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hundred； after which； speaking at the rate of three words a minute； he
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
fancies you 〃couldn't do better than〃 Here he catches sight of another
idiot coming down the road and bawls out to him the particulars；
requesting his advice。 The two then argue the case for a quarter of an hour
or so； and finally agree that you had better go straight down the lane；
round to the right and cross by the third stile； and keep to the left by old
Jimmy Milcher's cow…shed； and across the seven…acre field； and through
the gate by Squire Grubbin's hay…stack； keeping the bridle…path for awhile
till you come opposite the hill where the windmill used to bebut it's gone
nowand round to the right； leaving Stiggin's plantation behind you； and
you say 〃Thank you〃 and go away with a splitting headache； but without
the faintest notion of your way； the only clear idea you have on the subject
being that somewhere or other there is a stile which has to be got over； and
at the next turn you come upon four stiles； all leading in different
directions！
We had undergone this ordeal two or three times。 We had tramped over
fields。 We had waded through brooks and scrambled over hedges and
walls。 We had had a row as to whose fault it was that we had first lost our
way。 We had got thoroughly disagreeable； footsore； and weary。 But
throughout it all the hope of that duck kept us up。 A fairy…like vision； it
floated before our tired eyes and drew us onward。 The thought of it was as
a trumpet…call to the fainting。 We talked of it and cheered each other with
our recollections of it。 〃Come along；〃 we said； 〃the duck will be spoiled。〃
We felt a strong temptation； at one point； to turn into a village inn as
we passed and have a cheese and a few loaves between us； but we
heroically restrained ourselves： we should enjoy the duck all the better for
being famished。
We fancied we smelled it when we go into the town and did the last
quarter of a mile in three minutes。 We rushed upstairs； and washed
ourselves； and changed our clothes； and came down； and pulled our chairs
up to the table； and sat and rubbed our hands while the landlady removed
the covers； when I seized the knife and fork and started to carve。
It seemed to want a lot of carving。 I struggled with it for about five
minutes without making the slightest impression； and then Joe； who had
been eating potatoes； wanted to know if it wouldn't be better for some one
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
to do the job that understood carving。 I took no notice of his foolish
remark； but attacked the bird again； and so vigorously this time that the
animal left the dish and took refuge in the fender。
We soon had it out of that； though； and I was prepared to make another
effort。 But Joe was getting unpleasant。 He said that if he had thought we
were to have a game of blind hockey with the dinner he would have got a
bit of bread and cheese outside。
I was too exhausted to argue。 I laid down the knife and fork with
dignity and took a side seat and Joe went for the wretched creature。 He
worked away in silence for awhile； and then he muttered 〃Damn the duck〃
and took his coat off。
We did break the thing up at length with the aid of a chisel； but it was
perfectly impossible to eat it； and we had to make a dinner off the
vegetables and an apple tart。 We tried a mouthful of the duck； but it was
like eating India…rubber。
It was a wicked sin to kill that drake。 But there！ there's no respect for
old institutions in this country。
I started this paper with the idea of writing about eating and drinking；
but I seem to have confined my remarks entirely to eating as yet。 Well；
you see； drinking is one of those subjects with which it is inadvisable to
appear too well acquainted。 The days are gone by when it was considered
manly to go to bed intoxicated every night； and a clear head and a firm
hand no longer draw down upon their owner the reproach of effeminacy。
On the contrary； in these sadly degenerate days an evil…smelling breath； a
blotchy face； a reeling gait； and a husky voice are regarded as the hall
marks of the cad rather than or the gentleman。
Even nowadays； though； the thirstiness of mankind is something
supernatural。 We are forever drinking on one excuse or another。 A man
never feels comfortable unless he has a glass before him。 We drink before
meals； and with meals； and after meals。 We drink when we meet a friend；
also when we part from a friend。 We drink when we are talking； when we
are reading； and when we are thinking。 We drink one another's healths and
spoil our own。 We drink the queen； and the army； and the ladies； and
everybody else that is drinkable； and I believe if the supply ran short we
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
should drink our mothers…in…law。
By the way； we never eat anybody's health； always drink it。 Why
should we not stand up now and then and eat a tart to somebody's success？
To me； I confess the constant necessity of drinking under which the
majority of men labor is quite unaccountable。 I can understand people
drinking to drown care or to drive away maddening thoughts well enough。
I can understand the ignorant masses loving to soak themselves in drink
oh； yes； it's very shocking that they should； of coursevery shocking to us
who live in cozy homes； with all the graces and pleasures of life around us；
that the dwellers in damp cellars and windy attics should creep from their
dens of misery into the warmth and glare of the public…house bar； and seek
to float for a brief space away from their dull world upon a Lethe stream
of gin。
But think； before you hold up your hands in horror at their ill…living；
what 〃life〃 for these wretched creatures really means。 Picture the squalid
misery of their brutish existence； dragged on from year to year in the
narrow； noisome room where； huddled like vermin in sewers； they welter；
and sicken； and sleep； where dirt…grimed children scream and fight and
sluttish；