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German' of course）。 The conversazione…women salute each
other calling each other 'My dear Lady Ann' and 'My dear
good Eliza；' and hating each other； as women hate who
give parties on Wednesdays and Fridays。 With
inexpressible pain dear good Eliza sees Ann go up and
coax and wheedle Abou Gosh； who has just arrived from
Syria； and beg him to patronize her Fridays。
All this while； amidst the crowd and the scuffle； and a
perpetual buzz and chatter； and the flare of the wax…
candles； and an intolerable smell of muskwhat the poor
Snobs who write fashionable romances call 'the gleam of
gems； the odour of perfumes； the blaze of countless
lamps'a scrubby…looking； yellow…faced foreigner； with
cleaned gloves； is warbling inaudibly in a corner； to the
accompaniment of another。 'The Great Cacafogo；' Mrs。
Botibol whispers； as she passes you by。 'A great
creature； Thumpenstrumpff； is at the instrumentthe
Hetman Platoff's pianist； you know。'
To hear this Cacafogo and Thumpenstrumpff； a hundred
people are gathered togethera bevy of dowagers； stout
or scraggy； a faint sprinkling of misses； six moody…
looking lords； perfectly meek and solemn； wonderful
foreign Counts； with bushy whiskers and yellow faces； and
a great deal of dubious jewellery； young dandies with
slim waists and open necks； and self…satisfied simpers；
and flowers in their buttons； the old； stiff； stout；
bald…headed CONVERSAZIONE ROUES； whom
You meet everywherewho never miss a night of this
delicious enjoyment； the three last…caught lions of the
seasonHiggs； the traveller； Biggs； the novelist； and
Toffey； who has come out so on the sugar question；
Captain Flash； who is invited on account of his pretty
wife and Lord Ogleby； who goes wherever she goes。
QUE SCAIS…JE？ Who are the owners of all those showy
scarfs and white neckcloths？Ask little Tom Prig； who is
there in all his glory； knows everybody； has a story
about every one； and； as he trips home to his lodgings in
Jermyn Street； with his gibus…hat and his little glazed
pumps； thinks he is the fashionablest young fellow in
town； and that he really has passed a night of exquisite
enjoyment。
You go up （with our usual easy elegance of manner） and
talk to Miss Smith in a corner。 'Oh； Mr。 Snob； I'm
afraid you're sadly satirical。'
That's all she says。 If you say it's fine weather； she
bursts out laughing； or hint that it's very hot； she vows
you are the drollest wretch！ Meanwhile Mrs。 Botibol is
simpering on fresh arrivals； the individual at the door
is roaring out their names； poor Cacafogo is quavering
away in the music…room； under the impression that he will
be LANCE in the world by singing inaudibly here。 And
what a blessing it is to squeeze out of the door； and
into the street； where a half…hundred of carriages are in
waiting； and where the link…boy； with that unnecessary
lantern of his； pounces upon all who issue out； and will
insist upon getting your noble honour's lordship's cab。
And to think that there are people who； after having
been to Botibol on Wednesday； will go to Clutterbuck
on Friday！
CHAPTER XIX
DINING…OUT SNOBS
In England Dinner…giving Snobs occupy a very important
place in society； and the task of describing them is
tremendous。 There was a time in my life when the
consciousness of having eaten a man's salt rendered me
dumb regarding his demerits； and I thought it a wicked
act and a breach of hospitality to speak ill of him。
But why should a saddle…of…mutton blind you； or a turbot
and lobster…sauce shut your mouth for ever？ With
advancing age； men see their duties more clearly。 I am
not to be hoodwinked any longer by a slice of venison； be
it ever so fat； and as for being dumb on account of
turbot and lobster…sauceof course I am； good manners
ordain that I should be so； until I have swallowed the
compoundbut not afterwards； directly the victuals are
discussed； and John takes away the plate； my tongue
begins to wag。 Does not yours； if you have a pleasant
neighbour？a lovely creature； say； of some five…and…
thirty； whose daughters have not yet quite come outthey
are the best talkers。 As for your young misses； they are
only put about the table to look atlike the flowers in
the centre…piece。 Their blushing youth and natural
modesty preclude them from easy； confidential；
conversational ABANDON which forms the delight of the
intercourse with their dear mothers。 It is to these； if
he would prosper in his profession； that the Dining…out
Snob should address himself。 Suppose you sit next to one
of these； how pleasant it is； in the intervals of the
banquet； actually to abuse the victuals and the giver of
the entertainment！ It's twice as PIQUANT to make fun of
a man under his very nose。
'What IS a Dinner…giving Snob？' some innocent youth； who
is not REPANDU in the world； may askor some simple
reader who has not the benefits of London experience。
My dear sir； I will show younot all； for that is
impossiblebut several kinds of Dinner…giving Snobs。
For instance； suppose you； in the middle rank of life；
accustomed to Mutton； roast on Tuesday； cold on
Wednesday； hashed on Thursday； &c。； with small means and
a small establishment； choose to waste the former and set
the latter topsy…turvy by giving entertainments
unnaturally costlyyou come into the Dinner…giving Snob
class at once。 Suppose you get in cheap…made dishes from
the pastrycook's； and hire a couple of greengrocers； or
carpet…beaters； to figure as footmen； dismissing honest
Molly； who waits on common days； and bedizening your
table （ordinarily ornamented with willow…pattern
crockery） with twopenny…halfpenny Birmingham plate。
Suppose you pretend to be richer and grander than you
ought to beyou are a Dinner…giving Snob。 And oh； I
tremble to think how many and many a one will read this！
A man who entertains in this wayand； alas； how few do
not！is like a fellow who would borrow his neighbour's
coat to make a show in； or a lady who flaunts in the
diamonds from next doora humbug； in a word； and amongst
the Snobs he must be set down。
A man who goes out of his natural sphere of society to
ask Lords； Generals； Aldermen； and other persons of
fashion； but is niggardly of his hospitality towards his
own equals； is a Dinner…giving Snob。 My dear friend；
Jack Tufthunt； for example； knows ONE Lord whom he met at
a watering…place： old Lord Mumble； who is as toothless as
a three…months…old baby； and as mum as an undertaker； and
as dull aswell； we will not particularise。 Tufthunt
never has a dinner now but you see this solemn old
toothless patrician at the right…hand of Mrs。 Tufthunt
Tufthunt is a Dinner…giving Snob。
Old Livermore； old Soy； old Chutney； the East Indian
Director； old Cutler； the Surgeon； &c。；that society of
old fogies； in fine； who give each other dinners round
and round； and dine for the mere purpose of guttling