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mother： we lived together until I was forty…two years old； absolutely
without the smallest friction of any kind； yet when her death set me
thinking curiously about our relations； I realized that I knew very little
about her。 Introduce me to a strange woman who was a child when I was
a child； a girl when I was a boy； an adolescent when I was an adolescent；
and if we take naturally to one another I will know more of her and she of
me at the end of forty days （I had almost said of forty minutes） than I
knew of my mother at the end of forty years。 A contemporary stranger is
a novelty and an enigma； also a possibility； but a mother is like a
broomstick or like the sun in the heavens； it does not matter which as far
as one's knowledge of her is concerned： the broomstick is there and the
sun is there； and whether the child is beaten by it or warmed and
enlightened by it； it accepts it as a fact in nature； and does not conceive it
as having had youth； passions； and weaknesses； or as still growing；
yearning； suffering； and learning。 If I meet a widow I may ask her all
about her marriage； but what son ever dreams of asking his mother about
her marriage； or could endure to hear of it without violently breaking off
the old sacred relationship between them； and ceasing to be her child or
anything more to her than the first man in the street might be？
Yet though in this sense the child cannot realize its parent's humanity；
the parent can realize the child's； for the parents with their experience of
life have none of the illusions about the child that the child has about the
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A TREATISE ON PARENTS AND CHILDREN
parents； and the consequence is that the child can hurt its parents' feelings
much more than its parents can hurt the child's； because the child； even
when there has been none of the deliberate hypocrisy by which children
are taken advantage of by their elders； cannot conceive the parent as a
fellow…creature； whilst the parents know very well that the children are
only themselves over again。 The child cannot conceive that its blame or
contempt or want of interest could possibly hurt its parent； and therefore
expresses them all with an indifference which has given rise to the term
_enfant terrible_ （a tragic term in spite of the jests connected with it）；
whilst the parent can suffer from such slights and reproaches more from a
child than from anyone else； even when the child is not beloved； because
the child is so unmistakably sincere in them。
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A TREATISE ON PARENTS AND CHILDREN
Our Abandoned Mothers
Take a very common instance of this agonizing incompatibility。 A
widow brings up her son to manhood。 He meets a strange woman； and
goes off with and marries her； leaving his mother desolate。 It does not
occur to him that this is at all hard on her： he does it as a matter of
course； and actually expects his mother to receive； on terms of special
affection； the woman for whom she has been abandoned。 If he shewed
any sense of what he was doing； any remorse； if he mingled his tears with
hers and asked her not to think too hardly of him because he had obeyed
the inevitable destiny of a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to
his wife； she could give him her blessing and accept her bereavement with
dignity and without reproach。 But the man never dreams of such
considerations。 To him his mother's feeling in the matter； when she
betrays it； is unreasonable； ridiculous； and even odious； as shewing a
prejudice against his adorable bride。
I have taken the widow as an extreme and obvious case； but there are
many husbands and wives who are tired of their consorts； or disappointed
in them； or estranged from them by infidelities； and these parents； in
losing a son or a daughter through marriage； may be losing everything
they care for。 No parent's love is as innocent as the love of a child： the
exclusion of all conscious sexual feeling from it does not exclude the
bitterness； jealousy； and despair at loss which characterize sexual passion：
in fact； what is called a pure love may easily be more selfish and jealous
than a carnal one。 Anyhow； it is plain matter of fact that naively selfish
people sometimes try with fierce jealousy to prevent their children
marrying。
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A TREATISE ON PARENTS AND CHILDREN
Family Affection
Until the family as we know it ceases to exist； nobody will dare to
analyze parental affection as distinguished from that general human
sympathy which has secured to many an orphan fonder care in a stranger's
house than it would have received from its actual parents。 Not even
Tolstoy； in The Kreutzer Sonata； has said all that we suspect about it。
When it persists beyond the period at which it ceases to be necessary to
the child's welfare； it is apt to be morbid； and we are probably wrong to
inculcate its deliberate cultivation。 The natural course is for the parents
and children to cast off the specific parental and filial relation when they
are no longer necessary to one another。 The child does this readily
enough to form fresh ties； closer and more fascinating。 Parents are not
always excluded from such compensations： it happens sometimes that
when the children go out at the door the lover comes in at the window。
Indeed it happens now oftener than it used to； because people remain
much longer in the sexual arena。 The cultivated Jewess no longer cuts
off her hair at her marriage。 The British matron has discarded her cap
and her conscientious ugliness； and a bishop's wife at fifty has more of the
air of a _femme galante_ than an actress had at thirty…five in her
grandmother's time。 But as peop