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after all； it may be the fear of forgetting something which I
ought to remember that keeps this story of Midwinter's weighing
as it does on my mind。 At any rate； the experiment is worth
trying。 In my present situation I _must_ be free to think of
other things； or I shall never find my way through all the
difficulties at Thorpe Ambrose that are still to come。
〃Let me think。 What _haunts_ me； to begin with？
〃The Names haunt me。 I keep saying and saying to myself： Both
alike！Christian name and surname both alike！ A light…haired
Allan Armadale； whom I have long since known of； and who is the
son of my old mistress。 A dark…haired Allan Armadale； whom I only
know of now； and who is only known to others under the name of
Ozias Midwinter。 Stranger still； it is not relationship； it is
not chance； that has made them namesakes。 The father of the light
Armadale was the man who was _born_ to the family name； and who
lost the family inheritance。 The father of the dark Armadale was
the man who _took_ the name； on condition of getting the
inheritanceand who got it。
〃So there are two of themI can't help thinking of itboth
unmarried。 The light…haired Armadale； who offers to the woman who
can secure him； eight thousand a year while he lives； who leaves
her twelve hundred a year when he dies； who must and shall marry
me for those two golden reasons； and whom I hate and loathe as I
never hated and loathed a man yet。 And the dark…haired Armadale；
who has a poor little income； which might perhaps pay his wife's
milliner； if his wife was careful； who has just left me；
persuaded that I mean to marry him； and whomwell； whom I
_might_ have loved once； before I was the woman I am now。
〃And Allan the Fair doesn't know he has a namesake。 And Allan the
Dark has kept the secret from everybody but the Somersetshire
clergyman （whose discretion he can depend on） and myself。
〃And there are two Allan Armadalestwo Allan Armadalestwo
Allan Armadales。 There！ three is a lucky number。 Haunt me again；
after that； if you can！
〃What next？ The murder in the timber ship？ No； the murder is a
good reason why the dark Armadale； whose father committed it；
should keep his secret from the fair Armadale； whose father was
killed； but it doesn't concern _me。_ I remember there was a
suspicion in Madeira at the time of something wrong。 _Was_ it
wrong？ Was the man who had been tricked out of his wife to blame
for shutting the cabin door； and leaving the man who had tricked
him to drown in the wreck？ Yes； the woman wasn't worth it。
〃What am I sure of that really concerns myself？
〃I am sure of one very important thing。 I am sure that
MidwinterI must call him by his ugly false name； or I may
confuse the two Armadales before I have doneI am sure that
Midwinter is perfectly ignorant that I and the little imp of
twelve years old who waited o n Mrs。 Armadale in Madeira； and
copied the letters that were supposed to arrive from the West
Indies； are one and the same。 There are not many girls of twelve
who could have imitated a man's handwriting； and held their
tongues about it afterward； as I did； but that doesn't matter
now。 What does matter is that Midwinter's belief in the Dream is
Midwinter's only reason for trying to connect me with Allan
Armadale； by associating me with Allan Armadale's father and
mother。 I asked him if he actually thought me old enough to have
known either of them。 And he said No； poor fellow； in the most
innocent； bewildered way。 Would he say No if he saw me now？ Shall
I turn to the glass and see if I look my five…and…thirty years？
or shall I go on writing？ I will go on writing。
〃There is one thing more that haunts me almost as obstinately as
the Names。
〃I wonder whether I am right in relying on Midwinter'
superstition （as I do） to help me in keeping him at arms…length。
After having let the excitement of the moment hurry me into
saying more than I need have said； he is certain to press me； he
is certain to come back； with a man's hateful selfishness and
impatience in such things； to the question of marrying me。 Will
the Dream help me to check him？ After alternately believing and
disbelieving in it； he has got； by his own confession； to
believing in it again。 Can I say I believe in it； too？ I have
better reasons for doing so than he knows of。 I am not only the
person who helped Mrs。 Armadale's marriage by helping her to
impose on her own father： I am the woman who tried to drown
herself； the woman who started the series of accidents which put
young Armadale in possession of his fortune； the woman who has
come Thorpe Ambrose to marry him for his fortune； now he has got
it； and more extraordinary still； the woman who stood in the
Shadow's place at the pool！ These may be coincidences； but they
are strange coincidences。 I declare I begin to fancy that _I_
believe in the Dream too！
〃Suppose I say to him； 'I think as you think。 I say what you said
in your letter to me； Let us part before the harm is done。 Leave
me before the Third Vision of the Dream comes true。 Leave me； and
put the mountains and the seas between you and the man who bears
your name！'
〃Suppose； on the other side； that his love for me makes him
reckless of everything else？ Suppose he says those desperate
words again； which I understand now： What _is_ to be； _will_ be。
What have I to do with it； and what has she？' Supposesuppose
〃I won't write any more。 I hate writing。 It doesn't relieve
meit makes me worse。 I'm further from being able to think of
all that I _must_ think of than I was when I sat down。 It is past
midnight。 To…morrow has come already； and here I am as helpless
as the stupidest woman living！ Bed is the only fit place for me。
〃Bed？ If it was ten years since； instead of to…day； and if I had
married Midwinter for love； I might be going to bed now with
nothing heavier on my mind than a visit on tiptoe to the nursery；
and a last look at night to see if my children were sleeping
quietly in their cribs。 I wonder whether I should have loved my
children if I had ever had any？ Perhaps； yesperhaps； no。 It
doesn't matter。
〃Tuesday morning； ten o'clock。Who was the man who invented
laudanum？ I thank him from the bottom of my heart whoever he was。
If all the miserable wretches in pain of body and mind； whose
comforter he has been； could meet together to sing his praises；
what a chorus it would be！ I have had six delicious hours of
oblivion； I have woke up with my mind composed； I have written a
perfect little letter to Midwinter； I have drunk my nice cup of
tea； with a real relish of it； I have dawdled over my morning
toilet with an exquisite sense of reliefand all through the
modest little bottle of Drops； which I see on my bedroom
chimney…piece at this moment。 'Drops；' you are a darling！ If I
love nothing else； I love _you。_
〃My letter to Midwinter has been sent through the post； and I
have told him to reply to me in the same manner。
〃I feel no anxiety about his answerhe can only answer in one
way。 I have asked for a little time to consider； because my
family circumstances require some consideration； in his interests
as well as in mine。 I have engaged to tell him