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people liking a sham COURT CIRCULAR！
I think the shams of Ireland are more outrageous than
those of any country。 A fellow shows you a hill and
says； 'That's the highest mountain in all Ireland；'
a gentleman tells you he is descended from Brian Boroo
and has his five…and…thirty hundred a year； or Mrs。
Macmanus describes her fawther's esteet； or ould Dan
rises and says the Irish women are the loveliest； the
Irish men the bravest； the Irish land the most fertile in
the world： and nobody believes anybodythe latter does
not believe his story nor the hearer：but they make…
believe to believe； and solemnly do honour to humbug。
O Ireland！ O my country！ （for I make little doubt I am
descended from Brian Boroo too） when will you acknowledge
that two and two make four； and call a pikestaff a
pikestaff？that is the very best use you can make of the
latter。 Irish snobs will dwindle away then and we shall
never hear tell of Hereditary bondsmen。
CHAPTER XVIII
PARTY…GIVING SNOBS
Our selection of Snobs has lately been too exclusively of
a political character。 'Give us private Snobs；' cry the
dear ladies。 （I have before me the letter of one fair
correspondent of the fishing village of Brighthelmstone
in Sussex； and could her commands ever be disobeyed？）
'Tell us more； dear Mr。 Snob； about your experience of
Snobs in society。' Heaven bless the dear souls！they
are accustomed to the word nowthe odious； vulgar；
horrid； unpronounceable word slips out of their lips with
the prettiest glibness possible。 I should not wonder if
it were used at Court amongst the Maids of Honour。 In
the very best society I know it is。 And why not？
Snobbishness is vulgarthe mere words are not： that
which we call a Snob； by any other name would still be
Snobbish。
Well； then。 As the season is drawing to a close： as many
hundreds of kind souls； snobbish or otherwise； have
quitted London； as many hospitable carpets are taken up；
and window…blinds are pitilessly papered with the MORNING
HERALD； and mansions once inhabited by cheerful owners
are now consigned to the care of the housekeeper's dreary
LOCUM TENENSsome mouldy old woman； who； in reply to the
hopeless clanging of the bell； peers at you for a moment
from the area； and then slowly unbolting the great hall…
door； informs you my lady has left town； or that 'the
family's in the country；' or 'gone up the Rind；'or what
not； as the season and parties are over； why not consider
Party…giving Snobs for a while； and review the conduct of
some of those individuals who have quitted the town for
six months？
Some of those worthy Snobs are making…believe to go
yachting； and； dressed in telescopes and pea…jackets； are
passing their time between Cherbourg and Cowes； some
living higgledy…piggledy in dismal little huts in
Scotland； provisioned with canisters of portable soup；
and fricandeaux hermetically sealed in tin； are passing
their days slaughtering grouse upon the moors； some are
dozing and bathing away the effects of the season at
Kissingen； or watching the ingenious game of TRENTE ET
QUARANTE at Homburg and Ems。 We can afford to be very
bitter upon them now they are all gone。 Now there are no
more parties； let us have at the Party…giving Snobs。 The
dinner…giving； the ball…giving； the DEJEUNER…giving； the
CONVERSAZIONE…GIVING SnobsLord！ Lord！ what havoc might
have been made amongst them had we attacked them during
the plethora of the season！ I should have been obliged
to have a guard to defend me from fiddlers and
pastrycooks； indignant at the abuse of their patrons。
Already I'm told that； from some flippant and unguarded
expressions considered derogatory to Baker Street and
Harley Street； rents have fallen in these respectable
quarters； and orders have been issued that at least Mr。
Snob shall be asked to parties there no more。 Well；
thennow they are ALL away； let us frisk at our ease；
and have at everything like the bull in the china…shop。
They mayn't hear of what is going on in their absence；
and； if they do they can't bear malice for six months。
We will begin to make it up with them about next
February； and let next year take care of itself。 We
shall have no dinners from the dinner…giving Snobs： no
more from the ball…givers： no more CONVERSAZIONES （thank
Mussy！ as Jeames says；） from the Conversaziones Snob： and
what is to prevent us from telling the truth？
The snobbishness of Conversazione Snobs is very soon
disposed of： as soon as that cup of washy bohea is handed
to you in the tea…room； or the muddy remnant of ice that
you grasp in the suffocating scuffle of the assembly
upstairs。
Good heavens！ What do people mean by going there？ What
is done there； that everybody throngs into those three
little rooms？ Was the Black Hole considered to be an
agreeable REUNION； that Britons in the dog…days here seek
to imitate it？ After being rammed to a jelly in a door…
way （where you feel your feet going through Lady Barbara
Macbeth's lace flounces； and get a look from that haggard
and painted old harpy； compared to which the gaze of
Ugolino is quite cheerful）； after withdrawing your elbow
out of poor gasping Bob Guttleton's white waistcoat； from
which cushion it was impossible to remove it； though you
knew you were squeezing poor Bob into an apoplexyyou
find yourself at last in the reception…room； and try to
catch the eye of Mrs。 Botibol； the CONVERSAZIONE…giver。
When you catch her eye； you are expected to grin； and she
smiles too； for the four hundredth time that night； and；
if she's very glad to see you； waggles her little hand
before her face as if to blow you a kiss； as the phrase
is。
Why the deuce should Mrs。 Botibol blow me a kiss？ I
wouldn't kiss her for the world。 Why do I grin when I
see her； as if I was delighted？ Am I？ I don't care a
straw for Mrs。 Botibol。 I know what she thinks about me。
I know what she said about my last volume of poems （I had
it from a dear mutual friend）。 Why； I say in a word； are
we going on ogling and telegraphing each other in this
insane way？
Because we are both performing the ceremonies demanded by
the Great Snob Society； whose dictates we all of us obey。
Well； the recognition is overmy jaws have returned to
their usual English expression of subdued agony and
intense gloom； and the Botibol is grinning and kissing
her fingers to somebody else； who is squeezing through
the aperture by which we have just entered。 It is Lady
Ann Clutterbuck； who has her Friday evenings； as Botibol
（Botty； we call her；） has Wednesdays。 That is Miss
Clementina Clutterbuck the cadaverous young woman in
green； with florid auburn hair； who has published her
volume of poems （'The Death…Shriek；' 'Damiens；' 'The
Faggot of Joan of Arc；' and 'Translations from the
German' of course）。 The conversazione…women salute each
other calling each other 'My dear Lady Ann' and 'My dear