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rushes forward on the evening of the 26th of December
next； and says'How are you？Here we are！' But I am
growing too sentimental：to return to the theme。
THE NATIONAL MIND IS AWAKENED TO THE SUBJECT OF SNOBS。
The word Snob has taken a place in our honest English
vocabulary。 We can't define it； perhaps。 We can't say
what it is； any more than we can define wit； or humour；
or humbug； but we KNOW what it is。 Some weeks since；
happening to have the felicity to sit next to a young
lady at a hospitable table； where poor old Jawkins was
holding forth in a very absurd pompous manner； I wrote
upon the spotless damask 'SB；' and called my
neighbour's attention to the little remark。
That young lady smiled。 She knew it at once。 Her mind
straightway filled up the two letters concealed by
apostrophic reserve； and I read in her assenting eyes
that she knew Jawkins was a Snob。 You seldom get them to
make use of the word as yet； it is true； but it is
inconceivable how pretty an expression their little
smiling mouths assume when they speak it out。 If any
young lady doubts； just let her go up to her own room；
look at herself steadily in the glass； and say 'Snob。'
If she tries this simple experiment； my life for it； she
will smile； and own that the word becomes her mouth
amazingly。 A pretty little round word； all composed of
soft letters； with a hiss at the beginning； just to make
it piquant； as it were。
Jawkins； meanwhile； went on blundering； and bragging and
boring； quite unconsciously。 And so he will； no doubt；
go on roaring and braying； to the end of time or at least
so long as people will hear him。 You cannot alter the
nature of men and Snobs by any force of satire； as； by
laying ever so many stripes on a donkey's back； you can't
turn him into a zebra。
But we can warn the neighbourhood that the person whom
they and Jawkins admire is an impostor。 We apply the
Snob test to him； and try whether he is conceited and a
quack； whether pompous and lacking humilitywhether
uncharitable and proud of his narrow soul？ How does he
treat a great manhow regard a small one？ How does he
comport himself in the presence of His Grace the Duke；
and how in that of Smith the tradesman？
And it seems to me that all English society is cursed by
this mammoniacal superstition； and that we are sneaking
and bowing and cringing on the one hand； or bullying and
scorning on the other； from the lowest to the highest。
My wife speaks with great circumspection'proper pride；'
she calls itto our neighbour the tradesman's lady： and
she； I mean Mrs。 Snob；Elizawould give one of her eyes
to go to Court； as her cousin； the Captain's wife； did。
She； again； is a good soul； but it costs her agonies to
be obliged to confess that we live in Upper Thompson
Street； Somers Town。 And though I believe in her heart
Mrs。 Whiskerington is fonder of us than of her cousins；
the Smigsmags； you should hear how she goes on prattling
about Lady Smigsmag；and 'I said to Sir John； my dear
John；' and about the Smigsmags' house and parties in Hyde
Park Terrace。
Lady Smigsmag； when she meets Eliza；who is a sort of a
kind of a species of a connection of the family； pokes
out one finger； which my wife is at liberty to embrace in
the most cordial manner she can devise。 But oh； you
should see her ladyship's behaviour on her first…chop
dinner…party days； when Lord and Lady Longears come！
I can bear it no longerthis diabolical invention of
gentility which kills natural kindliness and honest
friendship。 Proper pride； indeed！ Rank and precedence；
forsooth！ The table of ranks and degrees is a lie； and
should be flung into the fire。 Organize rank and
precedence！ that was well for the masters of ceremonies
of former ages。 Come forward； some great marshal； and
organize Equality in society； and your rod shall swallow
up all the juggling old court goldsticks。 If this is not
gospel…truthif the world does not tend to thisif
hereditary…great…man worship is not a humbug and an
idolatrylet us have the Stuarts back again； and crop
the Free Press's ears in the pillory。
If ever our cousins； the Smigsmags； asked me to meet Lord
Longears； I would like to take an opportunity after
dinner and say； in the most good…natured way in the
world：Sir； Fortune makes you a present of a number of
thousand pounds every year。 The ineffable wisdom of our
ancestors has placed you as a chief and hereditary
legislator over me。 Our admirable Constitution （the
pride of Britons and envy of surrounding nations） obliges
me to receive you as my senator； superior； and guardian。
Your eldest son； Fitz…Heehaw； is sure of a place in
Parliament； your younger sons； the De Brays； will kindly
condescend to be post…captains and lieutenants…colonels；
and to represent us in foreign courts or to take a good
living when it falls convenient。 These prizes our
admirable Constitution （the pride and envy of； &c。）
pronounces to be your due： without count of your dulness；
your vices； your selfishness； or your entire incapacity
and folly。 Dull as you may be （and we have as good a
right to assume that my lord is an ass； as the other
proposition； that he is an enlightened patriot）；dull； I
say； as you may be； no one will accuse you of such
monstrous folly； as to suppose that you are indifferent
to the good luck which you possess； or have any
inclination to part with it。 Noand patriots as we are；
under happier circumstances； Smith and I； I have no
doubt； were we dukes ourselves； would stand by our order。
We would submit good…naturedly to sit in a high place。
We would acquiesce in that admirable Constitution （pride
and envy of； &c。） which made us chiefs and the world our
inferiors； we would not cavil particularly at that notion
of hereditary superiority which brought many simple
people cringing to our knees。 May be we would rally
round the Corn…Laws； we would make a stand against the
Reform Bill； we would die rather than repeal the Acts
against Catholics and Dissenters； we would； by our noble
system of class…legislation； bring Ireland to its present
admirable condition。
But Smith and I are not Earls as yet。 'We don't believe
that it is for the interest of Smith's army that De Bray
should be a Colonel at five…and…twenty； of Smith's
diplomatic relations that Lord Longears should go
Ambassador to Constantinople；of our politics； that
Longears should put his hereditary foot into them。
This bowing and cringing Smith believes to be the act of
Snobs； and he will do all in his might and main to be a
Snob and to submit to Snobs no longer。 To Longears he
says； 'We can't help seeing； Longears； that we are as
good as you。 We can spell even better； can think quite
as rightly； we will not have you for our master； or black
your shoes any more。 Your footmen do it； but they are
paid； and the fellow who comes to get a list of the
company when you give a banq