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Court： and cannot indenture him to be a scientific man； an author； or an
artist； three courses are open to him。 He must endeavour by artificial
means to make him a dwarf； a wild man； or a Boy Jones。
Now； sir； this is the shoal and quicksand on which the constitution will
go to pieces。
I have made inquiry； Mr。 Hood； and find that in my neighbourhood
two families and a fraction out of every four； in the lower and middle
classes of society； are studying and practising all conceivable arts to keep
their infant children down。 Understand me。 I do not mean down in
their numbers； or down in their precocity； but down in their growth； sir。
A destructive and subduing drink； compounded of gin and milk in equal
quantities； such as is given to puppies to retard their growth： not
something short； but something shortening： is administered to these
young creatures many times a day。 An unnatural and artificial thirst is
first awakened in these infants by meals of salt beef； bacon； anchovies；
sardines； red herrings； shrimps； olives； pea…soup； and that description of
diet； and when they screech for drink； in accents that might melt a heart of
stone； which they do constantly （I allude to screeching； not to melting）；
this liquid is introduced into their too confiding stomachs。 At such an
early age； and to so great an extent； is this custom of provoking thirst； then
quenching it with a stunting drink； observed； that brine pap has already
superseded the use of tops…and…bottoms； and wet…nurses； previously free
from any kind of reproach； have been seen to stagger in the streets：
owing； sir； to the quantity of gin introduced into their systems； with a view
to its gradual and natural conversion into the fluid I have already
mentioned。
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Upon the best calculation I can make； this is going on； as I have said；
in the proportion of about two families and a fraction in four。 In one
more family and a fraction out of the same number； efforts are being made
to reduce the children to a state of nature； and to inculcate； at a tender age；
the love of raw flesh； train oil； new rum； and the acquisition of scalps。
Wild and outlandish dances are also in vogue （you will have observed the
prevailing rage for the Polka）； and savage cries and whoops are much
indulged in （as you may discover； if you doubt it； in the House of
Commons any night）。 Nay； some persons； Mr。 Hood； and persons of some
figure and distinction too； have already succeeded in breeding wild sons；
who have been publicly shown in the Courts of Bankruptcy； and in police…
offices； and in other commodious exhibition…rooms； with great effect； but
who have not yet found favour at court； in consequence； as I infer； of the
impression made by Mr。 Rankin's wild men being too fresh and recent； to
say nothing of Mr。 Rankin's wild men being foreigners。 I need not refer
you； sir； to the late instance of the Ojibbeway Bride。 But I am credibly
informed； that she is on the eve of retiring into a savage fastness； where
she may bring forth and educate a wild family； who shall in course of time；
by the dexterous use of the popularity they are certain to acquire at
Windsor and St。 James's； divide with dwarfs the principal offices of state；
of patronage； and power； in the United Kingdom。
Consider the deplorable consequences； Mr。 Hood； which must result
from these proceedings； and the encouragement they receive in the highest
quarters。
The dwarf being the favourite； sir； it is certain that the public mind will
run in a great and eminent degree upon the production of dwarfs。
Perhaps the failures only will be brought up； wild。 The imagination goes
a long way in these cases； and all that the imagination can do； will be done；
and is doing。 You may convince yourself of this； by observing the
condition of those ladies who take particular notice of General Tom
Thumb at the Egyptian Hall； during his hours of performance。
The rapid increase of dwarfs； will be first felt in her Majesty's
recruiting department。 The standard will； of necessity； be lowered； the
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dwarfs will grow smaller and smaller； the vulgar expression 〃a man of his
inches〃 will become a figure of fact； instead of a figure of speech； crack
regiments； household…troops especially； will pick the smallest men from
all parts of the country； and in the two little porticoes at the Horse Guards；
two Tom Thumbs will be daily seen； doing duty； mounted on a pair of
Shetland ponies。 Each of them will be relieved （as Tom Thumb is at this
moment； in the intervals of his performance） by a wild man； and a British
Grenadier will either go into a quart pot； or be an Old Boy； or Blue Gull；
or Flying Bull； or some other savage chief of that nature。
I will not expatiate upon the number of dwarfs who will be found
representing Grecian statues in all parts of the metropolis； because I am
inclined to think that this will be a change for the better； and that the
engagement of two or three in Trafalgar Square will tend to the
improvement of the public taste。
The various genteel employments at Court being held by dwarfs； sir； it
will be necessary to alter； in some respects； the present regulations。 It is
quite clear that not even General Tom Thumb himself could preserve a
becoming dignity on state occasions； if required to walk about with a
scaffolding…pole under his arm； therefore the gold and silver sticks at
present used； must be cut down into skewers of those precious metals； a
twig of the black rod will be quite as much as can be conveniently
preserved； the coral and bells of his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales；
will be used in lieu of the mace at present in existence； and that bauble （as
Oliver Cromwell called it； Mr。 Hood）； its value being first calculated by
Mr。 Finlayson； the government actuary； will be placed to the credit of the
National Deb