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being what they call 〃a sweet fellow；〃 his route might possibly
lie in that direction。
Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is； the
bewilderment of a guest in gaining his chamber； many strange
doors lying between him and it。 To direct him by finger…posts
would look rather queer； and just as queer in him to be knocking
at every door on his route； like London's city guest； the king；
at Temple…Bar。
Now； of all these things and many； many more； my family
continually complained。 At last my wife came out with her
sweeping propositionin toto to abolish the chimney。
〃What！〃 said I； 〃abolish the chimney？ To take out the backbone of
anything； wife； is a hazardous affair。 Spines out of backs； and
chimneys out of houses； are not to be taken like frosted lead
pipes from the ground。 Besides；〃 added I； 〃the chimney is the one
grand permanence of this abode。 If undisturbed by innovators；
then in future ages； when all the house shall have crumbled from
it； this chimney will still survivea Bunker Hill monument。 No；
no； wife； I can't abolish my backbone。〃
So said I then。 But who is sure of himself； especially an old
man； with both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear？ In
time； I was persuaded to think a little better of it； in short；
to take the matter into preliminary consideration。 At length it
came to pass that a master…masona rough sort of architectone
Mr。 Scribe； was summoned to a conference。 I formally introduced
him to my chimney。 A previous introduction from my wife had
introduced him to myself。 He had been not a little employed by
that lady； in preparing plans and estimates for some of her
extensive operations in drainage。 Having； with much ado； exhorted
from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an
unmolested survey； I began by leading Mr。 Scribe down to the root
of the matter； in the cellar。 Lamp in hand； I descended； for
though up…stairs it was noon； below it was night。
We seemed in the pyramids； and I； with one hand holding my lamp
over head； and with the other pointing out； in the obscurity； the
hoar mass of the chimney； seemed some Arab guide； showing the
cobwebbed mausoleum of the great god Apis。
〃This is a most remarkable structure； sir；〃 said the
master…mason； after long contemplating it in silence； 〃a most
remarkable structure； sir。〃
〃Yes；〃 said I complacently； 〃every one says so。〃
〃But large as it appears above the roof； I would not have
inferred the magnitude of this foundation； sir；〃 eyeing it
critically。
Then taking out his rule； he measured it。
〃Twelve feet square； one hundred and forty…four square feet！
Sir； this house would appear to have been built simply for the
accommodation of your chimney。〃
〃Yes； my chimney and me。 Tell me candidly； now；〃 I added； 〃would
you have such a famous chimney abolished？〃
〃I wouldn't have it in a house of mine； sir； for a gift；〃 was the
reply。 〃It's a losing affair altogether； sir。 Do you know； sir；
that in retaining this chimney； you are losing； not only one
hundred and forty…four square feet of good ground； but likewise a
considerable interest upon a considerable principal？〃
〃How？〃
Look； sir！〃 said he； taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket；
and figuring against a whitewashed wall； 〃twenty times eight is
so and so； then forty…two times thirtynine is so and soain't
it；sir？ Well； add those together； and subtract this here； then
that makes so and so； 〃 still chalking away。
To be brief； after no small ciphering； Mr。 Scribe informed me
that my chimney contained； I am ashamed to say how many thousand
and odd valuable bricks。
〃No more；〃 said I fidgeting。 〃Pray now； let us have a look
above。〃
In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the
first and second floors。 That done； we stood together at the foot
of the stairway by the front door； my hand upon the knob； and Mr。
Scribe hat in hand。
〃Well； sir；〃 said he； a sort of feeling his way； and； to help
himself； fumbling with his hat； 〃well； sir； I think it can be
done。〃
〃What； pray； Mr。 Scribe； WHAT can be done？〃
〃Your chimney； sir； it can without rashness be removed； I think。〃
〃I will think of it； too； Mr。 Scribe〃 said I； turning the knob
and bowing him towards the open space without； 〃I will THINK of
it； sir； it demands consideration； much obliged to ye； good
morning； Mr。 Scribe。〃
〃It is all arranged； then；〃 cried my wife with great glee；
bursting from the nighest room。
〃When will they begin？〃 demanded my daughter Julia。
〃To…morrow？〃 asked Anna。
〃Patience； patience； my dears；〃 said I； 〃such a big chimney is
not to be abolished in a minute。〃
Next morning it began again。
〃You remember the chimney；〃 said my wife。 〃Wife；〃 said I； 〃it is
never out of my house and never out of my mind。〃
〃But when is Mr。 Scribe to begin to pull it down？〃 asked Anna。
〃Not to…day； Anna；〃 said I。
〃WHEN； then？〃 demanded Julia； in alarm。
Now； if this chimney of mine was； for size； a sort of belfry； for
ding…donging at me about it； my wife and daughters were a sort of
bells； always chiming together； or taking up each other's
melodies at every pause； my wife the key…clapper of all。 A very
sweet ringing； and pealing； and chiming； I confess； but then； the
most silvery of bells may； sometimes； dismally toll； as well as
merrily play。 And as touching the subject in question； it became
so now。 Perceiving a strange relapse of opposition in me； wife
and daughters began a soft and dirge…like； melancholy tolling
over it。
At length my wife； getting much excited； declared to me； with
pointed finger； that so long as that chimney stood； she should
regard it as the monument of what she called my broken pledge。
But finding this did not answer； the next day； she gave me to
understand that either she or the chimney must quit the house。
Finding matters coming to such a pass； I and my pipe
philosophized over them awhile； and finally concluded between us；
that little as our hearts went with the plan； yet for peace'
sake； I might write out the chimney's death…warrant； and； while
my hand was in； scratch a note to Mr。 Scribe。
Considering that I； and my chimney； and my pipe； from having been
so much together； were three great cronies； the facility with
which my pipe consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of
our trio； or rather； the way in which I and my pipe； in secret；
conspired togetber； as it were； against our unsuspicious old
comradethis may seem rather strange； if not suggestive of sad
reflections upon us two。 But； indeed； we； sons of clay； that is
my pipe and I； are no wbit better than the rest。 Far from us；
indeed； to have volunteered the betrayal of our crony。 We are of
a peaceable nature； too。 But that love of peace it was which made
us false to a mutual friend； as soon as his cause demanded a
vigorous vin