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Club Snobs。 I have very seldom heard even the most
gentle and placable woman speak without a little feeling
of bitterness against those social institutions； those
palaces swaggering in St。 James's； which are open to the
men； while the ladies have but their dingy three…windowed
brick boxes in Belgravia or in Paddingtonia； or in the
region between the road of Edgware and that of Gray's
Inn。
In my grandfather's time it used to be Freemasonry that
roused their anger。 It was my grand…aunt （whose portrait
we still have in the family） who got into the clock…case
at the Royal Rosicrucian Lodge at Bungay； Suffolk； to spy
the proceedings of the Society； of which her husband was
a member； and being frightened by the sudden whirring and
striking eleven of the clock （just as the Deputy…Grand…
Master was bringing in the mystic gridiron for the
reception of a neophyte）； rushed out into the midst of
the lodge assembled； and was elected； by a desperate
unanimity； Deputy…Grand…Mistress for life。 Though that
admirable and courageous female never subsequently
breathed a word with regard to the secrets of the
initiation； yet she inspired all our family with such a
terror regarding the mysteries of Jachin and Boaz； that
none of our family have ever since joined the Society； or
worn the dreadful Masonic insignia。
It is known that Orpheus was torn to pieces by some
justly indignant Thracian ladies for belonging to an
Harmonic Lodge。 'Let him go back to Eurydice；' they
said； 'whom he is pretending to regret so。' But the
history is given in Dr。 Lempriere's elegant dictionary in
a manner much more forcible than any
this feeble pen can attempt。 At once； then； and without
verbiage； let us take up this subject…matter of Clubs。
Clubs ought not； in my mind； to be permitted to
bachelors。 If my friend of the Cuttykilts had not our
club； the 'Union Jack；' to go to （I belong to the 'U。J。
and nine other similar institutions）； who knows but he
never would be a bachelor at this present moment？
Instead of being made comfortable； and cockered up with
every luxury； as they are at Clubs； bachelors ought to be
rendered profoundly miserable； in my opinion。 Every
encouragement should be given to the rendering their
spare time disagreeable。 There can be no more odious
object； according to my sentiments； than young Smith in
the pride of health； commanding his dinner of three
courses； than middle…aged Jones wallowing （as I may say）
in an easy padded arm…chair； over the delicious novel or
brilliant magazine； or than old Brown； that selfish old
reprobate for whom mere literature has no charms；
stretched on the best sofa； sitting on the second edition
of THE TIMES； having the MORNING CHRONICLE between his
knees； the HERALD pushed in between his coat and
waistcoat； the STANDARD under his arm； the GLOBE under
the other pinion； and the DAILY NEWS in perusal。 'I'll
trouble you for PUNCH； Mr。 Wiggins' says the
unconscionable old gormandiser； interrupting our friend；
who is laughing over the periodical in question。
This kind of selfishness ought not to be。 No； no。 Young
Smith； instead of his dinner and his wine； ought to be；
where？at the festive tea…table； to be sure； by the side
of Miss Higgs； sipping the bohea； or tasting the harmless
muffin； while old Mrs。 Higgs looks on； pleased at their
innocent dalliance； and my friend Miss Wirt； the
governess； is performing Thalberg's last sonata in treble
X。； totally unheeded； at the piano。
Where should the middle…aged Jones be？ At his time of
life； he ought to be the father of a family。 At such an
hoursay； at nine o'clock at nightthe nursery…bell
should have just rung the children to bed。 He and Mrs。
J。 ought to be； by rights； seated on each side of the
fire by the dining…room table； a bottle of port…wine
between them； not so full as it was an hour since。 Mrs。
J。 has had two glasses； Mrs。 Grumble （Jones's mother…in…
law） has had three； Jones himself has finished the rest；
and dozes comfortably until bed…time。
And Brown； that old newspaper…devouring miscreant； what
right has HE at a club at a decent hour of night？ He
ought to be playing his rubber with Miss MacWhirter； his
wife； and the family apothecary。 His candle ought to be
brought to him at ten o'clock； and he should retire to
rest just as the young people were thinking of a dance。
How much finer； simpler； nobler are the several
employments I have sketched out for these gentlemen than
their present nightly orgies at the horrid Club。
And； ladies； think of men who do not merely frequent the
dining…room and library； but who use other apartments of
those horrible dens which it is my purpose to batter
down； think of Cannon； the wretch； with his coat off； at
his age and size； clattering the balls over the billiard…
table all night； and making bets with that odious Captain
Spot！think of Pam in a dark room with Bob Trumper； Jack
Deuceace； and Charley Vole； playing； the poor dear
misguided wretch； guinea points and five pounds on the
rubber！above all； thinkoh； think of that den of
abomination； which； I am told； has been established in
SOME clubs； called THE SMOKING…ROOM；think of the
debauchees who congregate there； the quantities of
reeking whisky…punch or more dangerous sherry…cobbler
which they consume；think of them coming home at cock…
crow and letting themselves into the quiet house with the
Chubb key； think of them； the hypocrites； taking off
their insidious boots before they slink upstairs； the
children sleeping overhead； the wife of their bosom alone
with the waning rushlight in the two…pair frontthat
chamber so soon to be rendered hateful by the smell of
their stale cigars： I am not an advocate of violence； I
am not； by nature； of an incendiary turn of mind： but if；
my dear ladies； you are for assassinating Mr。 Chubb and
burning down Club…houses in St。 James's； there is ONE
Snob at who will not think the worse of you。
The only men who； as I opine； ought to be allowed the use
of Clubs； are married men without a profession。 The
continual presence of these in a house cannot be
thought； even by the most loving of wives； desirable。
Say the girls are beginning to practise their music；
which in an honourable English family； ought to occupy
every young gentlewoman three hours； it would be rather
hard to call upon poor papa to sit in the drawing…room
all that time； and listen to the interminable discords
and shrieks which are elicited from the miserable piano
during the above necessary operation。 A man with a good
ear； especially； would go mad； if compelled daily to
submit to this horror。
Or suppose you have a fancy to go to the milliner's； or
to Howell and James's； it is manifest； my dear Madam；
that your husband is much better at the Club during these
operations than by your side in the carriage； or perched
in wonder upon one of the stools at Shawl and Gimcrack's；
w