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study were useless。
＇Because he's so damned clever。＇
But the thing that still irritates me most against the hero of the
popular novel is the ease with which he learns a modern foreign
language。 Were he a German waiter； a Swiss barber； or a Polish
photographer； I would not envy him； these people do not have to learn
a language。 My idea is that they boil down a dictionary； and take
two table…spoonsful each night before going to bed。 By the time the
bottle is finished they have the language well into their system。
But he is not。 He is just an ordinary Anglo…Saxon； and I don't
believe in him。 I walk about for years with dictionaries in my
pocket。 Weird…looking ladies and gentlemen gesticulate and rave at
me for months。 I hide myself in lonely places； repeating idioms to
myself out loud； in the hope that by this means they will come
readily to me if ever I want them； which I never do。 And； after all
this； I don't seem to know very much。 This irritating ass； who has
never left his native suburb； suddenly makes up his mind to travel on
the Continent。 I find him in the next chapter engaged in complicated
psychological argument with French or German savants。 It appears
the author had forgotten to mention it beforethat one summer a
French； or German； or Italian refugee； as the case may happen to be；
came to live in the hero's street： thus it is that the hero is able
to talk fluently in the native language of that unhappy refugee。
I remember a melodrama visiting a country town where I was staying。
The heroine and child were sleeping peacefully in the customary
attic。 For some reason not quite clear to me； the villain had set
fire to the house。 He had been complaining through the three
preceding acts of the heroine's coldness； maybe it was with some idea
of warming her。 Escape by way of the staircase was impossible。 Each
time the poor girl opened the door a flame came in and nearly burned
her hair off。 It seemed to have been waiting for her。
〃Thank God！〃 said the lady； hastily wrapping the child in a sheet；
〃that I was brought up a wire walker。〃
Without a moment's hesitation she opened the attic window and took
the nearest telegraph wire to the opposite side of the street。
In the same way； apparently； the hero of the popular novel； finding
himself stranded in a foreign land； suddenly recollects that once
upon a time he met a refugee； and at once begins to talk。 I have met
refugees myself。 The only thing they have ever taught me is not to
leave my brandy flask about。
＇And； finally； because I don't believe he's true。＇
I don't believe in these heroes and heroines that cannot keep quiet
in a foreign language they have taught themselves in an old…world
library。 My fixed idea is that they muddle along like the rest of
us； surprised that so few people understand them； begging everyone
they meet not to talk so quickly。 These brilliant conversations with
foreign philosophers！ These passionate interviews with foreign
countesses！ They fancy they have had them。
I crossed once with an English lady from Boulogne to Folkestone。 At
Folkestone a little French girlanxious about her trainasked us a
simple question。 My companion replied to it with an ease that
astonished herself。 The little French girl vanished； my companion
sighed。
〃It's so odd；〃 said my companion； 〃but I seem to know quite a lot of
French the moment I get back to England。〃
CHAPTER XIII
＇How to be Healthy and Unhappy。＇
〃They do say；〃 remarked Mrs。 Wilkins； as she took the cover off the
dish and gave a finishing polish to my plate with the cleanest corner
of her apron； 〃that 'addicks； leastways in May； ain't； strictly
speaking； the safest of food。 But then； if you listen to all they
say； it seems to me； we'd have to give up victuals altogether。〃
〃The haddock； Mrs。 Wilkins；〃 I replied； 〃is a savoury and nourishing
dish； the 'poor man's steak' I believe it is commonly called。 When I
was younger； Mrs。 Wilkins； they were cheaper。 For twopence one could
secure a small specimen； for fourpence one of generous proportions。
In the halcyon days of youth； when one's lexicon contained not the
word failure （it has crept into later editions； Mrs。 Wilkins； the
word it was found was occasionally needful）； the haddock was of much
comfort and support to me； a very present help in time of trouble。
In those days a kind friend； without intending it； nearly brought
about my death by slow starvation。 I had left my umbrella in an
omnibus； and the season was rainy。 The kind rich friend gave me a
new umbrella； it was a rich man's umbrella； we made an ill…assorted
pair。 Its handle was of ivory； imposing in appearance； ornamented
with a golden snake。
＇The unsympathetic Umbrella。＇
〃Following my own judgment I should have pawned that umbrella；
purchased one more suited to my state in life； and 'blued' the
difference。 But I was fearful of offending my one respectable
acquaintance； and for weeks struggled on； hampered by this
plutocratic appendage。 The humble haddock was denied to me。 Tied to
this imposing umbrella； how could I haggle with fishmongers for
haddocks。 At first sight of meor； rather； of my umbrellathey
flew to icy cellars； brought up for my inspection soles at
eighteenpence a pound； recommended me prime parts of salmon； which my
landlady would have fried in a pan reeking with the mixed remains of
pork chops； rashers of bacon and cheese。 It was closed to me； the
humble coffee shop； where for threepence I could have strengthened my
soul with half a pint of cocoa and four 〃doorsteps〃satisfactory
slices of bread smeared with a yellow grease that before the days of
County Council inspectors they called butter。 You know of them； Mrs。
Wilkins？ At sight of such nowadays I should turn up my jaded nose。
But those were the days of my youth； Mrs。 Wilkins。 The scent of a
thousand hopes was in my nostrils： so they smelt good to me。 The
fourpenny beefsteak pie； satisfying to the verge of repletion； the
succulent saveloy； were not for the owner of the ivory…handled
umbrella。 On Mondays and Tuesdays； perhaps； I could enjoy life at
the rate of five hundred a yearclean serviette a penny extra； and
twopence to the waiter； whose income must have been at least four
times my own。 But from Wednesday to Saturday I had to wander in the
wilderness of back streets and silent squares dinnerless； where there
were not even to be found locusts and wild honey。
〃It was； as I have said； a rainy season； and an umbrella of some sort
was a necessity。 Fortunatelyor I might not be sitting here； Mrs。
Wilkins； talking to you nowmy one respectable acquaintance was
called away to foreign lands； and that umbrella I promptly put 'up
the spout。' You understand me？〃
Mrs。 Wilkins admitted she did； but was of opinion that twenty…five
per cent。； to say nothing of the halfpenny for the ticket every time；
was a wicked imposition。
〃It did not trouble me； Mrs。 Wilkins；〃 I replied； 〃in this particular
instance。 It was my determination never to see that umbrella again。
T