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stuck a pickle…fork into his right eye； and on removing the fork
the eye came with it。 In buying spectacles the needless outlay for
the right lens soon reduced him to poverty； and the Man to Whom
Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a
wharf。
The Moral Sentiment
A PUGILIST met the Moral Sentiment of the Community； who was
carrying a hat…box。 〃What have you in the hat…box； my friend？〃
inquired the Pugilist。
〃A new frown；〃 was the answer。 〃I am bringing it from the frownery
… the one over there with the gilded steeple。〃
〃And what are you going to do with the nice new frown？〃 the
Pugilist asked。
〃Put down pugilism … if I have to wear it night and day；〃 said the
Moral Sentiment of the Community； sternly。
〃That's right；〃 said the Pugilist； 〃that is right； my good friend；
if pugilism had been put down yesterday； I wouldn't have this kind
of Nose to…day。 I had a rattling hot fight last evening with … 〃
〃Is that so？〃 cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community； with
sudden animation。 〃Which licked？ Sit down here on the hat…box and
tell me all about it！〃
The Politicians
AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a
beautiful country； by the dusty highway which leads to the City of
Prosperous Obscurity。 Lured by the flowers and the shade and
charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and
green fields； his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and
glittering palaces in the distance on either hand； the Young
Politician said：
〃Let us； I beseech thee； turn aside from this comfortless road
leading； thou knowest whither； but not I。 Let us turn our backs
upon duty and abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages
which beckon from every grove and call to us from every shining
hill。 Let us； if so thou wilt； follow this beautiful path； which；
as thou seest； hath a guide…board saying； 'Turn in here all ye who
seek the Palace of Political Distinction。'〃
〃It is a beautiful path； my son；〃 said the Old Politician； without
either slackening his pace or turning his head； 〃and it leadeth
among pleasant scenes。 But the search for the Palace of Political
Distinction is beset with one mighty peril。〃
〃What is that？〃 said the Young Politician。
〃The peril of finding it；〃 the Old Politician replied； pushing on。
The Thoughtful Warden
THE Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors
of all the cells when a mechanic said to him：
〃Those locks can all be opened from the inside … you are very
imprudent。〃
The Warden did not look up from his work； but said：
〃If that is called imprudence； I wonder what would be called a
thoughtful provision against the vicissitudes of fortune。〃
The Treasury and the Arms
A PUBLIC Treasury； feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents；
exclaimed：
〃Mr。 Shareman； I move for a division。〃
〃You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech；〃
said the Two Arms。
〃Yes；〃 replied the Public Treasury； 〃I am familiar with the hauls
of legislation。〃
The Christian Serpent
A RATTLESNAKE came home to his brood and said： 〃My children； gather
about and receive your father's last blessing； and see how a
Christian dies。〃
〃What ails you； Father？〃 asked the Small Snakes。
〃I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal；〃 was the
reply； accompanied by the ominous death…rattle。
The Broom of the Temple
THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of
the province of Ukwuk； the Wampog issued a proclamation convening
all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise
means of defence。 The first speaker thought the best policy would
be to offer a fried jackass to the gods。 The second suggested a
public procession； headed by the Wampog himself； bearing the Holy
Poker on a cushion of cloth…of…brass。 Another thought that a
scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a
suitable incantation chanted over the remains。 The advice of the
fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of
dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg。 When
all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said：
〃High and mighty Wampog and fellow…citizens； I have listened
attentively to all the plans proposed。 All seem wise； and I do not
suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be efficacious。
Nevertheless； I cannot help thinking that if we would put an
improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water； construct
shallower roadways； groom the street cows； offer the stranger
within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion；
and relinquish our private system of morals； the other measures of
public safety would be needless。〃
The Aged Man was about to speak further； but the meeting informally
adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple … for the men
of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province。 The
last speaker was the broom。
The Critics
WHILE bathing； Antinous was seen by Minerva； who was so enamoured
of his beauty that； all armed as she happened to be； she descended
from Olympus to woo him； but； unluckily displaying her shield； with
the head of Medusa on it； she had the unhappiness to see the
beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it。 She
straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him； but before this
could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied
him。
〃This is a very bad Apollo；〃 said the Sculptor： 〃the chest is too
narrow； and one arm is at least a half…inch shorter than the other。
The attitude is unnatural； and I may say impossible。 Ah！ my
friend； you should see my statue of Antinous。〃
〃In my judgment； the figure；〃 said the Critic； 〃is tolerably good；
though rather Etrurian； but the expression of the face is decidedly
Tuscan； and therefore false to nature。 By the way； have you read
my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'？〃
The Foolish Woman
A MARRIED Woman； whose lover was about to reform by running away；
procured a pistol and shot him dead。
〃Why did you do that； Madam？〃 inquired a Policeman； sauntering by。
〃Because；〃 replied the Married Woman； 〃he was a wicked man； and had
purchased a ticket to Chicago。〃
〃My sister；〃 said an adjacent Man of