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HANCE。
The dauntless lad could fairly hew A silken handkerchief in twain；
Divide a leg of mutton too … And this without unwholesome strain。
On whole half…sheep； with cunning trick； His sabre sometimes he'd
employ … No bar of lead； however thick； Had terrors for the stalwart boy。
At Dover daily he'd prepare To hew and slash； behind； before … Which
aggravated MONSIEUR PIERRE； Who watched him from the Calais
shore。
It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance； The sight annoyed and
vexed him so； He was the bravest man in France … He said so； and he
ought to know。
〃Regardez donc； ce cochon gros … Ce polisson！ Oh； sacre bleu！ Son
sabre； son plomb； et ses gigots Comme cela m'ennuye； enfin； mon Dieu！
〃Il sait que les foulards de soie Give no retaliating whack … Les gigots
morts n'ont pas de quoi … Le plomb don't ever hit you back。〃
But every day the headstrong lad Cut lead and mutton more and more；
And every day poor PIERRE； half mad； Shrieked loud defiance from his
shore。
HANCE had a mother； poor and old； A simple； harmless village dame；
Who crowed and clapped as people told Of WINTERBOTTOM'S rising
fame。
She said； 〃I'll be upon the spot To see my TOMMY'S sabre…play；〃 And
so she left her leafy cot； And walked to Dover in a day。
PIERRE had a doating mother； who Had heard of his defiant rage； HIS
Ma was nearly ninety…two； And rather dressy for her age。
At HANCE'S doings every morn； With sheer delight HIS mother cried；
And MONSIEUR PIERRE'S contemptuous scorn Filled HIS mamma with
26
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
But HANCE'S powers began to fail … His constitution was not strong And
PIERRE； who once was stout and hale； Grew thin from shouting all
day long。
Their mothers saw them pale and wan； Maternal anguish tore each
breast； And so they met to find a plan To set their offsprings' minds at rest。
Said MRS。 HANCE； 〃Of course I shrinks From bloodshed； ma'am； as
you're aware； But still they'd better meet； I thinks。〃 〃Assurement！〃 said
MADAME PIERRE。
A sunny spot in sunny France Was hit upon for this affair； The ground
was picked by MRS。 HANCE； The stakes were pitched by MADAME
PIERRE。
Said MRS。 H。； 〃Your work you see … Go in； my noble boy； and win。〃
〃En garde； mon fils！〃 said MADAME P。 〃Allons！〃 〃Go on！〃 〃En garde！〃
〃Begin！〃
（The mothers were of decent size； Though not particularly tall； But in
the sketch that meets your eyes I've been obliged to draw them small。）
Loud sneered the doughty man of France； 〃Ho！ ho！ Ho！ ho！ Ha！ ha！
Ha！ ha！ 〃The French for 'Pish'〃 said THOMAS HANCE。 Said PIERRE；
〃L'Anglais； Monsieur； pour 'Bah。'〃
Said MRS。 H。； 〃Come； one！ two！ three！ … We're sittin' here to see all
fair。〃 〃C'est magnifique！〃 said MADAME P。； 〃Mais； parbleu！ ce n'est pas
la guerre！〃
〃Je scorn un foe si lache que vous；〃 Said PIERRE； the doughty son of
France。 〃I fight not coward foe like you！〃 Said our undaunted TOMMY
HANCE。
〃The French for 'Pooh！'〃 our TOMMY cried。 〃L'Anglais pour 'Va！'〃 the
Frenchman crowed。 And so； with undiminished pride； Each went on his
respective road。
27
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
D
SUGAR BROKER。
A GENTLEMAN of City fame Now claims your kind attention； East
India broking was his game； His name I shall not mention： No one of
finely…pointed sense Would violate a confidence； And shall I go And do it？
No！ His name I shall not mention。
He had a trusty wife and true； And very cosy quarters； A manager； a
boy or two； Six clerks； and seven porters。 A broker must be doing well （As
any lunatic can tell） Who can employ An active boy； Six clerks； and seven
porters。
His knocker advertised no dun； No losses made him sulky； He had one
sorrow … only one … He was extremely bulky。 A man must be； I beg to state；
Exceptionally fortunate Who owns his chief And only grief Is … being very
bulky。
〃This load；〃 he'd say； 〃I cannot bear； I'm nineteen stone or twenty！
Henceforward I'll go in for air And exercise in plenty。〃 Most people think
that； should it come； They can reduce a bulging tum To measures fair By
taking air And exercise in plenty。
In every weather； every day； Dry； muddy； wet； or gritty； He took to
dancing all the way From Brompton to the City。 You do not often get the
chance Of seeing sugar brokers dance From their abode In Fulham Road
Through Brompton to the City。
He braved the gay and guileless laugh Of children with their nusses；
The loud uneducated chaff Of clerks on omnibuses。 Against all minor
things that rack A nicely…balanced mind； I'll back The noisy chaff And ill…
bred laugh Of clerks on omnibuses。
His friends； who heard his money chink； And saw the house he rented；
And knew his wife； could never think What made him discontented。 It
never entered their pure minds That fads are of eccentric kinds； Nor would
they own That fat alone Could make one discontented。
〃Your riches know no kind of pause； Your trade is fast advancing； You
28
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
His mania soon got noised about And into all the papers； His size
increased beyond a doubt For all his reckless capers： It may seem singular
to you； But all his friends admit it true … The more he found His figure
round； The more he cut his capers。
His bulk increased … no matter that … He tried the more to toss it … He
never spoke of it as 〃fat；〃 But 〃adipose deposit。〃 Upon my word； it seems
to me Unpardonable vanity （And worse than that） To call your fat An
〃adipose deposit。〃
At length his brawny knees gave way； And on the carpet sinking； Upon
his shapeless back he lay And kicked away like winking。 Instead of seeing
in his state The finger of unswerving Fate； He laboured still To work his
will； And kicked away like winking。
His friends； disgusted with him now； Away in silence wended … I
hardly like to tell you how This dreadful story ended。 The shocking sequel
to impart； I must employ the limner's art … If you would know； This sketch
will show How his exertions ended。
MORAL。
I hate to preach … I hate to prate … … I'm no fanatic croaker； But learn
contentment from the fate Of this East India broker。 He'd everything a man
of taste Could ever want； except a waist； And discontent His size anent；
And bootless perseverance blind； Completely wrecked the peace of mind
Of this East India broker。
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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense
E
〃SUPER〃 TO HIS MASK。
VAST empty shell！ Impertinent； preposterous abortion！ With vacant
stare； And ragged hair； And every feature out of all proportion！
Embodiment of echoing inanity！ Excellent type of simpering insanity！
Unwieldy； clumsy nightmare of humanity！ I ring thy knell！
To…night thou diest； Beast that destroy'st my heaven…born identity！
Nine weeks of nights； Before the lights； Swamped in thine own
prepost