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begin by being everything。 It is quite certain that a reform of this
service is needed； for on my word of honor； the State robs the poor
officials as much as the officials rob the State in the matter of
hours。 But why is it that we idle as we do？ because they pay us too
little； and the reason of that is we are too many for the work； and
your late chief； the virtuous Rabourdin； saw all this plainly。 That
great administrator；for he was that； gentlemen；saw what the thing
is coming to； the thing that these idiots call the 'working of our
admirable institutions。' The chamber will want before long to
administrate； and the administrators will want to legislate。 The
government will try to administrate and the administrators will want
to govern； and so it will go on。 Laws will come to be mere
regulations； and ordinances will be thought laws。 God made this epoch
of the world for those who like to laugh。 I live in a state of jovial
admiration of the spectacle which the greatest joker of modern times；
Louis XVIII。； bequeathed to us〃 ＇general stupefaction＇。 〃Gentlemen； if
France； the country with the best civil service in Europe； is managed
thus； what do you suppose the other nations are like？ Poor unhappy
nations！ I ask myself how they can possibly get along without two
Chambers； without the liberty of the press； without reports； without
circulars even； without an army of clerks？ Dear； dear； how do you
suppose they have armies and navies？ how can they exist at all without
political discussions？ Can they even be called nations； or
governments？ It is said （mere traveller's tales） that these strange
peoples claim to have a policy； to wield a certain influence； but
that's absurd！ how can they when they haven't 'progress' or 'new
lights'？ They can't stir up ideas； they haven't an independent forum；
they are still in the twilight of barbarism。 There are no people in
the world but the French people who have ideas。 Can you understand；
Monsieur Poiret；〃 ＇Poiret jumped as if he had been shot＇ 〃how a nation
can do without heads of divisions； general…secretaries and directors；
and all this splendid array of officials； the glory of France and of
the Emperor Napoleon；who had his own good reasons for creating a
myriad of offices？ I don't see how those nations have the audacity to
live at all。 There's Austria； which has less than a hundred clerks in
her war ministry； while the salaries and pensions of ours amount to a
third of our whole budget； a thing that was unheard of before the
Revolution。 I sum up all I've been saying in one single remark；
namely； that the Academy of Inscriptions and Belles…lettres； which
seems to have very little to do； had better offer a prize for the
ablest answer to the following question： Which is the best organized
State； the one that does many things with few officials； or the one
that does next to nothing with an army of them？〃
Poiret。 〃Is that your last word？〃
Bixiou。 〃Yes； sir！ whether English； French； German or Italian；I let
you off the other languages。〃
Poiret ＇lifting his hands to heaven＇。 〃Gracious goodness！ and they
call you a witty man！〃
Bixiou。 〃Haven't you understood me yet？〃
Phellion。 〃Your last observation was full of excellent sense。〃
Bixiou。 〃Just as full as the budget itself； and like the budget again；
as complicated as it looks simple； and I set it as a warning； a
beacon； at the edge of this hole； this gulf； this volcano； called； in
the language of the 'Constitutionel；' 'the political horizon。'〃
Poiret。 〃I should much prefer a comprehensible explanation。〃
Bixiou。 〃Hurrah for Rabourdin！ there's my explanation； that's my
opinion。 Are you satisfied？〃
Colleville ＇gravely＇。 〃Monsieur Rabourdin had but one defect。〃
Poiret。 〃What was it？〃
Colleville。 〃That of being a statesman instead of a subordinate
official。〃
Phellion ＇standing before Bixiou＇。 〃Monsieur！ why did you； who
understand Monsieur Rabourdin so well； why did you make that infthat
odithat hideous caricature？〃
Bixiou。 〃Do you forget our bet？ don't you know I was backing the
devil's game； and that your bureau owes me a dinner at the Rocher de
Cancale？〃
Poiret ＇much put…out＇。 〃Then it is a settled thing that I am to leave
this government office without ever understanding a sentence； or a
single word uttered by Monsieur Bixiou。〃
Bixiou。 〃It is your own fault； ask these gentlemen。 Gentlemen； have
you understood the meaning of my observations？ and were those
observations just； and brilliant？〃
All。 〃Alas； yes！〃
Minard。 〃And the proof is that I shall send in my resignation。 I shall
plunge into industrial avocations。〃
Bixiou。 〃What！ have you managed to invent a mechanical corset； or a
baby's bottle； or a fire engine； or chimneys that consume no fuel； or
ovens which cook cutlets with three sheets of paper？〃
Minard ＇departing。＇ 〃Adieu； I shall keep my secret。〃
Bixiou。 〃Well； young Poiret junior； you see；all these gentlemen
understand me。〃
Poiret ＇crest…fallen＇。 〃Monsieur Bixiou； would you do me the honor to
come down for once to my level and speak in a language I can
understand？〃
Bixiou ＇winking at the rest＇。 〃Willingly。〃 ＇Takes Poiret by the button
of his frock…coat。＇ 〃Before you leave this office forever perhaps you
would be glad to know what you are〃
Poiret ＇quickly＇。 〃An honest man； monsieur。〃
Bixiou ＇shrugging his shoulders＇。 〃to be able to define； explain；
and analyze precisely what a government clerk is？ Do you know what he
is？〃
Poiret。 〃I think I do。〃
Bixiou ＇twisting the button＇。 〃I doubt it。〃
Poiret。 〃He is a man paid by government to do work。〃
Bixiou。 〃Oh！ then a soldier is a government clerk？〃
Poiret ＇puzzled＇。 〃Why； no。〃
Bixiou。 〃But he is paid by the government to do work； to mount guard
and show off at reviews。 You may perhaps tell me that he longs to get
out of his place；that he works too hard and fingers too little
metal； except that of his musket。〃
Poiret ＇his eyes wide open＇。 〃Monsieur； a government clerk is；
logically speaking； a man who needs the salary to maintain himself；
and is not free to get out of his place； for he doesn't know how to do
anything but copy papers。〃
Bixiou。 〃Ah！ now we are coming to a conclusion。 So the bureau is the
clerk's shell； husk； pod。 No clerk without a bureau； no bureau without
a clerk。 But what do you make； then； of a customs officer？〃 ＇Poiret
shuffles his feet and tries to edge away； Bixiou twists off one button
and catches him by another。＇ 〃He is； from the bureaucratic point of
view； a neutral being。 The excise…man is only half a clerk； he is on
the confines between civil and military service； neither altogether
soldier nor altogether clerk Here； here； where are you going？〃
＇Twists the button。＇ 〃Where does the government clerk proper end？
That's a serious question。 Is a prefect a clerk？〃
Poiret ＇hesitating＇。 〃He is a functionary。〃
Bixiou。