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between ourselves； and it became necessary on our part to
employ an EXTRA NEGOTIATORLeckerbiss Pasha of Roumelia；
then Chief Galeongee of the Porte； gave a diplomatic
banquet at his summer palace at Bujukdere。 I was on the
left of the Galeongee； and the Russian agent； Count de
Diddloff； on his dexter side。 Diddloff is a dandy who
would die of a rose in aromatic pain： he had tried to
have me assassinated three times in the course of the
negotiation； but of course we were friends in public； and
saluted each other in the most cordial and charming
manner。
The Galeongee isor was； alas！ for a bow…string has done
for hima staunch supporter of the old school of Turkish
politics。 We dined with our fingers； and had flaps of
bread for plates； the only innovation he admitted was the
use of European liquors； in which he indulged with great
gusto。 He was an enormous eater。 Amongst the dishes a
very large one was placed before him of a lamb dressed in
its wool； stuffed with prunes； garlic； assafoetida；
capsicums； and other condiments； the most abominable
mixture that ever mortal smelt or tasted。 The Galeongee
ate of this hugely； and pursuing the Eastern fashion；
insisted on helping his friends right and left； and when
he came to a particularly spicy morsel； would push it
with his own hands into his guests' very mouths。
I never shall forget the look of poor Diddloff； when his
Excellency； rolling up a large quantity of this into a
ball and exclaiming； 'Buk Buk' （it is very good）；
administered the horrible bolus to Diddloff。 The
Russian's eyes rolled dreadfully as he received it： he
swallowed it with a grimace that I thought must precede a
convulsion； and seizing a bottle next him； which he
thought was Sauterne； but which turned out to be French
brandy； he drank off nearly a pint before he know his
error。 It finished him； he was carried away from the
dining…room almost dead； and laid out to cool in a
summer…house on the Bosphorus。
When it came to my turn； I took down the condiment with a
smile； said 'Bismillah；' licked my lips with easy
gratification； and when the next dish was served； made up
a ball myself so dexterously； and popped it down the old
Galeongee's mouth with so much grace； that his heart was
won。 Russia was put out of court at once and THE TREATY
of Kabobanople WAS SIGNED。 As for Diddloff； all was over
with HIM： he was recalled to St。 Petersburg； and Sir
Roderick Murchison saw him； under the No。 3967； working
in the Ural mines。
The moral of this tale； I need not say； is； that there
are many disagreeable things in society which you are
bound to take down； and to do so with a smiling face。
CHAPTER II
THE SNOB ROYAL
Long since at the commencement of the reign of her
present Gracious Majesty； it chanced 'on a fair summer
evening；' as Mr。 James would say； that three or four
young cavaliers were drinking a cup of wine after dinner
at the hostelry called the 'King's Arms；' kept by
Mistress Anderson； in the royal village of Kensington。
'Twas a balmy evening； and the wayfarers looked out on a
cheerful scene。 The tall elms of the ancient gardens
were in full leaf； and countless chariots of the nobility
of England whirled by to the neighbouring palace； where
princely Sussex （whose income latterly only allowed him
to give tea…parties） entertained his royal niece at a
state banquet。 When the caroches of the nobles had set
down their owners at the banquethall； their varlets and
servitors came to quaff a flagon of nut…brown ale in the
'King's Arms' gardens hard by。 We watched these fellows
from our lattice。 By Saint Boniface 'twas a rare sight！
The tulips in Mynheer Van Dunck's gardens were not more
gorgeous than the liveries of these pie…coated retainers。
All the flowers of the field bloomed in their ruffled
bosoms； all the hues of the rainbow gleamed in their
plush breeches； and the long…caned ones walked up and
down the garden with that charming solemnity； that
delightfull quivering swagger of the calves； which has
always had a frantic fascination for us。 The walk was
not wide enough for them as the shoulder…knots strutted
up and down it in canary； and crimson； and light blue。
Suddenly； in the midst of their pride； a little bell was
rung； a side door opened； and （after setting down their
Royal Mistress） her Majesty's own crimson footmen； with
epaulets and black plushes； came in。
It was pitiable to see the other poor Johns slink off at
this arrival！ Not one of the honest private Plushes
could stand up before the Royal Flunkeys。 They left the
walk： they sneaked into dark holes and drank tbeir beer
in silence。 The Royal Plush kept possession of the
garden until the Royal Plush dinner was announced； when
it retired； and we heard from the pavilion where they
dined； conservative cheers； and speeches； and Kentish
fires。 The other Flunkeys we never saw more。
My dear Flunkeys； so absurdly conceited at one moment and
so abject at the next； are but the types of their masters
in this world。 HE WHO MEANLY ADMIRES MEAN THINGS IS A
SNOBperhaps that is a safe definition of the character。
And this is why I have； with the utmost respect； ventured
to place The Snob Royal at the head of my list； causing
all others to give way before him； as the Flunkeys before
the royal representative in Kensington Gardens。 To say
of such and such a Gracious Sovereign that he is a Snob；
is but to say that his Majesty is a man。 Kings； too； are
men and Snobs。 In a country where Snobs are in the
majority； a prime one； surely； cannot be unfit to govern。
With us they have succeeded to admiration。
For instance； James I。 was a Snob； and a Scotch Snob；
than which the world contains no more offensive creature。
He appears to have had not one of the good qualities of a
manneither courage； nor generosity； nor honesty； nor
brains； but read what the great Divines and Doctors of
England said about him！ Charles II。； his grandson； was a
rogue； but not a Snob； whilst Louis XIV。； his old
squaretoes of a contemporary；the great worshipper of
Bigwiggeryhas always struck me as a most undoubted and
Royal Snob。
I will not； however； take instances from our own country
of Royal Snobs； but refer to a neighbouring kingdom； that
of Brentfordand its monarch； the late great and
lamented Gorgius IV。 With the same humility with which
the footmen at the 'King's Arms' gave way before the
Plush Royal； the aristocracy of the Brentford nation bent
down and truckled before Gorgius； and proclaimed him the
first gentleman in Europe。 And it's a wonder to think
what is the gentlefolks' opinion of a gentleman； when
they gave Gorgius such a title。
What is it to be a gentleman？ Is it to be honest； to be
gentle； to be generous； to be brave； to be wise； and；
possessing all these qualities； to exercise them in the
most graceful outward manner？ Ought a gentl