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I felt just then a very unpleasant faintness。 After the life I've
been leading for nine weeks; anybody would have got out of condition。
I wasn't capable of swimming round as far as your rudder chains。
And; lo and behold! there was a ladder to get hold of。
After I gripped it I said to myself; ‘What's the good?'
When I saw a man's head looking over I thought I would swim away
presently and leave him shoutingin whatever language it was。
I didn't mind being looked at。 II liked it。 And then you speaking to me
so quietlyas if you had expected memade me hold on a little longer。
It had been a confounded lonely timeI don't mean while swimming。
I was glad to talk a little to somebody that didn't belong to the Sephora。
As to asking for the captain; that was a mere impulse。 It could
have been no use; with all the ship knowing about me and the other
people pretty certain to be round here in the morning。 I don't know
I wanted to be seen; to talk with somebody; before I went on。
I don't know what I would have said。 。 。 。 ‘Fine night; isn't it?'
or something of the sort。〃
〃Do you think they will be round here presently?〃
I asked with some incredulity。
〃Quite likely;〃 he said; faintly。
〃He looked extremely haggard all of a sudden。 His head rolled
on his shoulders。
〃H'm。 We shall see then。 Meantime get into that bed;〃 I whispered。
〃Want help? There。〃
It was a rather high bed place with a set of drawers underneath。
This amazing swimmer really needed the lift I gave him by seizing his leg。
He tumbled in; rolled over on his back; and flung one arm across his eyes。
And then; with his face nearly hidden; he must have looked exactly as I used
to look in that bed。 I gazed upon my other self for a while before drawing
across carefully the two green serge curtains which ran on a brass rod。
I thought for a moment of pinning them together for greater safety;
but I sat down on the couch; and once there I felt unwilling to rise
and hunt for a pin。 I would do it in a moment。 I was extremely tired;
in a peculiarly intimate way; by the strain of stealthiness;
by the effort of whispering and the general secrecy of this excitement。
It was three o'clock by now and I had been on my feet since nine;
but I was not sleepy; I could not have gone to sleep。 I sat there;
fagged out; looking at the curtains; trying to clear my mind of the confused
sensation of being in two places at once; and greatly bothered by an
exasperating knocking in my head。 It was a relief to discover suddenly
that it was not in my head at all; but on the outside of the door。
Before I could collect myself the words 〃Come in〃 were out of my mouth;
and the steward entered with a tray; bringing in my morning coffee。
I had slept; after all; and I was so frightened that I shouted;
〃This way! I am here; steward;〃 as though he had been miles away。
He put down the tray on the table next the couch and only then said;
very quietly; 〃I can see you are here; sir。〃 I felt him give me a keen look;
but I dared not meet his eyes just then。 He must have wondered why I
had drawn the curtains of my bed before going to sleep on the couch。
He went out; hooking the door open as usual。
I heard the crew washing decks above me。 I knew I would have
been told at once if there had been any wind。 Calm; I thought;
and I was doubly vexed。 Indeed; I felt dual more than ever。
The steward reappeared suddenly in the doorway。
I jumped up from the couch so quickly that he gave a start。
〃What do you want here?〃
〃Close your port; sirthey are washing decks。〃
〃It is closed;〃 I said; reddening。
〃Very well; sir。〃 But he did not move from the doorway and returned
my stare in an extraordinary; equivocal manner for a time。
Then his eyes wavered; all his expression changed; and in a voice
unusually gentle; almost coaxingly:
〃May I come in to take the empty cup away; sir?〃
〃Of course!〃 I turned my back on him while he popped in and out。
Then I unhooked and closed the door and even pushed the bolt。
This sort of thing could not go on very long。 The cabin was as hot
as an oven; too。 I took a peep at my double; and discovered
that he had not moved; his arm was still over his eyes; but his
chest heaved; his hair was wet; his chin glistened with perspiration。
I reached over him and opened the port。
〃I must show myself on deck;〃 I reflected。
Of course; theoretically; I could do what I liked; with no
one to say nay to me within the whole circle of the horizon;
but to lock my cabin door and take the key away I did not dare。
Directly I put my head out of the companion I saw the group
of my two officers; the second mate barefooted; the chief
mate in long India…rubber boots; near the break of the poop;
and the steward halfway down the poop ladder talking to them eagerly。
He happened to catch sight of me and dived; the second
ran down on the main…deck shouting some order or other;
and the chief mate came to meet me; touching his cap。
There was a sort of curiosity in his eye that I did not like。
I don't know whether the steward had told them that I was 〃queer〃 only;
or downright drunk; but I know the man meant to have a good look at me。
I watched him coming with a smile which; as he got into point…blank range;
took effect and froze his very whiskers。 I did not give him time
to open his lips。
〃Square the yards by lifts and braces before the hands go to breakfast。〃
It was the first particular order I had given on board that ship;
and I stayed on deck to see it executed; too。 I had felt the need
of asserting myself without loss of time。 That sneering young cub
got taken down a peg or two on that occasion; and I also seized
the opportunity of having a good look at the face of every
foremast man as they filed past me to go to the after braces。
At breakfast time; eating nothing myself; I presided with such
frigid dignity that the two mates were only too glad to escape from
the cabin as soon as decency permitted; and all the time the dual
working of my mind distracted me almost to the point of insanity。
I was constantly watching myself; my secret self; as dependent
on my actions as my own personality; sleeping in that bed;
behind that door which faced me as I sat at the head of the table。
It was very much like being mad; only it was worse because one was
aware of it。
I had to shake him for a solid minute; but when at last he opened his eyes
it was in the full possession of his senses; with an inquiring look。
〃All's well so far;〃 I whispered。 〃Now you must vanish into the bathroom。〃
He did so; as noiseless as a ghost; and then I rang for the steward;
and facing him boldly; directed him to tidy up my stateroom while I was
having my bath〃and be quick about it。〃 As my tone admitted of no excuses;
he said; 〃Yes; sir;〃 and ran off to fetch his dustpan and brushes。
I took a bath and did most of my dressing; splashing; and whistling
softly f