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'We are three sisters； from seventeen to twenty…two。 Our
father is HONESTLY AND TRULY of a very good family （you
will say it is Snobbish to mention that； but I wish to
state the plain fact）； our maternal grandfather was an
Earl。' （1）
'We CAN afford to take in a stamped edition of YOU； and
all Dickens' works as fast as they come out； but we do
NOT keep such a thing as a PEERAGE or even a BARONETAGE
in the house。
'We live with every comfort； excellent cellar； &c。 &c。；
but as we cannot well afford a butler； we have a neat
table…maid （though our father was a military man； has
travelled much； been in the best society； &c。） We HAVE a
coachman and helper； but we don't put the latter into
buttons； nor make them wait at table； like Stripes and
Tummus。' （2）
'We are just the same to persons with a handle to their
name as to those without it。 We wear a moderate modicum
of crinoline； （3）and are never limp （4） in the morning。
We have good and abundant dinners on CHINA （though we
have plate （5）； and just as good when alone as with
company。
'Now； my dear MR。 PUNCH； will you PLEASE give us a short
answer in your next number； and I will be SO much obliged
to you。 Nobody knows we are writing to you； not even our
father； nor will we ever tease （6） you again if you will
only give us an answerjust for FUN； now do！
'If you get as far as this； which is doubtful； you will
probably fling it into the fire。 If you do； I cannot
help it； but I am of a sanguine disposition； and
entertain a lingering hope。 At all events； I shall be
impatient for next Sunday； for you reach us on that day；
and I am ashamed to confess； we CANNOT resist opening you
in the carriage driving home from church。 （7）
'I remain； &c。 &c。； for myself and sisters。
Excuse this scrawl； but I always write headlong。 （8）
'P。 S。You were rather stupid last week； don't you
think？ （9） We keep no gamekeeper； and yet have always
abundant game for friends to shoot； in spite of the
poachers。 We never write on perfumed paperin short； I
can't help thinking that if you knew us you would not
think us Snobs。'
To this I reply in the following manner：'My dear young
ladies； I know your post…town： and shall be at church
there the Sunday AFTER next； when； will you please to
wear a tulip or some little trifle in your bonnets； so
that I may know you？ You will recognize me and my dress…
…a quiet…looking young fellow； in a white top…coat； a
crimson satin neckcloth； light blue trousers； with glossy
tipped boots； and an emerald breast…pin。 I shall have a
black crape round my white hat； and my usual bamboo cane
with the richly…gilt knob。 I am sorry there will be no
time to get up moustaches between now and next week。
'From seventeen to two…and…twenty！ Ye gods！ what ages！
Dear young creatures； I can see you all three。 Seventeen
suits me； as nearest my own time of life； but mind； I
don't say two…and…twenty is too old。 No； no。 And that
pretty； roguish； demure； middle one。 Peace； peace； thou
silly little fluttering heart！
'YOU Snobs； dear young ladies！ I will pull any man's
nose who says so。 There is no harm in being of a good
family。 You can't help it； poor dears。 What's in a
name？ What is in a handle to it？ I confess openly that
I should not object to being a Duke myself； and between
ourselves you might see a worse leg for a garter。
'YOU Snobs； dear little good…natured things； no that is；
I hope notI think notI won't be too confidentnone
of us should bethat we are not Snobs。 That very
confidence savours of arrogance； and to be arrogant is to
be a Snob。 In all the social gradations from sneak to
tyrant； nature has placed a most wondrous and various
progeny of Snobs。 But are there no kindly natures； no
tender hearts； no souls humble； simple； and truth…loving？
Ponder well on this question； sweet young ladies。 And if
you can answer it； as no doubt you canlucky are you
and lucky the respected Herr Papa； and lucky the three
handsome young gentlemen who are about to become each
others' brothers…in…law。'
（1） The introduction of Grandpapa； is I fear； Snobbish。
（2） That is； as you like。 I don't object to buttons in
moderation。
（3） Quite right。
（4） Bless you！
（5） Snobbish； and I doubt whether you ought to dine as
well alone as with company。 You will be getting too good
dinners。
（6） We like to be teased； but tell Papa。
（7） O garters and stars！ what will Captain Gordon and
Exeter Hall say to this？
（8） Dear little enthusiast！
（9） You were never more mistaken； miss； in your life。
CHAPTER XXXIII
SNOBS AND MARRIAGE
Everybody of the middle rank who walks through this life
with a sympathy for his companions on the same journey
at any rate； every man who has been jostling in the world
for some three or four lustresmust make no end of
melancholy reflections upon the fate of those victims
whom Society； that is； Snobbishness； is immolating every
day。 With love and simplicity and natural kindness
Snobbishness is perpetually at war。 People dare not be
happy for fear of Snobs。 People dare not love for fear
of Snobs。 People pine away lonely under the tyranny of
Snobs。 Honest kindly hearts dry up and die。 Gallant
generous lads； blooming with hearty youth； swell into
bloated old…bachelorhood； and burst and tumble over。
Tender girls wither into shrunken decay； and perish
solitary； from whom Snobbishness has cut off the common
claim to happiness and affection with which Nature
endowed us all。 My heart grows sad as I see the
blundering tyrant's handiwork。 As I behold it I swell
with cheap rage； and glow with fury against the Snob。
Come down； I say； thou skulking dulness！ Come down； thou
stupid bully； and give up thy brutal ghost！ And I arm
myself with the sword and spear； and taking leave of my
family； go forth to do battle with that hideous ogre and
giant； that brutal despot in Snob Castle； who holds so
many gentle hearts in torture and thrall。
When PUNCH is king； I declare there shall be no such
thing as old maids and old bachelors。 The Reverend Mr。
Malthus shall be burned annually； instead of Guy Fawkes。
Those who don't marry shall go into the workhouse。 It
shall be a sin for the poorest not to have a pretty girl
to love him。
The above reflections came to mind after taking a walk
with an old comrade； Jack Spiggot by name； who is just
passing into the state of old…bachelorhood； after the
manly and blooming youth in which I remember him。 Jack
was one of the handsomest fellows in England when we
entered together in the Highland Buffs； but I quitted the
Cuttykilts early； and lost sight of him for many years。
Ah！ how changed he is from those days！ He wears a
waistband now； and has begun to dye his whiskers。 His
cheeks； which were red； are now mottled； his eyes； once
so bright and steadfast； are the