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pig's…head mock…turtle soup； of pig's fry and roast ribs
of pork； I am led to imagine that one of Ponto's black
Hampshires had been sacrificed a short time previous to
my visit。 It was an excellent and comfortable repast；
only there WAS rather a sameness in it； certainly。 I
made a similar remark the next day'。
During the dinner Mrs。 Ponto asked me many questions
regarding the nobility； my relatives。 'When Lady
Angelina Skeggs would come out； and if the countess her
mamma' （this was said with much archness and he…he…ing）
'still wore that extraordinary purple hair…dye？'
'Whether my Lord Guttlebury kept； besides his French
chef； and an English cordonbleu for the roasts； an
Italian for the confectionery？'
'Who attended at Lady Clapperclaw's conversazioni？' and
'whether Sir John Champignon's 〃Thursday Mornings〃 were
pleasant？' 'Was it true that Lady Carabas； wanting to
pawn her diamonds； found that they were paste； and that
the Marquis had disposed of them beforehand？' 'How was
it that Snuffin； the great tobacco…merchant； broke off
the marriage which was on the tapis between him and their
second daughter； and was it true that a mulatto lady came
over from the Havanna and forbade the match？'
'Upon my word； Madam；' I had begun； and was going on to
say that I didn't know one word about all these matters
which seemed so to interest Mrs。 Major Ponto； when the
Major； giving me a tread or stamp with his large foot
under the table； said 'Come； come； Snob my boy； we are
all tiled； you know。 We KNOW you're one of the
fashionable people about town： we saw your name at Lady
Clapperclaw's SOIREES； and the Champignon breakfasts； and
as for the Rubadubs； of course； as relations …'
'Oh； of course； I dine there twice a…week；' I said； and
then I remembered that my cousin； Humphry Snob； of the
Middle Temple； IS a great frequenter of genteel
societies； and to have seen his name in the MORNING POST
at the tag…end of several party lists。 So； taking the
hint； I am ashamed to say I indulged Mrs。 Major Ponto
with a deal of information about the first families in
England； such as would astonish those great personages if
they knew it。 I described to her most accurately the
three reigning beauties of last season at Almack's： told
her in confidence that his Grace the D… of W… was
going to be married the day after his Statue was put up；
that his Grace the D… of D… was also about to lead
the fourth daughter of the Archduke Stephen to the
hymeneal altar：and talked to her； in a word； just in
the style of Mrs。 Gore's last fashionable novel。
Mrs。 Major was quite fascinated by this brilliant
conversation。 She began to trot out scraps of French；
just for all the world as they do in the novels； and
kissed her hand to me quite graciously； telling me to
come soon to caffy； UNG PU DE MUSICK O SALONGwith which
she tripped off like an elderly fairy。
'Shall I open a bottle of port； or do you ever drink such
a thing as Hollands and water？' says Ponto； looking
ruefully at me。 This was a very different style of thing
to what I had been led to expect from him at our smoking…
room at the Club： where he swaggers about his horses and
his cellar： and slapping me on the shoulder used to say；
'Come down to Mangelwurzelshire； Snob my boy； and I'll
give you as good a day's shooting and as good a glass of
claret as any in the county。''Well；' I said； 'I like
Hollands much better than port； and gin even better than
Hollands。' This was lucky。 It WAS gin； and Stripes
brought in hot water on a splendid plated tray。
The jingling of a harp and piano soon announced that Mrs。
Ponto's ung PU DE MUSICK had commenced； and the smell of
the stable again entering the dining…room； in the person
of Stripes； summoned us to CAFFY and the little concert。
She beckoned me with a winning smile to the sofa； on
which she made room for me； and where we could command a
fine view of the backs of the young ladies who were
performing the musical entertainment。 Very broad backs
they were too； strictly according to the present mode；
for crinoline or its substitutes is not an expensive
luxury； and young people in the country can afford to be
in the fashion at very trifling charges。 Miss Emily
Ponto at the piano； and her sister Maria at that somewhat
exploded instrument； the harp； were in light blue dresses
that looked all flounce； and spread out like Mr。 Green's
balloon when inflated。
'Brilliant touch Emily haswhat a fine arm Maria's is；'
Mrs。 Ponto remarked good…naturedly； pointing out the
merits of her daughters； and waving her own arm in such a
way as to show that she was not a little satisfied with
the beauty of that member。 I observed she had about nine
bracelets and bangles； consisting of chains and padlocks；
the Major's miniature； and a variety of brass serpents
with fiery ruby or tender turquoise eyes； writhing up to
her elbow almost； in the most profuse contortions。
'You recognize those polkas？ They were played at
Devonshire House on the 23rd of July； the day of the
grand f？te。' So I said yesI knew 'em quite intimately；
and began wagging my head as if in acknowledgment of
those old friends。
When the performance was concluded； I had the felicity of
a presentation and conversation with the two tall and
scraggy Miss Pontos； and Miss Wirt； the governess； sat
down to entertain us with variations on 'Sich a gettin'
up Stairs。' They were determined to be in the fashion。
For the performance of the 'Gettin' up Stairs；' I have no
other name but that it was a STUNNER。 First Miss Wirt；
with great deliberation； played the original and
beautiful melody； cutting it； as it were； out of the
instrument； and firing off each note so loud； clear； and
sharp； that I am sure Stripes must have heard it in the
stable。
'What a finger！' says Mrs。 Ponto； and indeed it WAS a
finger； as knotted as a turkey's drumstick； and splaying
all over the piano。 When she had banged out the tune
slowly； she began a different manner of 'Gettin' up
Stairs；' and did so with a fury and swiftness quite
incredible。 She spun up stairs； she whirled up stairs：
she galloped up stairs； she rattled up stairs； and then
having got the tune to the top landing； as it were； she
hurled it down again shrieking to the bottom floor； where
it sank in a crash as if exhausted by the breathless
rapidity of the descent。 Then Miss Wirt played the
'Gettin' up Stairs' with the most pathetic and ravishing
solemnity： plaintive moans and sobs issued from the keys…
…you wept and trembled as you were gettin' up stairs。
Miss Wirt's hands seemed to faint and wail and die in
variations： again； and she went up with a savage clang
and rush of trumpets； as if Miss Wirt was storming a
breach； and although I knew nothing of music； as I sat
and listened with my mouth open to this wonderful
display； my CAFFY grew cold； and I wondered the windows
did no