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tracts and his talk； but his money and his means to his
people。 As a lord's son； by the way； Mrs。 Ponto is
uncommonly anxious that he should marry EITHER of the
girls whom Lord Gules does not intend to choose。
Well； although Pon's income would make up almost as much
as that of these three worthies put together oh； my
dear Madam； see in what hopeless penury the poor fellow
lives！ What tenant can look to HIS forbearance？ What
poor man can hope for HIS charity？ 'Master's the best of
men；' honest Stripes says； 'and when we was in the
ridgment a more free…handed chap didn't live。 But the
way in which Missus DU scryou； I wonder the young ladies
is alive； that I du！'
They live upon a fine governess and fine masters； and
have clothes made by Lady Carabas's own milliner； and
their brother rides with earls to cover； and only the
best people in the county visit at the Evergreens； and
Mrs。 Ponto thinks herself a paragon of wives and mothers；
and a wonder of the world； for doing all this misery and
humbug； and snobbishness； on a thousand a year。
What an inexpressible comfort it was； my dear Madam； when
Stripes put my portmanteau in the four…wheeled chaise；
and （poor P on being touched with sciatica） drove me over
to 'Carabas Arms' at Guttlebury； where we took leave。
There were some bagmen there in the Commercial Room； and
one talked about the house he represented； and another
about his dinner； and a third about the Inns on the road；
and so fortha talk； not very wise； but honest and to
the purposeabout as good as that of the country
gentlemen： and oh； how much pleasanter than listening to
Miss Wirt's show…pieces on the piano； and Mrs。 Ponto's
genteel cackle about the fashion and the county families！
CHAPTER XXXII
SNOBBIUM GATHERUM
WHEN I see the great effect which these papers are
producing on an intelligent public； I have a strong hope
that before long we shall have a regular Snob department
in the newspapers； just as we have the Police Courts and
the Court News at present。 When a flagrant case of bone…
crushing or Poor…law abuse occurs in the world； who so
eloquent as THE TIMES to point it out？ When a gross
instance of Snobbishness happens； why should not the
indignant journalist call the public attention to that
delinquency too？
How； for instance； could that wonderful case of the Earl
of Mangelwurzel and his brother be examined in the
Snobbish point of view？ Let alone the hectoring； the
bullying； the vapouring； the bad grammar； the mutual
recriminations； lie…givings； challenges； retractations；
which abound in the fraternal disputeput out of the
question these points as concerning the individual
nobleman and his relative； with whose personal affairs we
have nothing to doand consider how intimately corrupt；
how habitually grovelling and mean； how entirely Snobbish
in a word； a whole county must be which can find no
better chiefs or leaders than these two gentlemen。 'We
don't want；' the great county of Mangelwurzelshire seems
to say； 'that a man should be able to write good grammar；
or that he should keep a Christian tongue in his head； or
that he should have the commonest decency of temper； or
even a fair share of good sense； in order to represent us
in Parliament。
All we require is； that a man should be recommended to us
by the Earl of Mangelwurzelshire。 And all that we
require of the Earl of Mangelwurzelshire is that he
should have fifty thousand a year and hunt the country。'
O you pride of all Snobland！ O you crawling； truckling；
self…confessed lackeys and parasites！
But this is growing too savage： don't let us forget our
usual amenity； and that tone of playfulness and sentiment
with which the beloved reader and writer have pursued
their mutual reflections hitherto。 Well； Snobbishness
pervades the little Social Farce as well as the great
State Comedy； and the self…same moral is tacked to
either。
There was； for instance； an account in the papers of a
young lady who； misled by a fortune…teller； actually went
part of the way to India （as far as Bagnigge Wells； I
think；） in search of a husband who was promised her
there。 Do you suppose this poor deluded little soul
would have left her shop for a man below her in rank； or
for anything but a darling of a Captain in epaulets and a
red coat。 It was her Snobbish sentiment that misled her；
and made her vanities a prey to the swindling fortune…
teller。
Case 2 was that of Mademoiselle de Saugrenue； 'the
interesting young Frenchwoman with a profusion of jetty
ringlets；' who lived for nothing at a boardinghouse at
Gosport； was then conveyed to Fareham gratis： and being
there； and lying on the bed of the good old lady her
entertainer； the dear girl took occasion to rip open the
mattress； and steal a cash…box； with which she fled to
London。 How would you account for the prodigious
benevolence exercised towards the interesting young
French lady？ Was it her jetty ringlets or her charming
face？Bah！ Do ladies love others for having faces and
black hair？she said SHE WAS A RELATION OF de Saugrenue：
talked of her ladyship her aunt； and of herself as a De
Saugrenue。 The honest boarding…house people were at her
feet at once。 Good； honest； simple； lord…loving children
of Snobland。
Finally； there was the case of 'the Right Honourable Mr。
Vernon；' at York。 The Right Honourable was the son of a
nobleman； and practised on an old lady。 He procured from
her dinners； money； wearing…apparel； spoons； implicit
credence； and an entire refit of linen。 Then he cast his
nets over a family of father； mother； and daughters； one
of whom he proposed to marry。 The father lent him money；
the mother made jams and pickles for him； the daughters
vied with each other in cooking dinners for the Right
Honourableand what was the end？ One day the traitor
fled； with a teapot and a basketful of cold victuals。 It
was the 'Right Honourable' which baited the hook which
gorged all these greedy； simple Snobs。 Would they have
been taken in by a commoner？ What old lady is there； my
dear sir； who would take in you and me； were we ever so
ill to do； and comfort us； and clothe us； and give us her
money； and her silver forks？ Alas and alas！ what mortal
man that speaks the truth can hope for such a landlady？
And yet； all these instances of fond and credulous
Snobbishness have occurred in the same week's paper； with
who knows how many score more？
Just as we had concluded the above remarks comes a pretty
little note sealed with a pretty little butterfly
bearing a northern postmarkand to the following
effect：…
'19th November。
'Mr。 Punch；'Taking great interest in your Snob Papers；
we are very anxious to know under what class of that
respectable fraternity you would designate us。
'We are three sisters； from seventeen to twenty…two。 Our
father is HONESTLY AND TRULY of a very g