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instance。 It was my determination never to see that umbrella again。
The young man behind the counter seemed suspicious； and asked where I
got it from。 I told him that a friend had given it to me。〃
〃'Did he know that he had given it to you？〃 demanded the young man。
〃Upon which I gave him a piece of my mind concerning the character of
those who think evil of others； and he gave me five and six； and said
he should know me again； and I purchased an umbrella suited to my
rank and station； and as fine a haddock as I have ever tasted with
the balance； which was sevenpence； for I was feeling hungry。
〃The haddock is an excellent fish； Mrs。 Wilkins；〃 I said； 〃and if； as
you observe； we listened to all that was said we'd be hungrier at
forty； with a balance to our credit at the bank； than ever we were at
twenty； with 'no effects' beyond a sound digestion。〃
＇A Martyr to Health。＇
〃There was a gent in Middle Temple Lane；〃 said Mrs。 Wilkins； 〃as I
used to do for。 It's my belief as 'e killed 'imself worrying twenty…
four hours a day over what 'e called 'is 'ygiene。 Leastways 'e's
dead and buried now； which must be a comfort to 'imself； feeling as
at last 'e's out of danger。 All 'is time 'e spent taking care of
'imselfdidn't seem to 'ave a leisure moment in which to live。 For
'alf an hour every morning 'e'd lie on 'is back on the floor； which
is a draughty place； I always 'old； at the best of times； with
nothing on but 'is pyjamas； waving 'is arms and legs about； and
twisting 'imself into shapes unnatural to a Christian。 Then 'e found
out that everything 'e'd been doing on 'is back was just all wrong；
so 'e turned over and did tricks on 'is stomachbegging your pardon
for using the wordthat you'd 'ave thought more fit and proper to a
worm than to a man。 Then all that was discovered to be a mistake。
There don't seem nothing certain in these matters。 That's the
awkward part of it； so it seems to me。 'E got 'imself a machine； by
means of which 'e'd 'ang 'imself up to the wall； and behave for all
the world like a beetle with a pin stuck through 'im； poor thing。 It
used to give me the shudders to catch sight of 'im through the 'alf…
open door。 For that was part of the game： you 'ad to 'ave a current
of air through the room； the result of which was that for six months
out of the year 'e'd be coughing and blowing 'is nose from morning to
night。 It was the new treatment； so 'e'd explain to me。 You got
yourself accustomed to draughts so that they didn't 'urt you； and if
you died in the process that only proved that you never ought to 'ave
been born。
〃Then there came in this new Japanese business； and 'e'd 'ire a
little smiling 'eathen to chuck 'im about 'is room for 'alf an hour
every morning after breakfast。 It got on my nerves after a while
'earing 'im being bumped on the floor every minute； or flung with 'is
'ead into the fire…place。 But 'e always said it was doing 'im good。
'E'd argue that it freshened up 'is liver。 It was 'is liver that 'e
seemed to live fordidn't appear to 'ave any other interest in life。
It was the same with 'is food。 One year it would be nothing but
meat； and next door to raw at that。 One of them medical papers 'ad
suddenly discovered that we were intended to be a sort of wild beast。
The wonder to me is that 'e didn't go out 'unting chickens with a
club； and bring 'em 'ome and eat 'em on the mat without any further
fuss。 For drink it would be boiling water that burnt my fingers
merely 'andling the glass。 Then some other crank came out with the
information that every other crank was wrongwhich； taken by itself；
sounds natural enoughthat meat was fatal to the 'uman system。 Upon
that 'e becomes all at once a raging； tearing vegetarian； and trouble
enough I 'ad learning twenty different ways of cooking beans； which
didn't make； so far as I could ever see； the slightest difference
beans they were； and beans they tasted like； whether you called them
ragout a la maison； or cutlets a la Pompadour。 But it seemed to
please 'im。
＇He was never pig…headed。＇
〃Then vegetarianism turned out to be the mistake of our lives。 It
seemed we made an error giving up monkeys' food。 That was our
natural victuals； nuts with occasional bananas。 As I used to tell
'im； if that was so； then for all we 'ad got out of it we might just
as well have stopped up a treesaved rent and shoe leather。 But 'e
was one of that sort that don't seem able to 'elp believing
everything they read in print。 If one of those papers 'ad told 'im
to live on the shells and throw away the nuts； 'e'd have made a
conscientious endeavour to do so； contending that 'is failure to
digest them was merely the result of vicious trainingdidn't seem to
'ave any likes or dislikes of 'is own。 You might 'ave thought 'e was
just a bit of public property made to be experimented upon。
〃One of the daily papers interviewed an old gent； as said 'e was a
'undred； and I will say from 'is picture as any'ow 'e looked it。 'E
said it was all the result of never 'aving swallowed anything 'ot；
upon which my gentleman for a week lives on cold porridge； if you'll
believe me； although myself I'd rather 'ave died at fifty and got it
over。 Then another paper dug up from somewhere a sort of animated
corpse that said was a 'undred and two； and attributed the
unfortunate fact to 'is always 'aving 'ad 'is food as 'ot as 'e could
swallow it。 A bit of sense did begin to dawn upon 'im then； but too
late in the day； I take it。 'E'd played about with 'imself too long。
'E died at thirty…two； looking to all appearance sixty； and you can't
say as 'ow it was the result of not taking advice。〃
＇Only just in time。＇
〃On this subject of health we are much too ready to follow advice；〃 I
agreed。 〃A cousin of mine； Mrs。 Wilkins； had a wife who suffered
occasionally from headache。 No medicine relieved her of themnot
altogether。 And one day by chance she met a friend who said： 'Come
straight with me to Dr。 Blank；' who happened to be a specialist
famous for having invented a new disease that nobody until the year
before had ever heard of。 She accompanied her friend to Dr。 Blank；
and in less than ten minutes he had persuaded her that she had got
this new disease； and got it badly； and that her only chance was to
let him cut her open and have it out。 She was a tolerably healthy
woman； with the exception of these occasional headaches； but from
what that specialist said it was doubtful whether she would get home
alive； unless she let him operate on her then and there； and her
friend； who appeared delighted； urged her not to commit suicide； as
it were； by missing her turn。
〃The result was she consented； and afterwards went home in a four…
wheeled cab； and put herself to bed。 Her husband； when he returned
in the evening and was told； was furious。 He said it was all humbug；
and by this time she was ready to agree with him。 He put on his hat；
and started to give that specialist a bit of his mind。 The
specialist was out； and he had to bottle up his rage until the
morning。 By then； h