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Nothing else will go into Eternity。'
In a moment of ambition； he had applied for the Readership of
Lincoln's Inn； but； owing chiefly to the hostile influence of the
Record； the appointment had gone elsewhere。 A little later； a
more important position was offered to him the office of sub…
almoner to the Queen； which had just been vacated by the
Archbishop of York； and was almost certain to lead to a mitre。
The offer threw Manning into an agony of self…examination。 He
drew up elaborate tables； after the manner of Robinson Crusoe；
with the reasons for and against his acceptance of the post：
FOR AGAINST1。 That it comes
unsought。 1。 Not therefore to be accepted。 Such
things are trials as well as
leadings。2。 That it is honourable。 2。 Being what I am； ought I
not therefore to decline it … （1）
as humiliation； （2） as revenge on
myself for Lincoln's Inn；
（3） as a testimony？
And so on。 He found in the end ten 'negative reasons'； with no
affirmative ones to balance them； and； after a week's
deliberation； he rejected the offer。
But peace of mind was as far off from him as ever。 First the
bitter thought came to him that 'in all this Satan tells me I am
doing it to be thought mortified and holy'； and then he was
obsessed by the still bitterer feelings of ineradicable
disappointment and regret。 He had lost a great opportunity； and
it brought him small comfort to consider that 'in the region of
counsels； self…chastisement； humiliation； self…discipline；
penance； and of the Cross'； he had perhaps done right。
The crisis passed； but it was succeeded by a fiercer one。 Manning
was taken seriously ill； and became convinced that he might die
at any moment。 The entries in his Diary grew more elaborate than
ever； his remorse for the past； his resolutions for the future；
his protestations of submission to the will of God； filled page
after page of parallel columns； headings and sub…headings；
numbered clauses； and analytical tables。 'How do I feel about
Death？' he wrote。 'Certainly great fear：
1。 Because of the uncertainty of our state before God。 2。 Because
of the consciousness…（1） of great sins past； （2） of great
sinfulness； （3） of most shallow repentance。 What shall I do？'
He decided to mortify himself； to read St Thomas Aquinas； and to
make his 'night prayers forty instead of thirty minutes'。 He
determined during Lent 'to use no pleasant bread （except on
Sundays and feasts） such as cake and sweetmeat'； but he added the
proviso 'I do not include plain biscuits'。 Opposite this entry
appears the word 'KEPT'。 And yet his backslidings were many。
Looking back over a single week； he was obliged to register
'petulance twice' and 'complacent visions'。 He heard his curate
being commended for bringing so many souls to God during Lent；
and he 'could not bear it'； but the remorse was terrible： 'I
abhorred myself on the spot； and looked upward for help。' He made
out list upon list of the Almighty's special mercies towards him；
and they included his creation； his regeneration； and （No。 5）
'the preservation of my life six times to my knowledge：
（1） In illness at the age of nine。 （2） In the water。 （3） By a
runaway horse at Oxford。 （4） By the same。 （5） By falling nearly
through the ceiling of a church。 （6） Again by a fall of a horse。
And I know not how often in shooting； riding； etc。'
At last he became convalescent； but the spiritual experiences of
those agitated weeks left an indelible mark upon his mind； and
prepared the way for the great change which was to follow。For he
had other doubts besides those which held him in torment as to
his own salvation； he was in doubt about the whole framework of
his faith。 Newman's conversion； he found； had meant something
more to him than he had first realised。 It had seemed to come as
a call to the redoubling of his Anglican activities； but
supposing； in reality； it were a call towards something very
differenttowards an abandonment of those activities altogether？
It might be 'a trial'； or again it might be a 'leading'； how was
he to judge？ Already； before his illness； these doubts had begun
to take possession of his mind。 'I am conscious to myself；' he
wrote in his Diary； 'of an extensively changed feeling towards
the Church of Rome 。。。 The Church of England seems to me to be
diseased： 1。 ORGANICALLY （six sub…headings）。 2。 FUNCTIONALLY
（seven subheadings） 。。。 Wherever it seems healthy； it
approximates the system of Rome。' Then thoughts of the Virgin
Mary suddenly began to assail him ：
'（1） If John the Baptist were sanctified from the womb；
how much more the B。V。！
（2） If Enoch and Elijah were exempted from death； why
not the B。V。 from sin？
（3） It is a strange way of loving the Son to slight the
mother！'
The arguments seemed irresistible； and a few weeks later the
following entry occurs 'Strange thoughts have visited me：
（1） I have felt that the Episcopate of the Church of England is
secularised and bound down beyond hope。。。。
（2） I feel as if a light had fallen upon me。 My feeling about the
Roman Church is not intellectual。 I have intellectual
difficulties； but the great moral difficulties seem melting。
（3） Something keeps rising and saying； 〃You will end in the Roman
Church〃。'
He noted altogether twenty…five of these 'strange thoughts'。 His
mind hovered anxiously round
'（1） The Incarnation； （2） The Real Presence； i。
Regeneration； ii。 Eucharist； and （3） The Exaltation of S。 M。
and Saints。'
His twenty…second strange thought was as follows： 'How do I know
where I may be two years hence？ Where was Newman five years ago？'
It was significant； but hardly surprising； that； after his
illness； Manning should have chosen to recuperate in Rome。 He
spent several months there； and his Diary during the whole of
that period is concerned entirely with detailed descriptions of
churches； ceremonies； and relics； and with minute accounts of
conversations with priests and nuns。 There is not a single
reference either to the objects of art or to the antiquities of
the place； but another omission was still more remarkable。
Manning had a long interview with Pius IX； and his only record of
it is contained in the bald statement： 'Audience today at the
Vatican'。 Precisely what passed on that occasion never
transpired； all that is known is that His Holiness expressed
considerable surprise on learning from the Archdeacon that the
chalice was used in the Anglican Church in the administration of
Communion。 'What！' he exclaimed； is the same chalice made use of
by everyone？' 'I remember the pain I felt；' said Manning； long
afterwards； 'at se