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mornings of this practice； he could bear it no longer；
and fairly quitted the place。
Should the Colonel see this； will he remember the Gent
who asked him if he thought Publicoaler was a fine
writer； and drove him from the Hotel with a four…pronged
fork？
CHAPTER I
THE SNOB PLAYFULLY DEALT WITH
There are relative and positive Snobs。 I mean by
positive； such persons as are Snobs everywhere； in all
companies； from morning till night； from youth to the
grave； being by Nature endowed with Snobbishnessand
others who are Snobs only in certain circumstances and
relations of life。
For instance： I once knew a man who committed before me
an act as atrocious as that which I have indicated in the
last chapter as performed by me for the purpose of
disgusting Colonel Snobley； viz； the using the fork in
the guise of a toothpick。 I once； I say； knew a man who；
dining in my company at the 'Europa Coffee…house；'
（opposite the Grand Opera； and； as everybody knows； the
only decent place for dining at Naples；） ate peas with
the assistance of his knife。 He was a person with whose
society I was greatly pleased at firstindeed； we had
met in the crater of Mount Vesuvius； and were
subsequently robbed and held to ransom by brigands in
Calabria； which is nothing to the purposea man of great
powers； excellent heart； and varied information； but I
had never before seen him with a dish of pease； and his
conduct in regard to them caused me the deepest pain。
After having seen him thus publicly comport himself； but
one course was open to meto cut his acquaintance。 I
commissioned a mutual friend （the Honourable Poly Anthus）
to break the matter to this gentleman as delicately as
possible； and to say that painful circumstancesin
nowise affecting Mr。 Marrowfat's honour； or my esteem for
himhad occurred； which obliged me to forego my intimacy
with him； and accordingly we met and gave each other the
cut direct that night at the Duchess of Monte Fiasco's
ball。
Everybody at Naples remarked the separation of the Damon
and Pythiasindeed； Marrowfat had saved my life more
than oncebut； as an English gentleman； what was I to
do？
My dear friend was； in this instance； the Snob RELATIVE。
It is not snobbish of persons of rank of any other nation
to employ their knife in the manner alluded to。 I have
seen Monte Fiasco clean his trencher with his knife； and
every Principe in company doing likewise。 I have seen；
at the hospitable board of H。I。H。 the Grand Duchess
Stephanie of Baden（who； if these humble lines should
come under her Imperial eyes； is besought to remember
graciously the most devoted of her servants）I have
seen； I say； the Hereditary Princess of Potztausend…
Donnerwetter （that serenely…beautiful woman） use her
knife in lieu of a fork or spoon； I have seen her almost
swallow it； by Jove！ like Ramo Samee； the Indian juggler。
And did I blench？ Did my estimation for the Princess
diminish？ No； lovely Amalia！ One of the truest passions
that ever was inspired by woman was raised in this bosom
by that lady。 Beautiful one！ long； long may the knife
carry food to those lips！ the reddest and loveliest in
the world！
The cause of my quarrel with Marrowfat I never breathed
to mortal soul for four years。 We met in the halls of
the aristocracyour friends and relatives。 We jostled
each other in the dance or at the board； but the
estrangement continued； and seemed irrevocable； until the
fourth of June； last year。
We met at Sir George Golloper's。 We were placed； he on
the right； your humble servant on the left of the
admirable Lady G。。 Peas formed part of the banquet
ducks and green peas。 I trembled as I saw Marrowfat
helped； and turned away sickening； lest I should behold
the weapon darting down his horrid jaws。
What was my astonishment； what my delight； when I saw him
use his fork like any other Christian！ He did not
administer the cold steel once。 Old times rushed back
upon methe remembrance of old serviceshis rescuing me
from the brigandshis gallant conduct in the affair with
the Countess Dei Spinachihis lending me the 1；700L。 I
almost burst into tears with joymy voice trembled with
emotion。 'George； my boy！' I exclaimed； 'George
Marrowfat； my dear fellow！ a glass of wine！'
Blushingdeeply movedalmost as tremulous as I was
myself； George answered； 'FRANK； SHALL IT BE HOCK OR
MADEIRA？ I could have hugged him to my heart but for the
presence of the company。 Little did Lady Golloper know
what was the cause of the emotion which sent the duckling
I was carving into her ladyship's pink satin lap。 The
most good…natured of women pardoned the error； and the
butler removed the bird。
We have been the closest friends over since； nor； of
course； has George repeated his odious habit。 He
acquired it at a country school； where they cultivated
peas and only used two…pronged forks； and it was only by
living on the Continent where the usage of the four…prong
is general； that he lost the horrible custom。
In this pointand in this onlyI confess myself a
member of the Silver…Fork School； and if this tale but
induce one of my readers to pause； to examine in his own
mind solemnly； and ask； 'Do I or do I not eat peas with a
knife？'to see the ruin which may fall upon himself by
continuing the practice； or his family by beholding the
example； these lines will not have been written in vain。
And now； whatever other authors may be； I flatter myself；
it will be allowed that I； at least； am a moral man。
By the way； as some readers are dull of comprehension； I
may as well say what the moral of this history is。 The
moral is thisSociety having ordained certain customs；
men are bound to obey the law of society； and conform to
its harmless orders。
If I should go to the British and Foreign Institute （and
heaven forbid I should go under any pretext or in any
costume whatever）if I should go to one of the tea…
parties in a dressing…gown and slippers； and not in the
usual attire of a gentleman； viz； pumps； a gold
waistcoat； a crush hat； a sham frill； and a white choker…
…I should be insulting society； and EATING PEASE WITH MY
KNIFE。 Let the porters of the Institute hustle out the
individual who shall so offend。 Such an offender is； as
regards society； a most emphatical and refractory Snob。
It has its code and police as well as governments； and he
must conform who would profit by the decrees set forth
for their common comfort。
I am naturally averse to egotism； and hate selflaudation
consumedly； but I can't help relating here a circumstance
illustrative of the point in question； in which I must
think I acted with considerable prudence。
Being at Constantinople a few years since（on a delicate
mission）；the Russians were playing a double game；
between ourselves； and it became necessary on our part to
employ an EXTRA NEGOTIATORLeckerbiss Pash