even this engrossing topic was forgotten； and the
United Bulldogs were to a man all killed； imprisoned； or
transported； Mr Simon Tappertit； being removed from a hospital
to prison； and thence to his place of trial； was discharged by
proclamation； on two wooden legs。 Shorn of his graceful limbs；
and brought down from his high estate to circumstances of utter
destitution； and the deepest misery； he made shift to stump back
to his old master； and beg for some relief。 By the locksmith’s
advice and aid； he was established in business as a shoe…black； and
opened shop under an archway near the Horse Guards。 This being
a central quarter； he quickly made a very large connection； and on
levee days； was sometimes known to have as many as twenty half…
pay officers waiting their turn for polishing。 Indeed his trade
increased to that extent； that in course of time he entertained no
less than two apprentices； besides taking for his wife the widow of
an eminent bone and rag collector； formerly of Millbank。 With this
lady （who assisted in the business） he lived in great domestic
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happiness； only chequered by those little storms which serve to
clear the atmosphere of wedlock； and brighten its horizon。 In some
of these gusts of bad weather； Mr Tappertit would； in the assertion
of his prerogative； so far forget himself； as to correct his lady with
a brush； or boot； or shoe； while she （but only in extreme cases）
would retaliate by taking off his legs； and leaving him exposed to
the derision of those urchins who delight in mischief。
Miss Miggs； baffled in all her schemes； matrimonial and
otherwise； and cast upon a thankless； undeserving world； turned
very sharp and sour； and did at length become so acid； and did so
pinch and slap and tweak the hair and noses of the youth of
Golden Lion Court； that she was by one consent expelled that
sanctuary； and desired to bless some other spot of earth； in
preference。 It chanced at that moment； that the justices of the
peace for Middlesex proclaimed by public placard that they stood
in need of a female turnkey for the County Bridewell； and
appointed a day and hour for the inspection of candidates。 Miss
Miggs attending at the time appointed； was instantly chosen and
selected from one hundred and twenty…four competitors； and at
once promoted to the office； which she held until her decease；
more than thirty years afterwards； remaining single all that time。
It was observed of this lady that while she was inflexible and grim
to all her female flock； she was particularly so to those who could
establish any claim to beauty： and it was often remarked as a proof
of her indomitable virtue and severe chastity； that to such as had
been frail she showed no mercy； always falling upon them on the
slightest occasion； or on no occasion at all； with the fullest
measure of her wrath。 Among other useful inventions which she
practised upon this class of offenders and bequeathed to posterity；
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was the art of inflicting an exquisitely vicious poke or dig with the
wards of a key in the small of the back； near the spine。 She
likewise originated a mode of treading by accident （in pattens） on
such as had small feet； also very remarkable for its ingenuity； and
previously quite unknown。
It was not very long； you may be sure； before Joe Willet and
Dolly Varden were made husband and wife； and with a handsome
sum in bank （for the locksmith could afford to give his daughter a
good dowry）； reopened the Maypole。 It was not very long； you may
be sure； before a red…faced little boy was seen staggering about the
Maypole passage； and kicking up his heels on the green before the
door。 It was not very long； counting by years； before there was a
red…faced little girl； another red…faced little boy； and a whole troop
of girls and boys： so that； go to Chigwell when you would； there
would surely be seen； either in the village street； or on the green；
or frolicking in the farm…yard—for it was a farm now； as well as a
tavern—more small Joes and small Dollys than could be easily
counted。 It was not a very long time before these appearances
ensued； but it was a very long time before Joe looked five years
older； or Dolly either； or the locksmith either； or his wife either： for
cheerfulness and content are great beautifiers； and are famous
preservers of youthful looks； depend upon it。
It was a long time； too； before there was such a country inn as