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May。
March 19th。 I don't remember my mind running once on the end of
the cravat yesterday； and I am certain I never looked at it； yet
I had the strangest dream concerning it at night。 I thought it
was lengthened into a long clew； like the silken thread that led
to Rosamond's Bower。 I thought I took hold of it； and followed it
a little way； and then got frightened and tried to go back； but
found that I was obliged； in spite of myself； to go on。 It led me
through a place like the Valley of the Shadow of Death； in an old
print I remember in my mother's copy of the Pilgrim's Progress。 I
seemed to be months and months following it without any respite；
till at last it brought me； on a sudden； face to face with an
angel whose eyes were like Mary's。 He said to me； 〃Go on； still；
the truth is at the end； waiting for you to find it。〃 I burst out
crying； for the angel had Mary's voice as well as Mary's eyes；
and woke with my heart throbbing and my cheeks all wet。 What is
the meaning of this？ Is it always superstitious； I wonder； to
believe that dreams may come true？
* * * * * * *
April 30th。 I have found it！ God knows to what results it may
lead； but it is as certain as that I am sitting here before my
journal that I have found the cravat from which the end in Mary's
hand was torn。 I discovered it last night； but the flutter I was
in； and the nervousness and uncertainty I felt； prevented me from
noting down this most extraordinary and unexpected event at the
time when it happened。 Let me try if I can preserve the memory of
it in writing now。
I was going home rather late from where I work； when I suddenly
remembered that I had forgotten to buy myself any candles the
evening before； and that I should be left in the dark if I did
not manage to rectify this mistake in some way。 The shop close to
me； at which I usually deal； would be shut up； I knew； before I
could get to it； so I determined to go into the first place I
passed where candles were sold。 This turned out to be a small
shop with two counters； which did business on one side in the
general grocery way； and on the other in the rag and bottle and
old iron line。
There were several customers on the grocery side when I went in；
so I waited on the empty rag side till I could be served。
Glancing about me here at the worthless…looking things by which I
was surrounded； my eye was caught by a bundle of rags lying on
the counter； as if they had just been brought in and left there。
From mere idle curiosity； I looked close at the rags； and saw
among them something like an old cravat。 I took it up directly
and held it under a gaslight。 The pattern was blurred lilac lines
running across and across the dingy black ground in a
trellis…work form。 I looked at the ends： one of them was torn
off。
How I managed to hide the breathless surprise into which this
discovery threw me I cannot say； but I certainly contrived to
steady my voice somehow； and to ask for my candles calmly when
the man and woman serving in the shop； having disposed of their
other customers； inquired of me what I wanted。
As the man took down the candles； my brain was all in a whirl
with trying to think how I could get possession of the old cravat
without exciting any suspicion。 Chance； and a little quickness on
my part in taking advantage of it； put the object within my reach
in a moment。 The man； having counted out the candles； asked the
woman for some paper to wrap them in。 She produced a piece much
too small and flimsy for the purpose； and declared； when he
called for something better； that the day's supply of stout paper
was all exhausted。 He flew into a rage with her for managing so
badly。 Just as they were beginning to quarrel violently； I
stepped back to the rag…counter； took the old cravat carelessly
out of the bundle； and said； in as light a tone as I could
possibly assume：
〃Come； come； don't let my candles be the cause of hard words
between you。 Tie this ragged old thing round them with a bit of
string； and I shall carry them home quite comfortably。〃
The man seemed disposed to insist on the stout paper being
produced； but the woman； as if she was glad of an opportunity of
spiting him； snatched the candles away； and tied them up in a
moment in the torn old cravat。 I was afraid he would have struck
her before my face； he seemed in such a fury； but； fortunately；
another customer came in； and obliged him to put his hands to
peaceable and proper use。？
〃Quite a bundle of all…sorts on the opposite counter there；〃 I
said to the woman； as I paid her for the candles。
〃Yes； and all hoarded up for sale by a poor creature with a lazy
brute of a husband； who lets his wife do all the work while he
spends all the money；〃 answered the woman； with a malicious look
at the man by her side。
〃He can't surely have much money to spend； if his wife has no
better work to do than picking up rags；〃 said I。
〃It isn't her fault if she hasn't got no better；〃 says the woman；
rather angrily。 〃She's ready to turn her hand to anything。
Charing； washing； laying…out； keeping empty housesnothing comes
amiss to her。 She's my half…sister； and I think I ought to know。〃
〃Did you say she went out charing？〃 I asked； making believe as if
I knew of somebody who might employ her。
〃Yes； of course I did；〃 answered the woman； 〃and if you can put a
job into her hands； you'll be doing a good turn to a poor
hard…working creature as wants it。 She lives down the Mews here
to the rightname of Horlick； and as honest a woman as ever
stood in shoe…leather。 Now； then； ma'am； what for you？〃
Another customer came in just then； and occupied her attention。 I
left the shop； passed the turning that led down to the Mews；
looked up at the name of the street； so as to know how to find it
again； and then ran home as fast as I could。 Perhaps it was the
remembrance of my strange dream striking me on a sudden； or
perhaps it was the shock of the discovery I had just made； but I
began to feel frightened without knowing why； and anxious to be
under shelter in my own room。
It Robert should come back！ Oh； what a relief and help it would
be now if Robert should come back！
May 1st。 On getting indoors last night； the first thing I did；
after striking a light； was to take the ragged cravat off the
candles； and smooth it out on the table。 I then took the end that
had been in poor Mary's hand out of my writing…desk； and smoothed
that out too。 It matched the torn side of the cravat exactly。 I
put them together； and satisfied myself that there was not a
doubt of it。
Not once did I close my eyes that night。 A kind of fever got
possession of mea vehement yearning to go on from this first
discovery and find out more； no matter what the risk might be。
The cravat now really became； to my mind； the clew that I thought
I saw in my dreamthe clew that I was resolved to follow。 I
determined to go to Mrs。 Horlick this evening on my return from
work。
I found the Mews easily。 A crook…backed dwarf of a man was
lounging at the corner of it smoking his pipe。 Not liking his
looks； I did not inquire of him where Mrs。 Horlick lived； but
went down the Mews till I met wit