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quarrelsome … the lie circumstantial and the lie direct … are of
immeasurably greater interest in the House of Commons than the
health； the taxation； and the education； of a whole people。 I will
not penetrate into the mysteries of that secret chamber in which
the Bluebeard of Party keeps his strangled public questions； and
with regard to which； when he gives the key to his wife； the new
comer； he strictly charges her on no account to open the door。 I
will merely put it to the experience of everybody here； whether the
House of Commons is not occasionally a little hard of hearing； a
little dim of sight； a little slow of understanding； and whether；
in short； it is not in a sufficiency invalided state to require
close watching； and the occasional application of sharp stimulants；
and whether it is not capable of considerable improvement？ I
believe that； in order to preserve it in a state of real usefulness
and independence； the people must be very watchful and very jealous
of it； and it must have its memory jogged； and be kept awake when
it happens to have taken too much Ministerial narcotic； it must be
trotted about； and must be bustled and pinched in a friendly way；
as is the usage in such cases。 I hold that no power can deprive us
of the right to administer our functions as a body comprising
electors from all parts of the country； associated together because
their country is dearer to them than drowsy twaddle； unmeaning
routine； or worn…out conventionalities。
This brings me to objection number two。 It is stated that this
Association sets class against class。 Is this so？ （CRIES OF
〃No。〃） No； it finds class set against class； and seeks to
reconcile them。 I wish to avoid placing in opposition those two
words … Aristocracy and People。 I am one who can believe in the
virtues and uses of both； and would not on any account deprive
either of a single just right belonging to it。 I will use； instead
of these words； the terms； the governors and the governed。 These
two bodies the Association finds with a gulf between them； in which
are lying； newly…buried； thousands on thousands of the bravest and
most devoted men that even England ever bred。 It is to prevent the
recurrence of innumerable smaller evils； of which； unchecked； that
great calamity was the crowning height and the necessary
consummation； and to bring together those two fronts looking now so
strangely at each other； that this Association seeks to help to
bridge over that abyss； with a structure founded on common justice
and supported by common sense。 Setting class against class！ That
is the very parrot prattle that we have so long heard。 Try its
justice by the following example：… A respectable gentleman had a
large establishment； and a great number of servants； who were good
for nothing； who； when he asked them to give his children bread；
gave them stones； who； when they were told to give those children
fish； gave them serpents。 When they were ordered to send to the
East； they sent to the West； when they ought to have been serving
dinner in the North； they were consulting exploded cookery books in
the South； who wasted； destroyed； tumbled over one another when
required to do anything； and were bringing everything to ruin。 At
last the respectable gentleman calls his house steward； and says；
even then more in sorrow than in anger； 〃This is a terrible
business； no fortune can stand it … no mortal equanimity can bear
it！ I must change my system； I must obtain servants who will do
their duty。〃 The house steward throws up his eyes in pious horror；
ejaculates 〃Good God； master； you are setting class against class！〃
and then rushes off into the servants' hall； and delivers a long
and melting oration on that wicked feeling。
I now come to the third objection； which is common among young
gentlemen who are not particularly fit for anything but spending
money which they have not got。 It is usually comprised in the
observation； 〃How very extraordinary it is that these
Administrative Reform fellows can't mind their own business。〃 I
think it will occur to all that a very sufficient mode of disposing
of this objection is to say； that it is our own business we mind
when we come forward in this way； and it is to prevent it from
being mismanaged by them。 I observe from the Parliamentary debates
… which have of late； by…the…bye； frequently suggested to me that
there is this difference between the bull of Spain the bull of
Nineveh； that； whereas； in the Spanish case； the bull rushes at the
scarlet； in the Ninevite case； the scarlet rushes at the bull … I
have observed from the Parliamentary debates that； by a curious
fatality； there has been a great deal of the reproof valiant and
the counter…check quarrelsome； in reference to every case； showing
the necessity of Administrative Reform； by whomsoever produced；
whensoever； and wheresoever。 I daresay I should have no difficulty
in adding two or three cases to the list； which I know to be true；
and which I have no doubt would be contradicted； but I consider it
a work of supererogation； for； if the people at large be not
already convinced that a sufficient general case has been made out
for Administrative Reform； I think they never can be； and they
never will be。 There is； however； an old indisputable； very well
known story； which has so pointed a moral at the end of it that I
will substitute it for a new case： by doing of which I may avoid；
I hope； the sacred wrath of St。 Stephen's。 Ages ago a savage mode
of keeping accounts on notched sticks was introduced into the Court
of Exchequer； and the accounts were kept； much as Robinson Crusoe
kept his calendar on the desert island。 In the course of
considerable revolutions of time； the celebrated Cocker was born；
and died； Walkinghame； of the Tutor's Assistant； and well versed in
figures； was also born； and died； a multitude of accountants； book…
keepers； and actuaries； were born； and died。 Still official
routine inclined to these notched sticks； as if they were pillars
of the constitution； and still the Exchequer accounts continued to
be kept on certain splints of elm wood called 〃tallies。〃 In the
reign of George III。 an inquiry was made by some revolutionary
spirit； whether pens； ink； and paper； slates and pencils； being in
existence； this obstinate adherence to an obsolete custom ought to
be continued； and whether a change ought not to be effected。
All the red tape in the country grew redder at the bare mention of
this bold and original conception； and it took till 1826 to get
these sticks abolished。 In 1834 it was found that there was a
considerable accumulation of them； and the question then arose；
what was to be done with such worn…out； worm…eaten； rotten old bits
of wood？ I dare say there was a vast amount of minuting；
memoranduming； and despatch…boxing； on this mighty subject。 The
sticks were housed at Westminster； and it would naturally occur to