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The event has proved； that I was a cunning fool； providing with
great circumspection for a possible opportunity of making myself
contemptible and wretched for ever。 At last； however； my
resolution was taken； and I had determined； as soon as I could
engage her alone； to justify the attentions I had so invariably paid
her； and openly assure her of an affection which I had already
taken such pains to display。 But in the interim—in the interim of
the very few hours that were to pass； before I could have an
opportunity of speaking with her in private—a circumstance
occurred—an unlucky circumstance； to ruin all my resolution； and
with it all my comfort。 A discovery took place；”—here he hesitated
and looked down。—“Mrs。 Smith had somehow or other been
informed； I imagine by some distant relation； whose interest it was
to deprive me of her favour； of an affair； a connection—but I need
not explain myself farther；” he added； looking at her with an
heightened colour and an inquiring eye—“your particular
intimacy—you have probably heard the whole story long ago。”
“I have；” returned Elinor； colouring likewise； and hardening
her heart anew against any compassion for him； “I have heard it
all。 And how you will explain away any part of your guilt in that
dreadful business； I confess is beyond my comprehension。”
“Remember；” cried Willoughby； “from whom you received the
account。 Could it be an impartial one？ I acknowledge that her
situation and her character ought to have been respected by me。 I
do not mean to justify myself； but at the same time cannot leave
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you to suppose that I have nothing to urge—that because she was
injured she was irreproachable； and because I was a libertine； she
must be a saint。 If the violence of her passions； the weakness of
her understanding—I do not mean； however； to defend myself。
Her affection for me deserved better treatment； and I often； with
great self…reproach； recall the tenderness which； for a very short
time； had the power of creating any return。 I wish—I heartily wish
it had never been。 But I have injured more than herself； and I
have injured one； whose affection for me—（may I say it？） was
scarcely less warm than hers； and whose mind—Oh！ how infinitely
superior！”—
“Your indifference； however； towards that unfortunate girl—I
must say it； unpleasant to me as the discussion of such a subject
may well be—your indifference is no apology for your cruel
neglect of her。 Do not think yourself excused by any weakness； any
natural defect of understanding on her side； in the wanton cruelty
so evident on yours。 You must have known； that while you were
enjoying yourself in Devonshire pursuing fresh schemes； always
gay； always happy； she was reduced to the extremest indigence。”
“But； upon my soul； I did not know it；” he warmly replied； “I
did not recollect that I had omitted to give her my direction； and
common sense might have told her how to find it out。”
“Well； sir； and what said Mrs。 Smith？”
“She taxed me with the offence at once； and my confusion may
be guessed。 The purity of her life； the formality of her notions； her
ignorance of the world—every thing was against me。 The matter
itself I could not deny； and vain was every endeavour to soften it。
She was previously disposed； I believe； to doubt the morality of my
conduct in general； and was moreover discontented with the very
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little attention； the very little portion of my time that I had
bestowed on her； in my present visit。 In short； it ended in a total
breach。 By one measure I might have saved myself。 In the height
of her morality； good woman！ she offered to forgive the past； if I
would marry Eliza。 That could not be—and I was formally
dismissed from her favour and her house。 The night following this
affair—I was to go the next morning—was spent by me in
deliberating on what my future conduct should be。 The struggle
was great—but it ended too soon。 My affection for Marianne； my
thorough conviction of her attachment to me—it was all
insufficient to outweigh that dread of poverty； or get the better of
those false ideas of the necessity of riches； which I was naturally
inclined to feel； and expensive society had increased。 I had reason
to believe myself secure of my present wife； if I chose to address
her； and I persuaded myself to think that nothing else in common
prudence remained for me to do。 A heavy scene however awaited
me； before I could leave Devonshire；—I was engaged to dine with
you on that very day； some apology was therefore necessary for
my breaking this engagement。 But whether I should write this
apology； or deliver it in person； was a point of long debate。 To see
Marianne； I felt； would be dreadful； and I even doubted whether I
could see her again； and keep to my resolution。 In that point；
however； I undervalued my own magnanimity； as the event
declared； for I went； I saw her； and saw her miserable； and left her
miserable—and left her hoping never to see her again。”
“Why did you call； Mr。 Willoughby？” said Elinor； reproachfully；
“a note would have answered every purpose。—Why was it
necessary to call？”
“It was necessary to my own pride。 I could not bear to leave the
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country in a manner that might lead you； or the rest of the
neighbourhood； to suspect any part of what had really passed
between Mrs。 Smith and myself—and I resolved therefore on
calling at the cottage； in my way to Honito