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of the place； oppressive； and from without there arose a rush of
free sounds； like the jarring memory of such things in a headache and
heartache。 She stood at the window； bewildered； looking down into this
prison as it were out of her own different prison； when a soft word or
two of surprise made her start； and Little Dorrit stood before her。
'Is it possible； Mrs Clennam； that you are so happily recovered as……'
Little Dorrit stopped； for there was neither happiness nor health in the
face that turned to her。 'This is not recovery； it is not strength； I
don't know what it is。' With an agitated wave of her hand； she put all
that aside。 'You have a packet left with you which you were to give to
Arthur； if it was not reclaimed before this place closed to…night。'
'Yes。'
'I reclaim it。'
Little Dorrit took it from her bosom； and gave it into her hand； which
remained stretched out after receiving it。
'Have you any idea of its contents？'
Frightened by her being there with that new power Of Movement in her；
which； as she said herself； was not strength； and which was unreal
to look upon； as though a picture or statue had been animated； Little
Dorrit answered 'No。'
'Read them。'
Little Dorrit took the packet from the still outstretched hand； and
broke the seal。 Mrs Clennam then gave her the inner packet that was
addressed to herself； and held the other。 The shadow of the wall and of
the prison buildings； which made the room sombre at noon； made it too
dark to read there； with the dusk deepening apace； save in the window。
In the window； where a little of the bright summer evening sky
could shine upon her； Little Dorrit stood； and read。 After a broken
exclamation or so of wonder and of terror； she read in silence。 When
she had finished； she looked round； and her old mistress bowed herself
before her。
'You know； now； what I have done。'
'I think so。 I am afraid so； though my mind is so hurried； and so sorry；
and has so much to pity that it has not been able to follow all I have
read；' said Little Dorrit tremulously。
'I will restore to you what I have withheld from you。 Forgive me。 Can
you forgive me？'
'I can； and Heaven knows I do！ Do not kiss my dress and kneel to me； you
are too old to kneel to me； I forgive you freely without that。'
'I have more yet to ask。'
'Not in that posture；' said Little Dorrit。 'It is unnatural to see your
grey hair lower than mine。 Pray rise； let me help you。' With that she
raised her up； and stood rather shrinking from her； but looking at her
earnestly。
'The great petition that I make to you （there is another which grows
out of it）； the great supplication that I address to your merciful and
gentle heart； is； that you will not disclose this to Arthur until I am
dead。 If you think； when you have had time for consideration； that it
can do him any good to know it while I am yet alive； then tell him。 But
you will not think that； and in such case； will you promise me to spare
me until I am dead？'
'I am so sorry； and what I have read has so confused my thoughts；'
returned Little Dorrit； 'that I can scarcely give you a steady answer。
If I should be quite sure that to be acquainted with it will do Mr
Clennam no good……'
'I know you are attached to him； and will make him the first
consideration。 It is right that he should be the first consideration。 I
ask that。 But； having regarded him； and still finding that you may spare
me for the little time I shall remain on earth； will you do it？'
'I will。'
'GOD bless you！'
She stood in the shadow so that she was only a veiled form to Little
Dorrit in the light； but the sound of her voice； in saying those three
grateful words； was at once fervent and broken……broken by emotion as
unfamiliar to her frozen eyes as action to her frozen limbs。
'You will wonder； perhaps；' she said in a stronger tone； 'that I can
better bear to be known to you whom I have wronged； than to the son
of my enemy who wronged me。……For she did wrong me！ She not only sinned
grievously against the Lord； but she wronged me。 What Arthur's father
was to me； she made him。 From our marriage day I was his dread； and that
she made me。 I was the scourge of both； and that is referable to her。
You love Arthur （I can see the blush upon your face； may it be the dawn
of happier days to both of you！）； and you will have thought already that
he is as merciful and kind as you； and why do I not trust myself to him
as soon as to you。 Have you not thought so？'
'No thought；' said Little Dorrit； 'can be quite a stranger to my heart；
that springs out of the knowledge that Mr Clennam is always to be relied
upon for being kind and generous and good。'
'I do not doubt it。 Yet Arthur is； of the whole world； the one person
from whom I would conceal this； while I am in it。 I kept over him as
a child； in the days of his first remembrance； my restraining and
correcting hand。 I was stern with him； knowing that the transgressions
of the parents are visited on their offspring； and that there was an
angry mark upon him at his birth。 I have sat with him and his father；
seeing the weakness of his father yearning to unbend to him； and forcing
it back； that the child might work out his release in bondage and
hardship。 I have seen him； with his mother's face； looking up at me in
awe from his little books； and trying to soften me with his mother's
ways that hardened me。'
The shrinking of her auditress stopped her for a moment in her flow of
words； delivered in a retrospective gloomy voice。
'For his good。 Not for the satisfaction of my injury。 What was I； and
what was the worth of that； before the curse of Heaven！ I have seen that
child grow up； not to be pious in a chosen way （his mother's influence
lay too heavy on him for that）； but still to be just and upright； and
to be submissive to me。 He never loved me； as I once half…hoped he
might……so frail we are； and so do the corrupt affections of the flesh
war with our trusts and tasks； but he always respected me and ordered
himself dutifully to me。 He does to this hour。 With an empty place in
his heart that he has never known the meaning of； he has turned
away from me and gone his separate road； but even that he has done
considerately and with deference。 These have been his relations towards
me。 Yours have been of a much slighter kind； spread over a much shorter
time。 When you have sat at your needle in my room； you have been in fear
of me； but you have supposed me to have been doing you a kindness； you
are better informed now； and know me to have done you an injury。 Your
misconstruction and misunderstanding of the cause in which； and the
motives with which； I have worked out this work； is lighter to endure
than his would be。 I would not； for any worldly repense I can
imagine； have him in a moment； however blindly； throw me down from the
station I have held before him all his life； and change me altogether
into something he would cast out of his respect； and think detected and
exposed。 Let him do it； if it must be done； when I am not here to see
it。 Let me never feel； while I am still alive； that I die before his
face； and utterly perish away from him； lik