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all probability； have remained wrapped in mystery but for the experience
of one fateful morning （after a night in a sleeping…car）； when countless
hidden things were made clear； as I sat； an awe… struck witness to my
fellow…passengers' … toilets？ … No！ Getting their machinery into running
order for the day； would be a more correct expression。
Originally； 〃tags〃 were the backbone of the toilet； different garments
being held together by their aid。 Later； buttons and attendant button…holes
were evolved； now replaced by the devices used in composing the
machine…made man。 As far as I could see （I have overcome a natural
delicacy in making my discoveries public； because it seems unfair to keep
all this information to myself）； nothing so archaic as a button…hole is
employed at the present time by our patent…ridden compatriots。 The shirt；
for instance； which was formerly such a simple… minded and
straightforward garment； knowing no guile； has become； in the hands of
the inventors； a mere pretence； a frail scaffold； on which an elaborate
superstructure of shams is erected。
The varieties of this garment that one sees in the shop windows；
exposing virgin bosoms to the day； are not what they seem！ Those very
bosoms are fakes； and cannot open； being instead pierced by eyelets； into
which bogus studs are fixed by machinery。 The owner is obliged to enter
into those deceptive garments surreptitiously from the rear； by stratagem；
as it were。 Why all this trouble； one asks； for no apparent reason； except
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THE WAYS OF MEN
that old…fashioned shirts opened in front； and no Yankee will wear a non…
patented garment … if he can help it？
There was not a single accessory to the toilet in that car which behaved
in a normal way。 Buttons mostly backed into place； tail…end foremost （like
horses getting between shafts）； where some hidden mechanism screwed or
clinched them to their moorings。
Collars and cuffs （integral parts of the primitive garment） are now a
labyrinth； in which all but the initiated must lose themselves； being
double…decked； detachable； reversible； and made of every known
substance except linen。 The cuff most in favor can be worn four different
ways； and is attached to the shirt by a steel instrument three inches long；
with a nipper at each end。 The amount of white visible below the coat…
sleeve is regulated by another contrivance； mostly of elastic； worn further
up the arm； around the biceps。 Modern collars are retained in position by a
system of screws and levers。 Socks are attached no longer with the old…
fashioned garter； but by aid of a little harness similar to that worn by pug…
dogs。
One traveller； after lacing his shoes； adjusted a contrivance resembling
a black beetle on the knot to prevent its untying。 He also wore 〃hygienic
suspenders；〃 a discovery of great importance （over three thousand patents
have been taken out for this one necessity of the toilet！）。 This brace
performs several tasks at the same time； such as holding unmentionable
garments in place； keeping the wearer erect； and providing a night…key
guard。 It is also said to cure liver and kidney disease by means of an
arrangement of pulleys which throw the strain according to the wearer's
position … I omit the rest of its qualities！
The watches of my companions； I noticed with astonishment； all wore
India…rubber ruffs around their necks。 Here curiosity getting the better of
discretion； I asked what purpose that invention served。 It was graciously
explained to me how such ruffs prevented theft。 They were so made that it
was impossible to draw your watch out of a pocket unless you knew the
trick； which struck me as a mitigated blessing。 In fact； the idea kept
occurring that life might become terribly uncomfortable under these
complex conditions for absent…minded people。
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THE WAYS OF MEN
Pencils； I find； are no longer put into pockets or slipped behind the ear。
Every commercial 〃gent〃 wears a patent on his chest； where his pen and
pencil nestle in a coil of wire。 Eyeglasses are not allowed to dangle
aimlessly about； as of old； but retire with a snap into an oval box； after the
fashion of roller shades。 Scarf…pins have guards screwed on from behind；
and undergarments … but here modesty stops my pen。
Seeing that I was interested in their make…up； several travelling agents
on the train got out their boxes and showed me the latest artifices that
could be attached to the person。 One gentleman produced a collection of
rings made to go on the finger with a spring； like bracelets； an
arrangement； he explained； that was particularly convenient for people
afflicted with enlarged joints！
Another tempted me with what he called a 〃literary shirt front；〃 … it
was in fact a paper pad； from which for cleanliness a leaf could be peeled
each morning； the 〃wrong〃 side of the sheet thus removed contained a
calendar； much useful information； and the chapters of a 〃continued〃 story；
which ended when the 〃dickey〃 was used up。
A third traveller was 〃pushing〃 a collar…button that plied as many
trades as Figaro； combining the functions of cravat… holder； stud； and
scarf…pin。 Not being successful in selling me one of these； he brought
forward something 〃without which；〃 he assured me； 〃no gentleman's
wardrobe was complete〃！ It proved to be an insidious arrangement of gilt
wire； which he adjusted on his poor； overworked collar…button； and then
tied his cravat through and around it。 〃No tie thus made；〃 he said； 〃would
ever slip or get crooked。〃 He had been so civil that it was embarrassing not
to buy something of him； I invested twenty…five cents in the cravat…holder；
as it seemed the least complicated of the patents on exhibition； not；
however； having graduated in a school of mechanics I have never been
able to make it work。 It takes an hour to tie a cravat with its aid； and as
long to get it untied。 Most of the men in that