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say。 Pure fancy； perhaps； at the present moment。 I don't care； I
shall act on instinct （as they say）； and give up the dress。 In
plainer words still； I won't go back。
〃Midnight。Midwinter came to see me as he promised。 An hour has
passed since we said good…night； and here I still sit； with my
pen in my hand； thinking of him。 No words of mine can describe
what has passed between us。 The end of it is all I can write in
these pages； and the end of it is that he has shaken my
resolution。 For the first time since I saw the easy way to
Armadale's life at Thorpe Ambrose； I feel as if the man whom I
have doomed in my own thoughts had a chance of escaping me。
〃Is it my love for Midwinter that has altered me？ Or is it _his_
love for _me_ that has taken possession not only of all I wish to
give him； but of all I wish to keep from him as well？ I feel as
if I had lost myselflost myself； I mean； in _him_all through
the evening。 He was in great agitation about what had happened in
Somersetshire； and he made me feel as disheartened and as
wretched about it as he did。 Though he never confessed it in
words； I know that Mr。 Brock's death has startled him as an ill
omen for our marriageI know it； because I feel Mr。 Brock's
death as an ill omen too。 The superstition_his_
superstitiontook so strong a hold on me； that when we grew
calmer and he spoke of time futurewhen he told me that he must
either break his engagement with his new employers or go abroad；
as he is pledged to go； on Monday nextI actually shrank at the
thought of our marriage following close on Mr。 Brock's funeral； I
actually said to him； in the impulse of the moment； 'Go； and
begin your new life alone！ go； and leave me here to wait for
happier times。'
〃He took me in his arms。 He sighed； and kissed me with an angelic
tenderness。 He saidoh； so softly and so sadly！I have no life
now； apart from _you。_' As those words passed his lips； the
thought seemed to rise in my mind like an echo； 'Why not live out
all the days that are left to me； happy and harmless in a love
like this！' I can't explain itI can't realize it。 That was the
thought in me at the time； and that is the thought in me still。 I
see my own hand while I write the wordsand I ask myself whether
it is really the hand of Lydia Gwilt！
〃Armadale
〃No！ I will never write； I will never think of Armadale again。
〃Yes！ Let me write once morelet me think once more of him；
because it quiets me to know that he is going away； and that the
sea will have parted us before I am married。 His old home is home
to him no longer； now that the loss of his mother has been
followed by the loss of his best and earliest friend。 When the
funeral is over； he has decided to sail the same day for the
foreign seas。 We may； or we may not； meet at Naples。 Shall I be
an altered woman if we do？ I wonder； I wonder！
〃August 8th。A line from Midwinter。 He has gone back to
Somersetshire to be in readiness for the funeral to…morrow； and
he will return here （after bidding Armadale good…by） to…morrow
evening。
〃The last forms and ceremonies preliminary to our marriage have
been complied with。 I am to be his wife on Monday next。 The hour
must not be later than half…past tenwhich will give us just
time； when the service is over； to get from the church door to
the railway； and to start on our journey to Naples the same day。
〃To…daySaturdaySunday！ I am not afraid of the time； the time
will pass。 I am not afraid of myself； if I can only keep all
thoughts but one out of my mind。 I love him！ Day and night； till
Monday comes； I will think of nothing but that。 I love him！
〃Four o'clock。Other thoughts are forced into my mind in spite
of me。 My suspicions of yesterday were no mere fancies； the
milliner has been tampered with。 My folly in going back to her
house has led to my being traced here。 I am absolutely certain
that I never gave the woman my address； and yet my new gown was
sent home to me at two o'clock to…day！
〃A man brought it with the bill； and a civil message； to say
that； as I had not called at the appointed time to try it on
again； the dress had been finished and sent to me。 He caught me
in the passage； I had no choice but to pay the bill； and dismiss
him。 Any other proceeding； as events have now turned out； would
have been pure folly。 The messenger （not the man who followed me
in the st reet； but another spy sent to look at me； beyond all
doubt） would have declared he knew nothing about it； if I had
spoken to him。 The milliner would tell me to my face； if I went
to her； that I had given her my address。 The one useful thing to
do now is to set my wits to work in the interests of my own
security； and to step out of the false position in which my own
rashness has placed meif I can。
〃Seven o'clock。My spirits have risen again。 I believe I am in a
fair way of extricating myself already。
〃I have just come back from a long round in a cab。 First； to the
cloak…room of the Great Western； to get the luggage which I sent
there from All Saints' Terrace。 Next； to the cloak…room of the
Southeastern； to leave my luggage （labeled in Midwinter's name）；
to wait for me till the starting of the tidal train on Monday。
Next； to the General Post…office； to post a letter to Midwinter
at the rectory； which he will receive to…morrow morning。 Lastly；
back again to this housefrom which I shall move no more till
Monday comes。
〃My letter to Midwinter will； I have little doubt； lead to his
seconding （quite innocently） the precautions that I am taking for
my own safety。 The shortness of the time at our disposal on
Monday will oblige him to pay his bill at the hotel and to remove
his luggage before the marriage ceremony takes place。 All I ask
him to do beyond this is to take the luggage himself to the
Southeastern （so as to make any inquiries useless which may
address themselves to the servants at the hotel）and； that done；
to meet me at the church door； instead of calling for me here。
The rest concerns nobody but myself。 When Sunday night or Monday
morning comes； it will be hard； indeedfreed as I am now from
all incumbrancesif I can't give the people who are watching me
the slip for the second time。
〃It seems needless enough to have written to Midwinter to…day；
when he is coming back to me to…morrow night。 But it was
impossible to ask； what I have been obliged to ask of him；
without making my false family circumstances once more the
excuse； and having this to doI must own the truthI wrote to
him because； after what I suffered on the last occasion； I can
never again deceive him to his face。
〃August 9th。Two o'clock。I rose early this morning； more
depressed in spirits than usual。 The re…beginning of one's life；
at the re…beginning of every day； has already been something
weary and hopeless to me for years past。 I dreamed； too； all
through the nightnot of Midwinter and of my married life； as I
had hoped to dreambut of the wretched conspiracy to discover
me； by which I have been driven from one place to another； like a
hunted animal。 Nothing in the shape of a new revelation
enlightened me in my sleep。 All I could guess dreaming was what I
had guessed waki