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〃As for you； mother； I don't dare to speak；〃 he went on； as though
repeating a lesson learned by heart。 〃It is only to…day that I have
been able to realise a little how distressed you must have been here
yesterday； waiting for me to come back。〃
When he had said this； he suddenly held out his hand to his
sister； smiling without a word。 But in this smile there was a flash of
real unfeigned feeling。 Dounia caught it at once； and warmly pressed
his hand； overjoyed and thankful。 It was the first time he had
addressed her since their dispute the previous day。 The mother's
face lighted up with ecstatic happiness at the sight of this
conclusive unspoken reconciliation。 〃Yes； that is what I love him
for；〃 Razumihin； exaggerating it all； muttered to himself； with a
vigorous turn in his chair。 〃He has these movements。〃
〃And how well he does it all；〃 the mother was thinking to herself。
〃What generous impulses he has； and how simply； how delicately he
put an end to all the misunderstanding with his sister… simply by
holding out his hand at the right minute and looking at her like
that。。。。 And what fine eyes he has； and how fine his whole face is！。。。
He is even better looking than Dounia。。。。 But； good heavens； what a
suit… how terribly he's dressed！。。。 Vasya； the messenger boy in
Afanasy Ivanitch's shop； is better dressed！ I could rush at him and
hug him。。。 weep over him… but I am afraid。。。。 Oh； dear； he's so
strange！ He's talking kindly； but I'm afraid！ Why； what am I afraid
of？。。。〃
〃Oh； Rodya； you wouldn't believe；〃 she began suddenly； in haste to
answer his words to her； 〃how unhappy Dounia and I were yesterday！ Now
that it's all over and done with and we are quite happy again… I can
tell you。 Fancy； we ran here almost straight from the train to embrace
you and that woman… ah； here she is！ Good morning； Nastasya！。。。 She
told us at once that you were lying in a high fever and had just run
away from the doctor in delirium； and they were looking for you in the
streets。 You can't imagine how we felt！ I couldn't help thinking of
the tragic end of Lieutenant Potanchikov； a friend of your father's…
you can't remember him； Rodya… who ran out in the same way in a high
fever and fell into the well in the courtyard and they couldn't pull
him out till next day。 Of course； we exaggerated things。 We were on
the point of rushing to find Pyotr Petrovitch to ask him to help。。。。
Because we were alone； utterly alone；〃 she said plaintively and
stopped short； suddenly； recollecting it was still somewhat
dangerous to speak of Pyotr Petrovitch； although 〃we are quite happy
again。〃
〃Yes； yes。。。。 Of course it's very annoying。。。。〃 Raskolnikov muttered
in reply； but with such a preoccupied and inattentive air that
Dounia gazed at him in perplexity。
〃What else was it I wanted to say；〃 he went on trying to
recollect。 〃Oh； yes； mother； and you too； Dounia； please don't think
that I didn't mean to come and see you to…day and was waiting for
you to come first。〃
〃What are you saying； Rodya？〃 cried Pulcheria Alexandrovna。 She；
too； was surprised。
〃Is he answering us as a duty？〃 Dounia wondered。 〃Is he being
reconciled and asking forgiveness as though he were performing a
rite or repeating a lesson？〃
〃I've only just waked up； and wanted to go to you； but was delayed
owing to my clothes； I forgot yesterday to ask her。。。 Nastasya。。。 to
wash out the blood。。。 I've only just dressed。〃
〃Blood！ What blood？〃 Pulcheria Alexandrovna asked in alarm。
〃Oh； nothing… don't be uneasy。 It was when I was wandering about
yesterday； rather delirious； I chanced upon a man who had been run
over。。。 a clerk。。。〃
〃Delirious？ But you remember everything！〃 Razumihin interrupted。
〃That's true；〃 Raskolnikov answered with special carefulness。 〃I
remember everything even to the slightest detail； and yet… why I did
that and went there and said that； I can't clearly explain now。〃
〃A familiar phenomenon；〃 interposed Zossimov； 〃actions are sometimes
performed in a masterly and most cunning way； while the direction of
the actions is deranged and dependent on various morbid impressions…
it's like a dream。〃
〃Perhaps it's a good thing really that he should think me almost a
madman；〃 thought Raskolnikov。
〃Why； people in perfect health act in the same way too；〃 observed
Dounia； looking uneasily at Zossimov。
〃There is some truth in your observation；〃 the latter replied。 〃In
that sense we are certainly all not infrequently like madmen； but with
the slight difference that the deranged are somewhat madder； for we
must draw a line。 A normal man； it is true； hardly exists。 Among
dozens… perhaps hundreds of thousands… hardly one is to be met with。〃
At the word 〃madman；〃 carelessly dropped by Zossimov in his
chatter on his favourite subject； every one frowned。
Raskolnikov sat seeming not to pay attention； plunged in thought
with a strange smile on his pale lips。 He was still meditating on
something。
〃Well； what about the man who was run over？ I interrupted you！〃
Razumihin cried hastily。
〃What？〃 Raskolnikov seemed to wake up。 〃Oh。。。 I got spattered with
blood helping to carry him to his lodging。 By the way； mamma； I did an
unpardonable thing yesterday。 I was literally out of my mind。 I gave
away all the money you sent me。。。 to his wife for the funeral。 She's a
widow now； in consumption； a poor creature。。。 three little children；
starving。。。 nothing in the house。。。 there's a daughter； too。。。 perhaps
you'd have given it yourself if you'd seen them。 But I had no right to
do it I admit； especially as I knew how you needed the money yourself。
To help others one must have the right to do it； or else Crevez；
chiens； si vou