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memory of my kinsman； very naturally chimed in with what had been
mysterious； or at least unexplained； about him； vague flashings
of ingots united in my mind with vague gleamings of skulls。 But
the first cool thought soon dismissed such chimeras； and； with a
calm smile； I turned towards my wife； who； meantime； had been
sitting nearby； impatient enough； I dare say； to know who could
have taken it into his head to write me a letter。
〃Well； old man；〃 said she； 〃who is it from； and what is it
about？〃
〃Read it； wife；〃 said I； handing it。
Read it she did； and thensuch an explosion！ I will not pretend
to describe her emotions； or repeat her expressions。 Enough that
my daughters were quickly called in to share the excitement。
Although they had never dreamed of such a revelation as Mr。
Scribe's； yet upon the first suggestion they instinctively saw
the extreme likelihood of it。 In corroboration； they cited first
my kinsman； and second； my chimney； alleging that the profound
mystery involving the former； and the equally profound masonry
involving the latter； though both acknowledged facts； were alike
preposterous on any other supposition than the secret closet。
But all this time I was quietly thinking to myself： Could it be
hidden from me that my credulity in this instance would operate
very favorably to a certain plan of theirs？ How to get to the
secret closet； or how to have any certainty about it at all；
without making such fell work with my chimney as to render its
set destruction superfluous？ That my wife wished to get rid of
the chimney； it needed no reflection to show； and that Mr。
Scribe； for all his pretended disinterestedness； was not opposed
to pocketing five hundred dollars by the operation； seemed
equally evident。 That my wife had； in secret； laid heads together
with Mr。 Scribe； I at present refrain from affirming。 But when I
consider her enmity against my chimney； and the steadiness with
which at the last she is wont to carry out her schemes； if by
hook or crook she can； especially after having been once baffled；
why； I scarcely knew at what step of hers to be surprised。
Of one thing only was I resolved； that I and my chimney should
not budge。
In vain all protests。 Next morning I went out into the road；
where I had noticed a diabolical…looking old gander； that； for
its doughty exploits in the way of scratching into forbidden
enclosures； had been rewarded by its master with a portentous；
four…pronged； wooden decoration； in the shape of a collar of the
Order of the Garotte。 This gander I cornered and rummaging out
its stiffest quill； plucked it； took it home； and making a stiff
pen； inscribed the following stiff note：
CHIMNEY SIDE； April 2。
MR。 SCRIBE
Sir：…For your conjecture； we return you our joint thanks and
compliments； and beg leave to assure you； that we shall remain；
Very faithfully；
The same；
I AND MY CHIMNEY。
Of course； for this epistle we had to endure some pretty sharp
raps。 But having at last explicitly understood from me that Mr。
Scribe's note had not altered my mind one jot； my wife； to move
me； among other things said； that if she remembered aright； there
was a statute placing the keeping in private of secret closets on
the same unlawful footing with the keeping of gunpowder。 But it
had no effect。
A few days after； my spouse changed her key。
It was nearly midnight； and all were in bed but ourselves； who
sat up； one in each chimney… corner； she； needles in hand；
indefatigably knitting a sock； I； pipe in mouth； indolently
weaving my vapors。
It was one of the first of the chill nights in autumn。 There was
a fire on the hearth； burning low。 The air without was torpid and
heavy； the wood； by an oversight； of the sort called soggy。
〃Do look at the chimney；〃 she began； 〃can't you see that
something must be in it？〃
〃Yes； wife。 Truly there is smoke in the chimney； as in Mr。
Scribe's note。〃
〃Smoke？ Yes； indeed； and in my eyes； too。 How you two wicked old
sinners do smoke！this wicked old chimney and you。〃
〃Wife；〃 said I； 〃I and my chimney like to have a quiet smoke
together； it is true； but we don't like to be called names。〃
〃Now； dear old man；〃 said she； softening down； and a little
shifting the subject； 〃when you think of that old kinsman of
yours； you KNOW there must be a secret closet in this chimney。〃
〃Secret ash…hole； wife； why don't you have it？ Yes； I dare say
there is a secret ash…hole in the chimney； for where do all the
ashes go to that drop down the queer hole yonder？〃
〃I know where they go to； I've been there almost as many times as
the cat。〃
〃What devil； wife； prompted you to crawl into the ash…hole？ Don't
you know that St。 Dunstan's devil emerged from the ash…hole？ You
will get your death one of these days； exploring all about as you
do。 But supposing there be a secret closet； what then？〃
〃What then？ why what should be in a secret closet but〃
〃Dry bones； wife；〃 broke in I with a puff； while the sociable old
chimney broke in with another。
〃There again！ Oh； how this wretched old chimney smokes；〃 wiping
her eyes with her handkerchief。 〃I've no doubt the reason it
smokes so is； because that secret closet interferes with the
flue。 Do see； too； how the jambs here keep settling； and it's
down hill all the way from the door to this hearth。 This horrid
old chimney will fall on our heads yet； depend upon it； old man。〃
〃Yes； wife； I do depend on it； yes indeed； I place every
dependence on my chimney。 As for its settling； I like it。 I； too；
am settling； you know； in my gait。 I and my chimney are settling
together； and shall keep settling； too； till； as in a great
feather…bed； we shall both have settled away clean out of sight。
But this secret oven； I mean； secret closet of yours； wife； where
exactly do you suppose that secret closet is？ 〃
〃That is for Mr。 Scribe to say。〃
〃But suppose he cannot say exactly； what； then？〃
〃Why then he can prove； I am sure； that it must be somewhere or
other in this horrid old chimney。〃
〃And if he can't prove that； what； then？〃
〃Why then； old man；〃 with a stately air； 〃I shall say little more
about it。〃
〃Agreed； wife；〃 returned I； knocking my pipe…bowl against the
jamb； 〃and now； to…morrow； I will for a third time send for Mr。
Scribe。 Wife； the sciatica takes me； be so good as to put this
pipe on the mantel。〃
〃If you get the step…ladder for me； I will。 This shocking old
chimney； this abominable old…fashioned old chimney's mantels are
so high； I can't reach them。〃
No opportunity； however trivial； was overlooked for a subordinate
fling at the pile。
Here； by way of introduction； it should be mentioned； that
besides the fireplaces all round it； the chimney was； in the most
haphazard way； excavated on each floor for certain curious
out…of…the…way cupboards and closets； of all sor