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thy rude and unseasonable inquiries。 We nevertheless； for your
unhallowed intrusion upon our councils； believe it our duty to mulct
thee and thy companion in each a gallon of Black Strap having
imbibed which to the prosperity of our kingdom at a single draught
and upon your bended knees ye shall be forthwith free either to
proceed upon your way； or remain and be admitted to the privileges of
our table； according to your respective and individual pleasures。〃
〃It would be a matter of utter impossibility；〃 replied Legs； whom the
assumptions and dignity of King Pest the First had evidently inspired
some feelings of respect； and who arose and steadied himself by the
table as he spoke 〃It would； please your majesty； be a matter of
utter impossibility to stow away in my hold even one…fourth part of
the same liquor which your majesty has just mentioned。 To say nothing
of the stuffs placed on board in the forenoon by way of ballast； and
not to mention the various ales and liqueurs shipped this evening at
different sea…ports； I have； at present； a full cargo of 'humming
stuff' taken in and duly paid for at the sign of the 'Jolly Tar。' You
will； therefore； please your majesty； be so good as to take the will
for the deed for by no manner of means either can I or will I
swallow another drop least of all a drop of that villainous
bilge…water that answers to the hall of 'Black Strap。'〃
〃Belay that！〃 interrupted Tarpaulin； astonished not more at the
length of his companion's speech than at the nature of his refusal
〃Belay that you tubber！ and I say； Legs； none of your palaver！ My
hull is still light； although I confess you yourself seem to be a
little top…heavy； and as for the matter of your share of the cargo；
why rather than raise a squall I would find stowageroom for it
myself； but〃
〃This proceeding；〃 interposed the president； 〃is by no means in
accordance with the terms of the mulct or sentence； which is in its
nature Median； and not to be altered or recalled。 The conditions we
have imposed must be fulfilled to the letter； and that without a
moment's hesitation in failure of which fulfilment we decree that
you do here be tied neck and heels together； and duly drowned as
rebels in yon hogshead of October beer！〃
〃A sentence！ a sentence！ a righteous and just sentence！ a
glorious decree！ a most worthy and upright； and holy
condemnation！〃 shouted the Pest family altogether。 The king elevated
his forehead into innumerable wrinkles； the gouty little old man
puffed like a pair of bellows； the lady of the winding sheet waved
her nose to and fro； the gentleman in the cotton drawers pricked up
his ears； she of the shroud gasped like a dying fish； and he of the
coffin looked stiff and rolled up his eyes。
〃Ugh！ ugh！ ugh！〃 chuckled Tarpaulin without heeding the general
excitation； 〃ugh！ ugh！ ugh！ ugh！ ugh！ ugh！ ugh！ ugh！ ugh！ I
was saying；〃 said he； 〃I was saying when Mr。 King Pest poked in his
marlin…spike； that as for the matter of two or three gallons more or
less of Black Strap； it was a trifle to a tight sea…boat like myself
not overstowed but when it comes to drinking the health of the
Devil （whom God assoilzie） and going down upon my marrow bones to his
ill…favored majesty there； whom I know； as well as I know myself to
be a sinner； to be nobody in the whole world； but Tim Hurlygurly the
stage…player why！ it's quite another guess sort of a thing； and
utterly and altogether past my comprehension。〃
He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity。 At the name
Tim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name seats。
〃Treason！〃 shouted his Majesty King Pest the First。
〃Treason！〃 said the little man with the gout。
〃Treason！〃 screamed the Arch Duchess Ana…Pest。
〃Treason！〃 muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up。
〃Treason！〃 growled he of the coffin。
〃Treason！ treason！〃 shrieked her majesty of the mouth； and； seizing
by the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin； who had
just commenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur； she lifted
him high into the air； and let him fall without ceremony into the
huge open puncheon of his beloved ale。 Bobbing up and down； for a few
seconds； like an apple in a bowl of toddy； he； at length； finally
disappeared amid the whirlpool of foam which； in the already
effervescent liquor； his struggles easily succeeded in creating。
Not tamely； however； did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture of
his companion。 Jostling King Pest through the open trap； the valiant
Legs slammed the door down upon him with an oath； and strode towards
the centre of the room。 Here tearing down the skeleton which swung
over the table； he laid it about him with so much energy and good
will； that； as the last glimpses of light died away within the
apartment； he succeeded in knocking out the brains of the little
gentleman with the gout。 Rushing then with all his force against the
fatal hogshead full of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin； he rolled it
over and over in an instant。 Out burst a deluge of liquor so fierce
so impetuous so overwhelming that the room was flooded from
wall to wall the loaded table was overturned the tressels were
thrown upon their backs the tub of punch into the fire…place
and the ladies into hysterics。 Piles of death…furniture floundered
about。 Jugs； pitchers； and carboys mingled promiscuously in the
melee； and wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles of
junk。 The man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot…the little
stiff gentleman floated off in his coffin and the victorious Legs；
seizing by the waist the fat lady in the shroud； rushed out with her
into the street； and made a bee…line for the 〃Free and Easy；〃
followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh Tarpaulin； who；
having sneezed three or four times； panted and puffed after him with
the Arch Duchess Ana…Pest。
~~~ End of Text ~~~
THREE SUNDAYS IN A WEEK
YOU hard…headed； dunder…headed； obstinate； rusty； crusty； musty；
fusty； old savage！〃 said I； in fancy； one afternoon； to my grand
uncle Rumgudgeon shaking my fist at him in imagination。
Only in imagination。 The fact is； some trivial discrepancy did exist；
just then； between what I said and what I had not the courage to say
between what I did and what I had half a mind to do。
The old porpoise； as I opened the drawing…room door； was sitting with
his feet upon the mantel…piece； and a bumper of port in his paw；
making strenuous efforts to accomplish the ditty。
Remplis ton verre vide！
Vide ton verre plein！
〃My dear uncle；〃 said I； closing the door gently； and approaching him
with the blandest of smiles； 〃you are always so very kind and
considerate； and have evinced your benevolence in so many so very
many ways that that I feel I have only to suggest this little
point to you once more to make sure of your full acquiescence。〃
〃Hem！〃 said he； 〃good boy！ go on！〃
〃I am sure； my dearest uncle ＇you confounded old rascal！＇； that you
have no design really； seriously； to oppose my union with Kate。 This
is merely a joke of yours； I know ha！ ha！ ha！ how very pleasant
you are at times。〃
〃Ha！