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the 120th Hussars； and had the same little patrimony
which fell to the lot of myself and Polly； must fall in
love with our cousin； Fanny Figtree； and marry her out of
hand。 You should have seen the wedding！ Six bridesmaids
in pink； to hold the fan； bouquet； gloves； scent…bottle；
and pocket…handkerchief of the bride； basketfuls of white
favours in the vestry； to be pinned on to the footmen and
horses； a genteel congregation of curious acquaintance in
the pews； a shabby one of poor on the steps； all the
carriages of all our acquaintance； whom Aunt Figtree had
levied for the occasion； and of course four horses for
Mr。 Pump's bridal vehicle。
'Then comes the breakfast； or DEJEUNER； if you please；
with a brass band in the street； and policemen to keep
order。 The happy bridegroom spends about a year's income
in dresses for the bridesmaids and pretty presents； and
the bride must have a TROUSSEAU of laces； satins； jewel…
boxes and tomfoolery； to make her fit to be a
lieutenant's wife。 There was no hesitation about Pump。
He flung about his money as if it had been dross； and
Mrs。 P。 Temple； on the horse Tom Tiddler； which her
husband gave her； was the most dashing of military women
at Brighton or Dublin。
How old Mrs。 Figtree used to bore me and Polly with
stories of Pump's grandeur and the noble company he kept！
Polly lives with the Figtrees； as I am not rich enough to
keep a home for her。
'Pump and I have always been rather distant。 Not having
the slightest notions about horseflesh； he has a natural
contempt for me； and in our mother's lifetime； when the
good old lady was always paying his debts and petting
him； I'm not sure there was not a little jealousy。 It
used to be Polly that kept the peace between us。
'She went to Dublin to visit Pump； and brought back grand
accounts of his doingsgayest man about townAide…de…
Camp to the Lord…LieutenantFanny admired everywhere
Her Excellency godmother to the second boy： the eldest
with a string of aristocratic Christian…names that made
the grandmother wild with delight。 Presently Fanny and
Pump obligingly came to London； where the third was born。
'Polly was godmother to this； and who so loving as she
and Pump now？ 〃Oh； Essex；〃 says she to me； 〃he is so
good； so generous； so fond of his family； so
handsome； who can help loving him； and pardoning his
little errors？〃 One day； while Mrs。 Pump was yet in the
upper regions； and Doctor Fingerfee's brougham
at her door every day； having business at Guildhall； whom
should I meet in Cheapside but Pump and Polly？ The poor
girl looked more happy and rosy
than I have seen her these twelve years。 Pump； on the
contrary； was rather blushing and embarrassed。
'I couldn't be mistaken in her face and its look of
mischief and triumph。 She had been committing some act
of sacrifice。 I went to the family stockbroker。 She had
sold out two thousand pounds that morning and given them
to Pump。 Quarrelling was uselessPump had the money； he
was off to Dublin by the time I reached his mother's； and
Polly radiant still。 He was going to make his fortune；
he was going to embark the money in the Bog of AllenI
don't know what。 The fact is； he was going to pay his
losses upon the last Manchester steeple…chase； and I
leave you to imagine how much principal or interest poor
Polly ever saw back again。
'It was more than half her fortune； and he has had
another thousand since from her。 Then came efforts to
stave off ruin and prevent exposure； struggles on all our
parts； and sacrifices； that' （here Mr。 Essex Temple began
to hesitate）'that needn't be talked of； but they are of
no more use than such sacrifices ever are。 Pump and his
wife are abroadI don't like to ask where； Polly has the
three children； and Mr。 Serjeant Shirker has formally
written to break off an engagement； on the conclusion of
which Miss Temple must herself have speculated； when she
alienated the greater part of her fortune。
'And here's your famous theory of poor marriages！' Essex
Temple cries； concluding the above history。 'How do you
know that I don't want to marry myself？ How do you dare
sneer at my poor sister？ What are we but martyrs of the
reckless marriage system which Mr。 Snob； forsooth；
chooses to advocate？' And he thought he had the better
of the argument； which； strange to say； is not my
opinion。
But for the infernal Snob…worship； might not every one of
these people be happy？ If poor Polly's happiness lay in
linking her tender arms round such a heartless prig as
the sneak who has deceived her； she might have been happy
nowas happy as Raymond Raymond in the ballad； with the
stone statue by his side。 She is wretched because Mr。
Serjeant Shirker worships money and ambition； and is a
Snob and a coward。
If the unfortunate Pump Temple and his giddy hussy of a
wife have ruined themselves； and dragged down others into
their calamity； it is because they loved rank； and
horses； and plate； and carriages； and COURT GUIDES； and
millinery； and would sacrifice all to attain those
objects。
And who misguides them？ If the world were more simple；
would not those foolish people follow the fashion？ Does
not the world love COURT GUIDES； and millinery； and
plate； and carriages？ Mercy on us！ Read the fashionable
intelligence； read the COURT CIRCULAR； read the genteel
novels； survey mankind； from Pimlico to Red Lion Square；
and see how the Poor Snob is aping the Rich Snob； how the
Mean Snob is grovelling at the feet of the Proud Snob；
and the Great Snob is lording it over his humble brother。
Does the idea of equality ever enter Dives' head？ Will
it ever？ Will the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe （I like a
good name） ever believe that Lady Croesus； her next…door
neighbour in Belgrave Square； is as good a lady as her
Grace？ Will Lady Croesus ever leave off pining the
Duchess's parties； and cease patronizing Mrs。 Broadcloth
whose husband has not got his Baronetcy yet？ Will Mrs。
Broadcloth ever heartily shake hands with Mrs。 Seedy； and
give up those odious calculations about poor dear Mrs。
Seedy's income？ Will Mrs。 Seedy who is starving in her
great house； go and live comfortably in a little one； or
in lodgings？ Will her landlady； Miss Letsam； ever stop
wondering at the familiarity of tradespeople； or rebuking
the insolence of Suky； the maid； who wears flowers under
her bonnet like a lady？
But why hope； why wish for such times？ Do I wish all
Snobs to perish？ Do I wish these Snob papers to
determine？ Suicidal fool； art not thou； too； a Snob and
a brother？
CHAPTER XXXVII
CLUB SNOBS
As I wish to be particularly agreeable to the ladies （to
whom I make my most humble obeisance）； we will now； if
you please； commence maligning a class of Snobs against
whom； I believe； most female minds are embitteredI mean
Club Snobs。 I have very seldom heard even the most
gentle a