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astonishment when Fanny got up as if to go！
'Gracious mercy！ let ME；' cries Goldmore。
'Not for worlds； my dear sir。 She's used to it。 They
wouldn't serve you as well as they serve her。 Leave her
alone。 Law bless you！' Raymond said； with astounding
composure。 And Mrs。 Gray left the room； and actually
came back with a tray on which there was a pewter flagon
of beer。 Little Polly （to whom； at her christening； I
had the honour of presenting a silver mug EX OFFICIO）
followed with a couple of tobacco…pipes； and the queerest
roguish look in her round little chubby face。
'Did you speak to Tapling about the gin； Fanny； my dear？'
Gray asked； after bidding Polly put the pipes on the
chimney…piece； which that little person had some
difficulty in reaching。 'The last was turpentine； and
even your brewing didn't make good punch of it。'
'You would hardly suspect； Goldmore； that my wife； a
Harley Baker； would ever make gin…punch？ I think my
mother…in…law would commit suicide if she saw her。'
'Don't be always laughing at mamma； Raymond；' says Mrs。
Gray。
'Well； well； she wouldn't die； and I DON'T wish she
would。 And you don't make gin…punch； and you don't like
it either andGoldmore do you drink your beer out of the
glass； or out of the pewter？'
'Gracious mercy！' ejaculates Croesus once more； as little
Polly； taking the pot with both her little bunches of
hands； offers it； smiling； to that astonished Director。
And so； in a word； the dinner commenced； and was
presently ended in a similar fashion。 Gray pursued his
unfortunate guest with the most queer and outrageous
description of his struggles； misery； and poverty。 He
described how he cleaned the knives when they were first
married； and how he used to drag the children in a little
cart； how his wife could toss pancakes； and what parts of
his dress she made。 He told Tibbits； his clerk （who was
in fact the functionary who had brought the beer from the
public…house； which Mrs。 Fanny had fetched from the
neighbouring apartment）to fetch 'the bottle of port…
wine；' when the dinner was over； and told Goldmore as
wonderful a history about the way in which that bottle of
wine had come into his hands as any of his former stories
had been。 When the repast was all over； and it was near
time to move to the play； and Mrs。 Gray had retired； and
we were sitting ruminating rather silently over the last
glasses of the port； Gray suddenly breaks the silence by
slapping Goldmore on the shoulder； and saying； 'Now；
Goldmore； tell me something。'
'What？' asks Croesus。
'Haven't you had a good dinner？'
Goldmore started； as if a sudden truth had just dawned
upon him。 He HAD had a good dinner； and didn't know it
until then。 The three mutton…chops consumed by him were
best of the mutton kind； the potatoes were perfect of
their order； as for the rolypoly； it was too good。 The
porter was frothy and cool； and the port…wine was worthy
of the gills of a bishop。 I speak with ulterior views；
for there is more in Gray's cellar。
'Well；' says Goldmore； after a pause； during which he
took time to consider the momentous question Gray put to
him' 'Pon my wordnow you say soII haveI really
have had a monsous good dinnah monsous good； upon my
ward！ Here's your health； Gray my boy； and your amiable
lady； and when Mrs。 Goldmore comes back； I hope we shall
see you more in Portland Place。' And with this the time
came for the play； and we went to see Mr。 Phelps at
Sadler's Wells。 The best of this story （for the truth of
every word of which I pledge my honour） is； that after
this banquet； which Goldmore enjoyed so； the honest
fellow felt a prodigious compassion and regard for the
starving and miserable giver of the feast； and determined
to help him in his profession。 And being a Director of
the newly…established Antibilious Life Assurance Company；
he has had Gray appointed Standing Counsel； with a pretty
annual fee； and only yesterday； in an appeal from Bombay
（Buckmuckjee Bobbachee v。 Ramchowder…Bahawder） in the
Privy Council； Lord Brougham complimented Mr。 Gray； who
was in the case； on his curious and exact knowledge of
the Sanscrit language。
Whether he knows Sanscrit or not； I can't say； but
Goldmore got him the business； and so I cannot help
having a lurking regard for that pompous old Bigwig。
CHAPTER XXXVI
SNOBS AND MARRIAGE
'We Bachelors in Clubs are very much obliged to you；〃
says my old school and college companion； Essex Temple；
'for the opinion which you hold of us。 You call us
selfish； purple…faced； bloated； and other pretty names。
You state； in the simplest possible terms； that we shall
go to the deuce。 You bid us rot in loneliness； and deny
us all claims to honesty； conduct； decent Christian life。
Who are you； Mr。 Snob； to judge us。 Who are you； with
your infernal benevolent smirk and grin； that laugh at
all our generation？
'I will tell you my case；' says Essex Temple； 'mine and
my sister Polly's； and you may make what you like of it；
and sneer at old maids； and bully old bachelors； if you
will。
'I will whisper to you confidentially that my sister was
engaged to Serjeant Shirkera fellow whose talents one
cannot deny； and be hanged to them； but whomwhom I have
always known to be mean； selfish； and a prig。 However；
women don't see these faults in the men whom Love throws
in their way。 Shirker； who has about as much warmth as
an eel； made up to Polly years and years ago； and was no
bad match for a briefless barrister； as he was then。
Have you ever read Lord Eldon's Life？ Do you remember
how the sordid old Snob narrates his going out to
purchase twopence…worth of sprats； which he and Mrs。
Scott fried between them？ And how he parades his
humility； and exhibits his miserable povertyhe who； at
that time； must have been making a thousand pounds a
year？ Well； Shirker was just as proud of his prudence
just as thankful for his own meanness； and of course
would not marry without a competency。 Who so honourable？
Polly waited； and waited faintly； from year to year。 HE
wasn't sick at heart； HIS passion never disturbed his six
hours' sleep； or kept his ambition out of mind。 He would
rather have hugged an attorney any day than have kissed
Polly； though she was one of the prettiest creatures in
the world； and while she was pining alone upstairs；
reading over the stock of half…a…dozen frigid letters
that the confounded prig had condescended to write to
her； HE； be sure； was never busy with anything but his
briefs in chambersalways frigid； rigid； self…satisfied；
and at his duty。 The marriage trailed on year after
year； while Mr。 Serjeant Shirker grew to be the famous
lawyer he is。
'Meanwhile； my younger brother； Pump Temple； who was in
the 120th Hussars； and had the same little patrimony
which fell to the lot of myself and Polly； must fall in
love with