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Schneider dressed； and what his Royal Highness said when
he came down to shoot； and who was there？ 〃What a
blessing that boy is to me！〃 said she； as my pimple…faced
young friend moved off to resume smoking operations with
Gules in the now vacant kitchen ；and poor Ponto's
dreary and desperate look； shall I ever forget that？
O you parents and guardians！ O you men and women of
sense in England！ O you legislators about to assemble in
Parliament！ read over that tailor's bill above printed；
read over that absurd catalogue of insane gimcracks and
madman's tomfooleryand say how are you ever to get rid
of Snobbishness when society does so much for its
education？
Three hundred and forty pounds for a young chap's saddle
and breeches！ Before George； I would rather be a
Hottentot or a Highlander。 We laugh at poor Jocko； the
monkey； dancing in uniform； or at poor Jeames； the
flunkey； with his quivering calves and plush tights； or
at the nigger Marquis of Marmalade； dressed out with
sabre and epaulets； and giving himself the airs of a
field…marshal。 Lo！ is not one of the Queen's Pyebalds；
in full fig； as great and foolish a monster？
CHAPTER XXX
ON SOME COUNTRY SNOBS
At last came that fortunate day at the Evergreens； when I
was to be made acquainted with some of the 'county
families' with whom only people of Ponto's rank
condescended to associate。 And now； although poor Ponto
had just been so cruelly made to bleed on occasion of his
son's new uniform； and though he was in the direst and
most cut…throat spirits with an overdrawn account at the
banker's； and other pressing evils of poverty； although a
tenpenny bottle of Marsala and an awful parsimony
presided generally at his table； yet the poor fellow was
obliged to assume the most frank and jovial air of
cordiality； and all the covers being removed from the
hangings； and new dresses being procured for the young
ladies； and the family plate being unlocked and
displayed； the house and all within assumed a benevolent
and festive appearance。 The kitchen fires began to
blaze； the good wine ascended from the cellar； a
professed cook actually came over from Guttlebury to
compile culinary abominations。 Stripes was in a new
coat； and so was Ponto； for a wonder； and Tummus's
button…suit was worn EN PERMANENCE。
And all this to show off the little lord； thinks I。 All
this in honour of a stupid little cigarrified Cornet of
dragoons； who can barely write his name；while an
eminent and profound moralist likesomebodyis fobbed
off with cold mutton and relays of pig。 Well； well： a
martyrdom of cold mutton is just bearable。 I pardon Mrs。
Ponto； from my heart I do； especially as I wouldn't turn
out of the best bed…room； in spite of all her hints； but
held my ground in the chintz tester； vowing that Lord
Gules； as a young man； was quite small and hardy enough
to make himself comfortable elsewhere。
The great Ponto party was a very august one。 The
Hawbucks came in their family coach； with the blood…red
band emblazoned all over it： and their man in yellow
livery waited in country fashion at table； only to be
exceeded in splendour by the Hipsleys； the opposition
baronet； in light blue。 The old Ladies Fitzague drove
over in their little old chariot with the fat black
horses； the fat coachman； the fat footman（why are
dowagers' horses and footmen always fat？） And soon after
these personages had arrived； with their auburn fronts
and red beaks and turbans； came the Honourable and
Reverend Lionel Pettipois； who with General and Mrs。 Sago
formed the rest of the party。 'Lord and Lady Frederick
Howlet were asked； but they have friends at Ivybush；'
Mrs。 Ponto told me； and that very morning； the
Castlehaggards sent an excuse； as her ladyship had a
return of the quinsy。 Between ourselves； Lady
Castlehaggard's quinsy always comes on when there is
dinner at the Evergreens。
If the keeping of polite company could make a woman
happy； surely my kind hostess Mrs。 Ponto was on that day
a happy woman。 Every person present （except the unlucky
impostor who pretended to a connexion with the
Snobbington Family； and General Sago； who had brought
home I don't know how many lacs of rupees from India；）
was related to the Peerage or the Baronetage。 Mrs。 P。
had her heart's desire。 If she had been an Earl's
daughter herself could she have expected better company？…
…and her family were in the oil…trade at Bristol； as all
her friends very well know。
What I complained of in my heart was not the dining
which； for this once； was plentiful and comfortable
enoughbut the prodigious dulness of the talking part of
the entertainment。 O my beloved brother Snobs of the
City； if we love each other no better than our country
brethren； at least we amuse each other more； if we bore
ourselves； we are not called upon to go ten miles to do
it！
For instance； the Hipsleys came ten miles from the south；
and the Hawbucks ten miles from the north； of the
Evergreens； and were magnates in two different divisions
of the county of Mangelwurzelshire。 Hipsley； who is an
old baronet； with a bothered estate； did not care to show
his contempt for Hawbuck； who is a new creation； and
rich。 Hawbuck； on his part； gives himself patronizing
airs to General Sago； who looks upon the Pontos as little
better than paupers。 'Old Lady Blanche；' says Ponto； 'I
hope will leave something to her god…daughtermy second
girlwe've all of us half…poisoned ourselves with taking
her physic。'
Lady Blanche and Lady Rose Fitzague have； the first； a
medical； and the second a literary turn。 I am inclined
to believe the former had a wet COMPRESSE around her
body； on the occasion when I had the happiness of meeting
her。 She doctors everybody in the neighbourhood of which
she is the ornament； and has tried everything on her own
person。 She went into Court； and testified publicly her
faith in St。 John Long： she swore by Doctor Buchan； she
took quantities of Gambouge's Universal Medicine； and
whole boxfuls of Parr's Life Pills。 She has cured a
multiplicity of headaches by Squinstone's Eye…snuff； she
wears a picture of Hahnemann in her bracelet and a lock
of Priessnitz's hair in a brooch。 She talked about her
own complaints and those of her CONFIDANTE for the time
being； to every lady in the room successively； from our
hostess down to Miss Wirt； taking them into corners； and
whispering about bronchitis； hepatitis； St。 Vitus；
neuralgia； cephalalgia； and so forth。 I observed poor
fat Lady Hawbuck in a dreadful alarm after some
communication regarding the state of her daughter Miss
Lucy Hawbuck's health； and Mrs。 Sago turned quite yellow；
and put down her third glass of Madeira； at a warning
glance from Lady Blanche。
Lady Rose talked literature； and about the book…club at
Guttlebury； and is very strong in voyages and travels。
She has a prodigious inter